Three Word Story
Welcome to "Three Word Story," where each episode improvises a tale from the unknown. Join hosts James Royle and Dylan Jacobs as they stumble through narratives sparked by three random words generated from the map app what3words thethreewordstory@gmail.com
Three Word Story
30. Gary's Improv Bar & An Ode To Silly McDilly
Milestone episodes deserve something special, and our 30th dive into the Three Word Story universe delivers with a twist that takes us from childhood commercial audition fails to outrageous fictional bar concepts.
Dylan kicks things off by revealing his short-lived career as a child actor, sharing how despite his impressive crying skills, he never managed to book a commercial while his sister succeeded. This rare glimpse into personal history sets the tone for an episode filled with unexpected revelations and creative storytelling.
The main concept emerges as both hosts interpret their challenge differently – finding three words from locations with interesting names. Dylan creates "Small Talks," a fictional bar where small talk is forbidden and patrons must follow bizarre rules including confession penalties and the mysterious "buffalo rule." Meanwhile, James chooses The Milk Thistle in Bristol, where he held his wedding reception during Pride weekend, creating a serendipitous celebration he recounts with genuine fondness.
The episode's highlight comes in the form of an extended improv battle between James and fictional bar owner "Gary," showcasing rapid-fire character work as James transforms into everything from a German spy to a squirrel on trial for nut theft. This culminates in an original poem about "Silly McDilly" that perfectly captures the show's blend of childish humor and surprising storytelling craftsmanship.
As we close our 30th adventure, we reflect on how far we've come since those early, rougher episodes. Whether you're a longtime listener or just discovering us, this milestone showcases everything that makes Three Word Story a unique comedy experience. Subscribe now and join us for episode 31, where we'll be sharing stories based on our favorite rock concerts!
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Welcome to Three Word Story. I'm James.
Speaker 2:I'm Dylan.
Speaker 1:And this is the podcast where we take three words from the app what three words? And improv the shit out of a story. Today, on Three Word Story, james and Dylan will find three words based on a publication of their choice. I'll be putting James head to head with landlord Gary in an improv showdown. Oh well, dylan, I'll be performing a poem for the silly muck Dilly and his very deformed Willie. Today on Three Word Story yeah, just right, clap, and then we'll go for it. Okay, dilly, oh you fucked it.
Speaker 2:That was a fucking terrible clap. Hold on Right, dilly.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, just right clap and then we'll go for it. Okay, dilly, oh you fucking dilly willie, who can clap so sillily? Episode 30 it's been a while. How are you dilly willie, who's so silly? How does your garden grow?
Speaker 2:buddo, buddo, something that rhymes with Buddo.
Speaker 1:Nice. Top quality, as always in episode 30.
Speaker 1:We've done this 30 times and we're still fantastic, and I must say, dylan, you'll clap into the episode so we can get the video aligned with the audio, which is something I learned last time whilst trying to edit the video that I still haven't finished Was, dylan, and you then rattled off into an anecdote before we'd even started fucking recording. The thing about an advert. You're a commercial, you're in. So, dylan, before we get into what our three words are, before we get into episode 30, please tell the audience what you were in an advert for and why?
Speaker 2:okay, so we spoke about you teeing me up, yes, and it was either for success or failure, and this actually turned out to be one for failure, because I was I was not I didn't get, I didn't book the commercial that I ended up auditioning for and I actually auditioned for quite a few of them, but small little things like was it dishwashing detergent or some some some cheap brand kind of commercials. Needless to say, that is something that I did whilst, uh, when I was a bit younger okay, how young are we talking?
Speaker 2:uh, probably around 12, 13, 11, 12, 13, maybe.
Speaker 1:And you never booked one. Well.
Speaker 2:I think I only did like five auditions or something, but we've gotten nearly close to an Omo ad.
Speaker 1:What's an Omo? An Omo is a dishwashing detergent, ah right, and how close did you get? No, I think it was like a couple of kids left Until they urgent, ah right, well, how close did you get? Um, no, I think it was like a couple of kids left until they sniffed you and they were like no, and it just wasn't gonna work. Like no kids, just in case, uh, smell-o-vision kicks into gear.
Speaker 2:We can't have you, you know I'm trying to think what I I think I was supposed to.
Speaker 1:They were like okay, dylan, so these are the props you just basically going to uh, take part of this part of this and then you're going to lift it above your head and together, or like combined, it would look like the south african flag and I'm like what the fuck does this have to do with with with detergent?
Speaker 2:I remember thinking okay, and that was one of the things that I had to do, and they were like Dylan that was fantastic.
Speaker 4:What were you picking up?
Speaker 3:Dylan, that was fantastic.
Speaker 1:He's coloured a completely different flag? Does he even know where he's from?
Speaker 4:Yeah, he's done, afghanistan Stop advertising Afghanistan Ew. So okay right.
Speaker 1:So what were you picking up?
Speaker 2:Well, in the audition I only had to pick up it was props. It was like lids, different color lids that they basically just said, no, this will be different when we actually do the actual takes. But I was like, yeah, okay and yeah, I don't know, I wasn't too bad at the process. I think there was another one I can't remember what it was for, but I had to cry.
Speaker 1:And um, I apparently did that fantastically well.
Speaker 2:How did?
Speaker 1:you. So what's your go-to, what's your method for crying? Crying, yeah, it just pretends somebody died. That's not jovial, that's not fun. So you went in and you cried and that was still a no. That was still a no, there was still a no were you an ugly? Crier or a snotty crier. I think I am, yeah, pretty, pretty ugly crier, and I think that's why it didn't work for right for commercial they wanted a good looking child?
Speaker 1:yes, definitely so they didn't want people to be. They want to be able to feel sorry for you, but not be repulsed as your face screwed up I think I'm a, I'm a I'm an oscar crier being like so, so you know when, like how?
Speaker 1:normally, yes, and I'm probably going to regret saying this, but when you see brad pitt cry, right, it doesn't seem that real. But when uglier people cry, it almost seems a bit more related, like, okay, like the heartbreak is is deep. Okay, right, it's not just like you're not thinking about what you look like on camera. Your face screws up, it tightens up like you've had the most sour sweet in the world whilst your eyes water, right yeah, so that was me.
Speaker 2:And then, um, ironically enough, my sister ended up booking not my commercial, but one of the commercials it was one of my sister's.
Speaker 1:So what was your dad trying to do? Like a Disney, I've got four kids who are going to just let them audition for at least a couple of years.
Speaker 4:See where they go oh, we're going to be the Jacobs four, jacobs four so he was trying to have a show for his family.
Speaker 1:One advert, that was it. You kids have not fucking got it cut out. Maybe the Jacobs four, jacobs four.
Speaker 4:Okay, so he was trying to have a show of his family and it one advert.
Speaker 1:that was it, he was like yeah, you kids have not fucking got it cut out.
Speaker 2:Dylan, you're an ugly cryer, I do have to say, considering we all four.
Speaker 1:All four of the kids attempted the auditions um the money got split between all four of us from from my parents. Yeah, okay, so it was basically one. Sister is very pissed. Her big break, a big advert. She's got you freaking freeloaders taking money off like why do they get? But yeah, at that particular point in time I think she was six, or like the twins were six and okay so she's, she's like looking up what kind of barbie she's gonna collect, like she's made the big dollars and then she she's got ugly cry.
Speaker 4:Dylan brother at the corner.
Speaker 1:Dylan, you can stop crying now money anyway. Yeah, give me the couple of grand and I'll stop crying, okay, so yeah, so your dad's a communist and you were forced to be a child actor.
Speaker 3:Cannibal kill. Drop it down low with three word story.
Speaker 1:So Dylan. That was a lot of lacking episodes Longer than expected Memory lane in episode 30.
Speaker 1:Dylan, we've made it to episode 30. I say we've limped, we've dragged ourselves, that's fair. We've drawn our way and I think we've made it to to episode 30. I say we've limped, we've dragged ourselves, we've drawn our way and I think we've come far. Um, just because to begin with it was so bad, so bad that I think we've come now to basically a formula that will bring us much much success I just wanted to say it could multiply our listeners from 50 to 100 easily we could double.
Speaker 1:We could double from episode 30 onwards. You've heard it here, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be big time so for episode 30 yes, we decided we were going to gain our three words from a location of a pub with an interesting or whimsical name. So for those who are just churning into episode 30 for the first time, basically we pick a location and we use the map service what three words? And that particular location gives us three random words together.
Speaker 1:Okay, for those at home so dylan, where is your pub in the world with an interesting whimsical name, and why now, being from south africa? Yes, we've heard.
Speaker 2:I did not go there I decided to keep it within the uae yeah, I kept it local and I was like you know what good locations. Where are we going? Are we going downtown? Are we? I don't want anything flashy, but I know something a bit more practical and a popular spot, so I figured you know what? Let's just do?
Speaker 1:Kite Beach? Okay, kite Beach Interesting Salt at Kite Beach, specifically Salt at Kite. Beach. You know the restaurant Salt right Shout out Salt If you guys ever want to. Yeah, salt Sponsor, us Sponsor us.
Speaker 4:yeah, Dropping an ad here.
Speaker 1:I'm going to pretend like I know everything about salt and have eaten there lots of times. Salt, delicious salt for your diet. Salt for your Diet. So okay so tell me what's interesting or whimsical about the name Salt. Oh no, that was the location.
Speaker 2:Oh, okay, based on that location, obviously I have my words. Okay, Based on that location, obviously I have my words, but that's where I would start the pub.
Speaker 1:It's kind of like I don't want to say a Caribbean-style pub, but that's what you get on the beach, right. So it's kind of a typical beach vibe pub, but it is called Small Talks, small Talks. Yeah, ooh la la, nice job, okay, so Small Talks, right.
Speaker 2:Don't ask me anything about it, because I don't want to answer questions.
Speaker 1:Okay, so at small talks, there is no small talk. Yes, no talking at small talk. Okay, so you're going to be at Kite Beach, which I'm pretty sure. There's no alcoholic pubs or anything around there. I'm pretty sure it's pretty. So are you breaking the mold?
Speaker 4:are you putting salt on those wounds and you're?
Speaker 1:going to be like no, this is a beery beery pub. This is a beery beery pub sorry, that's sorry for everyone at home, that's beer, not beery beery unless you want, I don't know. No, so you don't want curry. And it's waka berry and then berry, and okay, so you don't want curry and no, we'll stick with the traditional pub.
Speaker 2:I'm not going to to lean into the the newer generation. I'm going to stick with what I know works and what I enjoy, um, obviously, in moderation people but yeah, we haven't got a heineken zero this time, we just have stupid ugly water, okay.
Speaker 1:So, uh, you're gonna have talks Now. Did you put any thought behind the name or you just kind of put?
Speaker 2:it in chat. Yeah, I do, okay, I do, I did. I did have some thoughts Me have thought words brought to you by Dylan.
Speaker 1:So dirty.
Speaker 2:So now I put in some thought, but it is linked to my story and I'll then kind of explain how that links and how I got to the name Small Talks, and then we'll kind of run you through the bar idea and what this might actually mean.
Speaker 1:Okay, nice, we'll find out your three words shortly. So, in typical three word story fashion, we've completely got the wrong end of the stick. Words brought to you by James Royal, nice job. And so you have taken this as somewhere where you would build a pub. And what pub you want. I've done it based on a unique pub name, so it's an existing pub. So, hey look, this is the fun and whimsical thing about three word story, where we don't communicate properly or we get the wrong end of the stick and yeah, and you know what? Maybe it makes it more entertaining, maybe it doesn't. Maybe there's sticklers at home going huh, that wasn't the thing. We'll roll back the tape and we'll find out who was right. Uh, next time on three word story.
Speaker 1:So, dylan, for my whimsical name, I went to a little little known search engine called Google and on Google I searched interesting names, bar names in England, because that's where I am from. And lo and behold, number three on the list was a lovely place called the Milk Thistle in Bristol. Now I know you're looking at me going, james. That sounds really, really thoroughly uninteresting. And you're right, milk thistle is a flowering herb related to the daisy and ragweed family. It is native to Mediterranean countries. How boring is that? Right, that's a double kill. Why am I bringing that up? Well, I tell you what, dylan, and I'll turn the headphones down for you, because you do look like your eardrums have just burst.
Speaker 3:No, no, no, no, you're fine, okay.
Speaker 1:Do you need a pants break, a pants change? Do you need to put them back to front? No, thank you, I'm fine, thank you james, okay for reacting to every small little expression on my face. I will show you that expression and you will see. It wasn't it was. It was double eyes closed. Yeah, wincing mouth, are you doing?
Speaker 2:your ugly cries is the famous ugly cry no, what I'm actually trying to do and not to get you to boil on is I don't want to snuff and I also don't want to sneeze, because, yes, I am a fair bit under the weather and I'm trying to hide it as best as possible, but the more I'm trying to keep it in. My eyes are also starting to tear up and and and and and then all I have is you fucking commenting on every little thing, so thank you for the people listening at home.
Speaker 1:So maybe it was a maybe when you were doing your commercials and doing your little. Maybe you had a cold at the time and you were just pulling that face in the line.
Speaker 1:John, john, your commercials and doing your little. Uh, maybe you had a cold at the time and you're just pulling that face in the line. John, john, I think that kid's really unwell. I think he's having a stroke, double stroke. So, dylan, going back to the milk thistle now, the milk thistle was where me and my wife had our wedding reception after our wedding. Wow. So I thought, shiver my timbers. Yeah, let's wang this into an episode. Now. The wedding day was a marvellous occasion, right in the centre of Bristol, and it just so happened to be, and we didn't plan this.
Speaker 1:I want to make it clear we didn't plan this. It was Gay Pride Weekend. Now, nothing wrong with that. I mean, look at my shirt, it's pretty fragrant.
Speaker 2:What that meant was. Is that an indication? I don't know.
Speaker 3:You tell me I don't know, On that weekend I saw plenty of them.
Speaker 1:I was like, hey, they look fashionable. But me and my wife, me and my wife it was Gay Pride weekend, and do you know what? It made an incredible time. So we were right in the center of bristol. There was people everywhere, everyone was super happy, rainbows everywhere, it was busy, and it just made a wonderful time.
Speaker 1:What was slightly weird, though, was being all the guys hitting on you no, the weird thing is they weren't, and I was really upset the weird thing was dylan is, there's my wife in a wedding dress and there's me in my suit, and good, running around is is people just basically in full bondage gear which, um, you know, and it wasn't our guests, it wasn't our guests we said, we said only the light bondage wear for our guests before the orgy breaks out, it's black and white.
Speaker 2:It's yeah, yeah, we just want the leather we just want the black and whatever flesh whatever, yeah, it was an inclusive wedding on gay pride weekend.
Speaker 1:So it was black and whatever. Okay, so it was only mild bondage, but there was a lot of people wearing not a lot at all. We're talking like nipples cut out of tops. You know, we're talking full leather wear, uh, and it just made for an interesting, an interesting spectacle, you know. And uh, it did mean that we walked through the park in the center of Bristol and we just had like a thousand people applauding us as we walked through. So, gay pride of Bristol, thank you very much. You made a very, very special day even more special by being jovial and lovely and full of love. So that is why my three words will be on the milk thistle in the centre of Bristol.
Speaker 3:Drop it down low with three-word story so dylan, your three words were a mystery.
Speaker 1:You didn't tell us, you naughty little rap scallions. So the audience has been on tenterhooks or they've turned off because they're already annoyed or pissed off? We don't. We don't know for any of those who have stayed. Thank you very much. What were your three words for your story and why, even though we know why and why?
Speaker 2:but did I say that rhyme like? Did that sound come out english right?
Speaker 3:but it yeah, yeah, it just sounded like in a south african accent let's get your bits out.
Speaker 1:You know that bits but banter and depended okay all right, butter and depended. Okay, nice, nice. And this, as you said, this is going to directly link to your magical bar small talks.
Speaker 2:Right, small talks take us there, alright, oh should I just jump into the story then?
Speaker 1:no, sorry, this is how much this isn't real, steve. You, you looked insulted. You were like, oh okay, well, I had a whole lot of batter set up. No, dylan, go Dylan, please tell me how you got about your pub and whatever backing you already had in place, and why oh, that's my cue. Oh, yeah, yeah, alright um, I'm being serious do I just jump into my story now? What do you want to do? What's your Actually? Did you want to give a bit of epilogue pre-log? There's really not much, okay, no, no.
Speaker 4:One of my answers is always no.
Speaker 2:It's like did you want to have some batter, Did you want to give some pre want to give us a pretty?
Speaker 1:long note. No, okay, right. Well, we've got some cutting to do For this episode.
Speaker 4:Take it away, dylan.
Speaker 2:But it's banter.
Speaker 1:And depended, depended, depended, okay. So depended what depended, depended, sorry, okay, depended, depended gary. We'll start off with gary, the story of gary. Who's gary gary is also and the name of my father, but the communist yeah, but I should.
Speaker 2:But have you realized we always fall back to greg, greg, like uh, and gary, as the names that we use in our stories?
Speaker 1:yeah, considering we live in such a universal international city full of many ethnicities, we really revert back to type greg, gary, gary anyone you'd find on a building site that's going to be the names of our characters. So Gary is an ex-improv comic, I guess what you would call, and and he wanted to set up a pub. Well, actually failed improvised improv comic and he decided you know what? I'm going to open a pub. Okay, go, gary, but then based off of bits and banter yeah, those aren't his two brothers' names.
Speaker 4:It's on his bits or no?
Speaker 2:but he would then use Butts.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he would then use his bar as a playground for him to kind of just create Butts and improv and kind of bounce back and forth between the guests. Ah, okay, so like comedic bits bits, not like he had a regular bit okay, again like some kind of thing. Okay, no, so it's kind of jumping back and forth or at least prompting guests being like all right, I've got something for you.
Speaker 1:This, this is wow this like hell, go on, go on, dylan, think faster. So basically he was all happy. It was his terrain to play along and that's how he kind of felt. Better about himself is kind of creating the bit, prompting seeing other people not being able to carry the bit and then kind of making himself feel superior until my friend james walked in.
Speaker 1:Oh shit, now if you guys know James, he is a little competitive and, yes, I do think he's an ideal person to be able to carry a bit Ooh, so We'll see Him. And Gary Okay, come on, gary had their verbal joust. Oh God, there we verbal joust.
Speaker 2:Oh God, there we go Of bits, okay, and I am not, gary, so please do not expect me to respond to any of these.
Speaker 1:So welcome to the podcast Dylan's Dad. All right, so set the scene. Gary walks in.
Speaker 2:And I'm James.
Speaker 1:James, you already there, myself, you, Ali Vince, we're all having a ball. Okay, right, nice, and he walks past and he kind of set you up for the first one. Oh, shit.
Speaker 4:I really did not see this coming.
Speaker 1:Not only did I not know I was in a bar, I did not know that it was a random improv bar.
Speaker 2:It was a random improv bar, okay.
Speaker 1:Episode 30, we're finally bringing improv to the improv show. Oh shit, so he was like ah, james, yes, you're a German spy and you need to complete the following words not to get busted Ja, Today is going to be the day that I'm und, und, und, klaust und du right now you still I don't even know the words, but so maybe you're gonna be the one that shaves me, and after all, I
Speaker 1:shave under my balls and the people around laugh Right, chuckle, chuckle. I'm just going off, as my understanding is all German men shave their balls all the time. Just in case.
Speaker 4:I haven't checked. No, no, no.
Speaker 2:Their words not mine. Yeah, ask them.
Speaker 1:They just got asked, all right.
Speaker 2:Just in case.
Speaker 1:Next time I see Heinrich, I will ask him, and he'll point you in the direction of a German person.
Speaker 3:Is Heinrich not? I don't know, I thought that was more.
Speaker 1:Okay, fine.
Speaker 2:We'll do Klaus.
Speaker 4:Go speak to my current friend, klaus, over there.
Speaker 1:All right, klaus, over there. All right Klaus, yes, all right. You're a squirrel in court defending yourself against nut theft.
Speaker 2:Opening argument Go.
Speaker 4:Well, you see, I thought they were my nuts and it just turned out that they weren't my nuts. It's just, I think nuts all look the same. Hey, hey, hey. There's nothing wrong with saying nuts all look the same, okay, they're just. You know, these particular nuts are the same color. No, I don't mean anything like that. It's not nuts racism. Oh, I'm gonna jail, aren't I?
Speaker 2:oh shucks and add the fucking shutter close like jail okay all right, double kill, I'll do it you know, when you did the boing, I'm like we just got it rigged I can't.
Speaker 1:You said that right you can save that in your head for my story. All right, so you found out your mom, all right.
Speaker 4:So you found out your mom.
Speaker 2:I'm out of shade you found out, your mom is actually two raccoons in a trench coat.
Speaker 1:Confront her Mom. I saw your front and your bottom half. You're now the trash again. And when I just saw your top half do it the other day I thought, hey, you know mum's hungry right, and she likes recycling, I get it. But when I saw your legs eating out that trash at the same time your upper body was eating out the trash I knew something was up.
Speaker 1:Okay, Now I just assumed the way you wore that mask. I just assumed that you were a part-time burglar, and it turns out it was a raccoon face after all this time. All right, I thought you were the one who reared me, mothered me, and it just turns out this whole time you wanted me to eat food, so then I would just generate trash and then you would eat it. You're top and lower, that's all I am. To you, it's just a mother fucking raccoon son. You did what it was okay. It was raccoons, right, anyway. Right, I've scene, scene, all right.
Speaker 2:And the head didn't give it away at all.
Speaker 1:You were like the robber, yeah I grew up in the basement, um, so I've never seen anyone. My dad, joseph fritzl, just kept me there, and so I just never thought that, uh, raccoon parents were an next one. Pretend you are in a love triangle with two bar stools, and one just saw you sit on the other one. Okay, all right, okay, um, now you can go anywhere with us. I, I feel like I can go anywhere, but I also feel like I can go nowhere, as they, they are.
Speaker 1:As they are indeed barstools. Look, marjorie, the fact is Marjorie's a strong barstool name You've worn on me. Okay, marjorie, the way you are constructed, it makes it feel like there's just a point poking right up into my anus. And for the last time, marjorie, I don't like that. I don't like that. I don't like being poked in the anus. Now, clarissa, over here, clarissa, she's cushiony.
Speaker 2:She's got curves.
Speaker 1:She has curvature. The way she's buttoned up around the edges speaks to me. It's really like she's putting on a show for me. She knew her. Is that another name?
Speaker 2:that you just threw at me, did she?
Speaker 1:knew her. Is she new? I can just say you know the story of the barstools.
Speaker 2:I thought about this. I was, like you know, I wonder if they ever like shift up the barstools like there's a popular seat, and then there's a less popular seat I don't want to say it's like toy story for bar scene.
Speaker 1:I don't want to say that.
Speaker 2:It's like Toy Story for ballsters.
Speaker 1:I don't want to say it's about being newer, dylan, it's just one has been used more and I'm afraid that's a micro Right at the moment. Boom.
Speaker 3:Scene I like that scene. That was great and scene and scene.
Speaker 1:Okay, nice, Next one. You're a cult leader, but Okay. But okay, are we improving?
Speaker 2:yeah well, uh, last one, and then I've got uh four quickfire ones.
Speaker 1:Okay, right, okay, you're a cult. What did you?
Speaker 2:just think, I know, I just thought you were like okay, now back to normal okay, change your occult.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're a cult leader. And it was like yes and yeah, yeah, and what's the info? I wear it, I wear a hat whilst doing it. You're a cult leader. But no, I don't want to say no one, but like three people showed up to your initiation day. Okay, try and keep morale high right well. Margaret Clarissa, I knew you were going to be here.
Speaker 1:I'm glad we patched things up, margaret, after your pump job, you're looking much, much better. Uh, now, dylan, please stop crying like that. You look okay, it looks it looks horrible. Okay, it's gonna be fine, look it. I expected this. It's the first day of my lovely uh cult I mean party and at the end of the day, yeah, you will all get food once you've uh, once you've, once you've cleaned up a little bit. Okay, first of all, um, marissa, margaret, margaret mcclisher, mcclisher now everyone, everyone.
Speaker 1:In my cult I mean sorry, in my party everyone's name is now um margaret from now on. So margaret one, margaret two, margaret three. Margaret one is the one that's had the cushion job. No, no, you're margaret two. Uh, you're gonna come with me out back and why not margaret one? Hello, because I don't want to take you out back and sit on you margaret three okay so be quiet.
Speaker 1:margaret three, otherwise you know you're gonna go down to margaret four, and we don't even have a fourth Margaret yet, so you can make a. What did that have? You will, okay. So, margaret one, I'm going to go take a out back and sit on that barstool. Uh, margaret two, I've got my eye on you. Margaret four get them up on the floor, motherfucker, and stop crying.
Speaker 4:Okay, so much.
Speaker 1:All right vibe so wet? That is an excellent question, margaret, for why is my vibe so wet? The thing is, when you're as slippery as me and you're dodging through improvs left, right and center, you've got to be moist, baby, you've got to be wet.
Speaker 2:So my vibe is as wet as it can be you know that's amazing that you actually use that, like there's so many times in my life where I've thought, man, that would have been funny to do that thing, and then you lost the audition and then the people at the funeral kind of looked at me they're like yeah, yeah, didn yeah for the last time.
Speaker 1:Stop it, she had a wet vibe, right, sorry, yeah, yeah, okay, that wasn't the safe word. I'm sorry, okay, and maybe your cushion job has now been compressed too much. Okay, and maybe one leg has fallen off. Um, uh, joanna, I'll stick to barstools from now on sorry to any Joanna's out there.
Speaker 2:Why is it that time of the month again?
Speaker 1:uh, yes, unfortunately, I have extremely bad piles. They just burst intermittently at the end of every single month and blood piles down my crack, unfortunately, right. So with that masterclass of yourself, james, thank you Right, gary realized you know what. He's been outclassed and people were now laughing at him and he kind of realized.
Speaker 1:You know what the issue it's not supposed to be his own personal playground. But he decided to then go for a rebrand. He said okay, and to change the bar name to Small Talks. Okay, right. So no small talks, only big talks, and the bar rules goes Number one, no greetings Right, kind of start mid-combo, and it's only meaningful combo, not meaningful combos. But it's not weather chat, okay. So we're going. No, how's not weather chat? Okay, so we're we're okay, so we're going. No, how's the weather, are you okay?
Speaker 2:hi, how are you? It's, it's, it's none of that, it's gets.
Speaker 1:My anus is bleeding and straight in right, straight in and considering it's bleeding yeah we then go okay
Speaker 1:that's it. Yeah, uh, you can't drink with your right hand, okay, right, so really in favor of left-handers. Then, yes, have you heard of the buffalo rule? Sorry, I'm going down a tangent. No, tell me about the buffalo rule. Well, it's a thing back home where people aren't allowed to drink with their dominant hand, if not they, and if they are caught taking a sip with a non-dominant hand, they would have to down the drink. And are people wearing stickers, or is there?
Speaker 4:flags to determine who's dominant hand you can kind of call bullshit is that part of the?
Speaker 1:buffalo rule is there a bull involved as well? So there's not quite, but you can say buffalo, and then you are then forced to to drink it, yeah okay, and what? If the person's fat, do you call them something different? Or do you call everyone a buffalo, because it'd be weird if you didn't call them a buffalo if they were fat. If they were fat, yeah you just won't call them yeah, but margaret yeah, yeah, you've been weighing, on. That's another bar still gone, so right, okay, so no left-hand drinking or no dominant hand.
Speaker 2:Drinking no dominant. That's normally how it works.
Speaker 1:But to make it kind, of a bit more consistent, because then it's left and right-handed.
Speaker 2:I guess there needs to be maybe a stick of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:So I'd say no right-handed drinking, okay, and just be in favour of the left-handed, because they're freaks anyway, so we might as well, give them something. I mean they struggle with scissors and spoons. Yeah, they have special coloured scissors from like age five. Way to go make them feel stupid, not even just put an.
Speaker 1:L and an R on it being like nope, yours are red, yours are yellow and green. You idiots, you absolute mongrels. Something wrong happened at birth, so we need to make these scissors so different from the other ones, because you're so stupid that you need these scissors. And welcome to grade two. Grade two, basically. So if they do catch you drinking with your right hand, it is a confession penalty. Now there's actually a bar back home that does incorporate this rule, like it's fairly recent.
Speaker 1:And the waiters call Buffalo and you have to down your drink. Wow, they are on hand duty as well as serving everything. And then you have to do what? And then you have to down your drink. But my case it's a confession penalty oh, wow, okay, yeah if, if somebody catches you drinking with your right hand, confession I killed my wife.
Speaker 4:No, actually I hate that.
Speaker 1:Can we cut that one? I actually love my wife. I got married to her. I was playing another character. It's what I was doing, sure, yeah, good. Don't look in the cupboard on the way out, if you could. Okay. No one word replies equals karaoke punishment. Okay, and then. If you do talk about the weather, it is that person's bar tab. He pays the bill. Wow, and then.
Speaker 4:So if it's like, you.
Speaker 1:You know, my dog died in a hurricane.
Speaker 4:You'd be like ah, tabs on you idiot buffalo yes okay, safe word.
Speaker 1:There's a safe word, considering it's not supposed to be just small talks and a bit deeper talks. Some people might take it the wrong way, but pretzels would be the safe word if somebody does decide to go too deep with a combo, too deep with, oh with the combo with a combo.
Speaker 4:I like it, but combo that guy's bleeding out of his anus.
Speaker 2:He just left in the in yeah, yeah, yeah, and that guy's wife died, so you know it's gone way too deep can I just say I couldn't get to the word ambulance when I was when I was kind of going with it and I, you know, I wanted to say hospital on wheels and that was the thing that popped up Into my head first.
Speaker 4:I was like what do you call that?
Speaker 1:Man, it's a hospital on wheels, one of those mobile hospitals. Wow, double kill, incredible stuff. Your English is on episode 30. It's really really fantastic, bound with glory and joy. Yeah, okay, all right. Well, with that being said, um, yeah, that's kind of. That's kind of the bar small talks, uh.
Speaker 4:I'd like to see more of that.
Speaker 1:I'd like to see more bars with rules I'd like to see. I'd like to see a bit more of that. You know where you kind of go in from seven o'clock, like maybe set times between seven and 11. It's an experience thing, yeah, yeah, yeah, like, and I want the waiters to be, I want enormous waiters where you really feel pressured, that you like you can't just go no, no, I'm not going to do karaoke Like there's really scary people, like men and women.
Speaker 1:So, and don't feel protected against not being punched by a man that buff ass woman will punch him as well and that buff ass woman will also punch a man in the face because that's allowed and then yeah, and then you'd be like, okay, sex, sex, and I want to see that you'd think it wouldn't work, but this, this particular, it's a comedian that opened up a restaurant chain or a pub chain back home, and I think there's probably about 15, maybe 20 I speak under correction but 15 of 20 of these restaurants and they are quite successful. Number one, uh, is don't be a do us, which basically means like don't be an arsehole, don't be a do us.
Speaker 2:And then two is then the buffalo rule and then it's like I've got a couple of names.
Speaker 4:What's the name of the?
Speaker 1:bars Henny's.
Speaker 2:Henny's, if you're listening to Henny's.
Speaker 1:Please sponsor us. We'll do shows and tours in Henny's. Do they all speak Afrikaans? Am I?
Speaker 3:fucked Will I get beaten up.
Speaker 1:You might just.
Speaker 2:It's a very Afrikaans bar, but the person who started this bar is actually a comedian, like an Afrikaans comedian okay, and he kind of just pivoted and opened up this bar and it's doing pretty well in a very Afrikaans influenced bar chain.
Speaker 1:If you do want an English speaking podcast, where half of it doesn't speak any Afrikaans at all and probably is the most likely person you'd want to punch in the face, then I think we should go for it. It's worth three drinks and a flight. You know, pay for the flight and the three drinks, we'll sort out the accommodation. Drop it down low with three words.
Speaker 3:Drop it down low with three word story.
Speaker 1:So, dylan, little wazzers, trousers. Now I'm glad that you went in to some thorough depth with your pub, because my story today is going to be brief. Are you sure it truly is a story. And the reason for this story or should I say poem story is the three words that I got from the milk thistle in bristol and, I'll be honest, it's actually two squares down from the milk thistle, so you know know, outraged they gave me using poems offer.
Speaker 1:Okay, so my offer to you is to use a poem as my story. So that's it, and that's as far as I'm going with the words. Other than it will be a poem. Okay now, before I went on my holiday, I was a bit stuck with this one because I know I wanted to use poems.
Speaker 1:He wrote me a poem oh well, we'll get there, we'll get there, we'll get there. And you stuck with this one because I know I wanted to use poems. He wrote me a poem We'll get there, we'll get there, we'll get there and you'll like this one, you'll like this one. And so before we get there, I looked into different types of poems. So I went on ChatGBT and was like tell me about all different kinds of poems and I wanted to make you some very loving poems and even different types of poems like haikus. And that decided to be a complete horrible chore and I didn't want to do it anymore. So I went on holiday instead and whilst on holiday, I went to my in-laws house, very lovely house in France, and there was other family there who had little kids, and there was these kids books lying around, okay, and one of the books was a book called Sl slinky malinky.
Speaker 2:Have you ever heard of slinky malinky? It was my favorite book. No, just joking. I'm really sorry. I didn't. I really didn't expect you to. I really said you have a portfolio I'm sorry I was like.
Speaker 4:I love it when it comes full circle no no, that's what I normally do.
Speaker 1:So Slinky Malinky, no, but what?
Speaker 2:are you going to?
Speaker 1:I have the first paragraph of Slinky Malinky because I think it's a copyright issue to do anymore. But the first paragraph is this to give you a flavor of how it goes right, slinky Malinky was blacker than black Stinky.
Speaker 3:Slinky Malinky.
Speaker 1:I don't think we can say this next to Slinky Malinky, just in case the author comes for us, understood, she might come after us and be like don't you still care about Slinky Malinky? That's fair. So Slinky Malinky was blacker than black, a stalking and lurking, adventurous cat. He had bright yellow eyes, a warbling wail and a kink at the end of his very long tail oh, no, yeah, the kink of his end at a wedding that he attended to wearing full bondage. So that is basically, is that it's about a cat called slinky binky slinking around being malinky, and it's from a book series called, or uh, harry mcclary's donaldson dairy. Right, so we're talking rhymes, we're talking winter calls, so was there any?
Speaker 2:I can see you doing this yeah, this is so.
Speaker 1:This is the vibe we're going for. Is there any any child's books off the top of your head that you can think that, man, I loved reading. No, in all honesty, I didn't read that is the least surprising thing I have ever heard.
Speaker 2:No, children's books was really not a thing for me. There was maybe some Afrikaans books that I attempted whilst younger.
Speaker 1:Okay, so what is it Give the listeners at home who aren't?
Speaker 2:from that network. There was like, so there was.
Speaker 1:Bibi Kala in Flöy, I think was like the series when I was younger that you could then kind of read, but it didn't always have a title. It was just always these three characters going on different adventures bb, flower color and floy, which even in africa answered like those aren't regular names, just that you, we had uh biff, uh biff chip
Speaker 4:and kipper.
Speaker 1:Maybe they said like those aren't regular names, just that you we had Biff, chip and Kipper, maybe they're like those. It's probably something we might have just stolen, kind of the ideas from you.
Speaker 4:Maybe we've stolen it.
Speaker 1:We're like these names are silly, let's call them.
Speaker 4:Let's call them Biff, let's call them Biff instead of and Chip, biff, chip and Skipper.
Speaker 2:Yeah or Kipper. It was a Skipper, I don't know, it was two people and a dog.
Speaker 1:That was all I remember Any Roald Dahl Any?
Speaker 2:Doctor Seuss.
Speaker 1:No, I didn't read the books, I watched the movies. Now, that says everything. I'm sorry. They were like Dylan, we're not reading to you, you can't get a fucking job. So go watch this movie instead. Uh, yeah, there was unrolled that one. Like I said, um, if there were books involved which weren't many, especially my younger days they were definitely not in english.
Speaker 1:So, um, yeah, the children's books man really going back into the archives to try and cover something up or like to get to something, but no there was maybe like some spy books, Ooh, children Okay, this is kind of later ish almost teen books but I thought you meant like you were a teenager reading childhood.
Speaker 2:Shut the fuck up. The Hardy Boys was was kind of something that I that I kind of got into, I think. Three, three, four books, okay, so your Hardy.
Speaker 4:Boys do you ever watch?
Speaker 1:listen to fucking read. Gee whiz, I did read some you wouldn't think so, would you a series of unfortunate events? Of course you watch the movie, right? No, also not. Alright, let's pause the podcast. We'll go watch the movie. Oh, and we're back. No, I'm joking, you should watch that. You should watch that.
Speaker 2:Okay, great enough, patter okay, did, did, we, did, we kind of complete the quota achieve.
Speaker 1:Thank you, luckily, your bath story went long enough and now we? I think we can go into this and we can call it a good 50 minutes of bullshit.
Speaker 1:Uh, right, okay. So, dylan, yes, you are right, I have made you a poem slash story. It's beautiful and it is based on oh, you can pick what are true events and what are not true. But can I also then just say don't he's using this as a scapegoat? He actually wrote me a poem and now he's using the story or the podcast as a cover-up to now reveal this poem to me.
Speaker 4:And you know what? Dylan.
Speaker 1:I'm going to go on that story because it will make this so much more enjoyable for me. Yes, I indeed made this poem based on true events for myself, and based on strictly true events. Okay, so right, I'm going to put some little background music Strap in.
Speaker 4:I want to shut it.
Speaker 1:Why does your face look pained?
Speaker 4:Why are you?
Speaker 1:squeezing your face up like you're going to cry again Closing my this is my poem story music background. Does it feel like you're in a? Do you feel like you're a kid? Again, sat down, like ah, it kind of makes me feel like I'm in a fish tank, okay, like, yeah, I don't know why this is, it's like Nemo music. Okay, so you're a little Right. Imagine you're a little fish wobbling around and I am the storyteller to tell you the story of Silly McDilly. Oh, okay, cool, this is about you, my friend. Now I can't remember where it was that one's doing. Nice, that was Okay. Okay, I think we need those two. This is going to be difficult, okay.
Speaker 1:So, please say a welcome to Mr Silly McDilly, who, I'm afraid, is cursed with an irregular willy. Is it too short, or is it too long? Or maybe it has an odorous pong. On a fair day, on one sunny morn, dilly woke up with an unusual horn. Did it bend left or did it bend right? Well, dilly knew his pants would be tight, so he took his briefs and said out loud I'll know what I'll do, I'll turn them around. He slipped them off on to get ready to rock the crotch to his butt and the butt to his cock.
Speaker 4:With the extra room for his morning wood.
Speaker 1:He waddled to the door as fast as he could. He grabbed for the handle and gave it a turn, but the door didn't open. Oh, dilly didn't learn, for his lock was broken, and instead of asking for help, he instead got busy aggressively touching himself. For the extra green room had made it easier. But all of a sudden the smell got cheesier, for little mcdilly's pants were one week old and the butt of willie's smell began to mold. What was he to do? He was now stuck with a stanky penis that would make you go yuck. And yet there was a miracle, as he heard a voice. It was his neighbor, who Dilly thought was quite noise. Now Dilly had a choice of now what to do. Does he ask for help when his Willie smells like poo?
Speaker 1:The neighbor speaks out oh, what is this awful smell? It reads like you're living in Upper East Side of Hell. Mcdilly speaks out I swear it wasn't me. Maybe something died. I'll prove it, you'll see. But the dear lock before me has now fully broken. So the fate before me is that I'll be choking. Oh, don't you despair, little MacDilly, I'll bust you out in a little jiffy.
Speaker 1:Now, little MacDilly, he feared the worst. She will finally found out. His willy is cursed. But before he can respond there was a crash and a bang. She kicked in the door so no longer it would hang there.
Speaker 1:The two stood whilst they locked eyes. Nothing was said except the buzz of some flies. She looked at his crotch and let out a grunt as the back of his pants were worn on his front. But Dilly then moaned. I swear I can explain. Since I've woken up my willy has been in pain. Then the neighbor smiled and gave Dilly a shh and told him she liked the back to front tush. And then she added that she loved a dilly and though he might be smelly, she could accept him for being silly and could work out around the odd willy. Macdilly jumped up leaping like a trout. I love you, fair maiden. He let out a shout. The two then took hands as if it were fate. Even with a stinky willy you can meet your soul mate. How lovely was that. He's doing the screwy up face again. Yeah, and I don't even have to act. Now. That was, that was beautiful did you like that?
Speaker 1:do you like, based on true events as well okay, we didn't. We don't have to go that far, but please, tell me, for those of you who have not listened to other episodes, basically every single point in there has come up one way or another in other episodes, and nearly all, I think, most of them, most of them yes, um, and others that I will deny my doors are locked.
Speaker 4:My doors are broken so I wrote that today.
Speaker 1:I wrote that today in in a cafe, literally laughing out loud at myself.
Speaker 2:I want to say like I could kind of picture or just imagine you being like you know.
Speaker 1:I'm going to do a poem. I'm going to write a poem about Dali Silly, dali Silly McDali.
Speaker 2:And you know what, all these things that that, according to you, are true. Um, it's, it's a pretty good poem. It was a pretty good creative.
Speaker 1:Uh, the words silly mcdilly, yes and willie were basically. After I read slinky malinky, I was like right, I want to do something like this. And immediately silly mcdilly and will Willie came into my head and I made a voice note. I was like I'm going to remember this and today I just wrote it one after the other, laughing out loud. You can ask Ali Just there, chalkling at myself of is it too short or is it too long? Or maybe it has an odorous palm.
Speaker 2:Listen. By the way I heard, we don't have to account or recall anything from this did it left or did it bend right?
Speaker 1:well, did he knew his pants would be tight? Well, there is my ode to you, and I'm glad you built it up before, as if to be like. James wrote me a poem what a poor well, actually jokes on you because it was completely correct and factual, factual, yeah. So, dylan, now we've got episode 30 in the books, in the annuals, written in the scrolls. What are we going to do for episode 31? And why? Now we've had this conversation briefly off the mic, briefly, yeah, I think we've had this conversation briefly off the mic.
Speaker 2:Briefly. I think we've already said it, but I can't remember what it is. It was something about a rock show. No, maybe not. I think I just made that up hold on, hold on.
Speaker 1:Okay, best rock show you've ever been to.
Speaker 4:Best rock show you've ever been to Best rock show you've ever been to Sure, let's stick with that In your mind.
Speaker 1:it was just a show of good. And here is a sedimentary rock about. It was the best rock show I've ever been to. Okay so episode 31, where our favourite rock concert ever was and why and we'll make a three-word motherfucking story based on that Boom, dun-dun-dun, dun-dun and why and we'll make a three word motherfucking story based on that.
Speaker 3:Boom dun dun, dun, dun, dun dun dun. Drop a download three word story.
