Three Word Story
Welcome to "Three Word Story," where each episode improvises a tale from the unknown. Join hosts James Royle and Dylan Jacobs as they stumble through narratives sparked by three random words generated from the map app what3words thethreewordstory@gmail.com
Three Word Story
28. Slimothy Raps & Elf With a Sore Anus: A Quest for Relief
There's something seriously wrong when you put your underpants on backwards in the morning, but that discomfort pales in comparison to what awaits our hosts in this wildly imaginative episode of Three Word Story.
We journey to South Africa to discover the Tokoloshi, a mischievous mythical creature from Zulu and Xhosa folklore that spreads misfortune and can only be kept at bay by elevating your bed on bricks. Dylan shares childhood memories of this cultural belief before James counters with his own mythical creation from "Turkmenistan" – a preposterous being that's half turkey, half man, and half Stan (yes, that's one and a half beings, because mythical creatures don't follow mathematical rules).
The episode transforms when we meet Slimothy, an aspiring rapper with questionable talents who attempts to freestyle using our three words: ticking, toolbar, and ample. His increasingly confident performances build to an unexpected showdown that leaves everyone questioning their sanity and accents.
But the true heart of this episode emerges when James transforms Dylan into an elven squire suffering from a painful anus. What follows is an epic quest complete with a noble steed named Hooves, enchanted forests filled with deadly riddles, rivers guarded by creatures that turn you to stone, and ultimately, the Cave of No Return where the mythical amulet of Anusol awaits. With dice rolls determining fate at every turn, this unpredictable adventure showcases the wild improvisational spirit that makes Three Word Story unlike anything else in your podcast feed.
Join us next week when we flip our format – choosing three words ourselves and using them to discover a random location that must be incorporated into our story. What three words would you choose?
Thank's for listening, Tune in next week for another episode!
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Welcome to Three Word Story. I'm James, I'm Dylan, and this is the podcast where we take three words from the app what three words? And improv the shit out of a story. Today, on Three Word Story, my mind been ticking since my goldfish passed, like my underpants is not sitting right. Yeah, why did you have to make me an elf who goes there? This is a guy with an anus problem. Well, hey there, dildo baggins. How are you today? Hey buddy, hey man. Well, it's not usual that I see you like this at a 45 degree angle. That's a bit awkward, because this will be the first episode that is on YouTube.
Speaker 1:So we've got a super professional setup, and by super professional I mean shonky. Uh, I'll put the, put the picture in the video of, uh, the weird kind of bdsm setup that we have over behind us. I'm sure this is how they do it in hollywood, dylan. I'm sure this is the way. I think that's how they started in hollywood. Let's, let's just talk about that progress, right? Rome wasn't built in a day, neither was hollywood, so we're getting famously. So that is the famous saying. Rome wasn't built in a day, neither was Hollywood. So we're getting there Famously. So that is the famous saying Rome wasn't built in a day and neither was Hollywood. Double kill, right, dylan? Before we get into our three words. So, obviously, we find three words on the app. What three words? Based on the location of our choice, we find that we get three words and then we improv the shit out of the story.
Speaker 1:But before dylan, I want to know, as my bestest friend, how are you and why? Yeah, man, it's been a good, uh, it's been a good weekend. Watch, the attempt to watch a bit of rugby. Uh, last night, the bulls played against. And how did that go for you? Um, by watching the rugby. Also not that great, because I couldn't find a streaming service that was willing to show the rugby, okay, so, no, watchy watchy. No, no, watchy watchy. Listen, listen, though. Okay, yes, I listened to some rugby. However, we lost so far that I eventually just gave up on trying to watch the rugby. So I was like, yeah, I don't see them coming back, maybe. So you just listened to a complete ass pounding of uh, was it lenster beating your team, the bulls, the bulls, by many, many, many points to many, many, many little points. Yeah, yeah, but it was quite funny.
Speaker 1:Now, just to think of the story. I was obviously on this youtube channel and they were live, uh, commentating on the game happening. So the person's watching the game. However, it's literally just a bit late world we live in, where we're watching someone watch something that we can't watch or afford to watch or find to watch or find to watch. But what amazes me is there's still people on a Saturday night that can watch the rugby because there's one like there's people commenting on that channel being like, yeah, the ref should open his eyes. I'm like, wait, hold on. So you have a screen of match and screen of man watching match that you are watching you are now commenting on.
Speaker 1:I thought, listenita, just chill, it's like a human centipede of rugby watching. So, yeah, either way, um, yes, I did that and um, yeah, it was a pretty chilled weekend. Okay, all right, anything fun and interesting, fun, interesting this morning. No, no, no, I thought twice about saying this out loud, but something didn't sit quite right with me. You know, when I don't know, you know there's something wrong or something kind of off center and you can't know why. Are we talking ghosts and ghouls or violent diarrhea? No, no, no, no Kind of in the setup of the day. So, yes, with me, okay, but I didn't know what it was Like. I felt uncomfortable in my own body and I just didn't know why. And when I eventually did go to the to the gents room to relieve myself, I realized I had my underpants the wrong way around. I did feel a bit kind of restricted. My ass felt like it had all the room in the world, and then my penis was just lodged into my gooch and suddenly into my anus and I felt I'd just pop it back out again.
Speaker 1:So you had managed to put and we're talking. Are we talking boxer briefs? Are we talking like long trunks or are we talking boxer briefs? Are we talking like long trunks or we're talking why friends? Yeah, we're talking about I guess we are still of that age of briefs, right? Yeah, so very much.
Speaker 1:You start from an early age with why fronts, correct, like you're a young little toddler and your parents are buying you like why friends, right. And then there's some point that we then evolve to like boxer briefs. And then, as far as I understand, there's a point in eldliness where these boxer kind of tighter briefs turn into basically like full undershorts, like they come up to like just above your knee and baggy as hell, I assume, to allow for the large sagging testicles of an elderly man. Are you aware of this evolution? But now that you say it not that I am zoned into older men's genitals, so you're not zoomed into older men's genitals I do wonder what you're looking at in the changing rooms at the gym, because you seem pretty zoomed in on older men's genitals. Don't close your mouth and get your tongue back in your mouth. Anyway, okay, yeah, so, um, yeah, it was just a little switch up this morning and for the listeners and watchers at home, are your underpants the right way round? Yes, they are. Nice job, nice job, nice job, thanks, tom, uh, nice job, nice, thanks tom. Uh. So our producer, tom, he's telling me in my ear now nice job, nice job, guys.
Speaker 1:But we need to get on with where we are going in the world, to find the location of our three words, and I believe, dylan, you were the one that last week said that we needed to venture off into the big old, wide, scary world out there and find a mythical creature. Is that correct? That is correct, oh, delicious. Well, dylan, it's your mythical creature. I was really ready for that high note to just be like speaking to dolphins. Why, what's his back doing it? Yeah, um, three words. Mythical creature.
Speaker 1:We weren't, we weren't due to do spit takes. Just okay, that's for later. Um, okay, right. So where are we going in the world? Where are the three? That's why, that's why you, okay, that's fair, we are going back home. Yeah, yeah, local, oh, here we go. Local is Laker and for those watchers out there who've never seen us before, where is home to you and why? Home to me is South Africa, specifically Centurion, and if you really listened to the first episode, you can track down my childhood house, please. Yes, we did do that. That was really stupid. Yeah, that was so stupid.
Speaker 1:We were like, oh, we're not going to give, we're not going to tell, like, the road names, we're not going to give you the post code of our location, but we will give you three exact, precise words to use. On what? Three words? So you can find our household and find where our families once lived and turn it into a shrine for us and or burn it down, depending on how you feel about us, uh, or do nothing because you're thoroughly indifferent. So, human beings, you, dylan, he's gone home. Uh, I've gone somewhat home, okay, and I've stuck to um, a mythical creature, a mythical creature home to home.
Speaker 1:Explain the tokoloshi. Okay, right, okay, that's not those little electronic things that you looked at, that's a tamagotchi. Ah, my bad. Okay, fair enough, nice, yeah, but that was a fair shout. Okay, I was just confused because I can imagine a little Dylan sat home in Centurion with a little tamagotchi crying while his little creature died again Because I didn't feed him in four days. But no, that was more so my sister's.
Speaker 1:I tried and after the first time it died, I took it personally and I'm like well, you don't want to keep on living. I stopped with that very soon. You were like, and so you blamed the right thing and you moved on. I cannot take on another Tamagotchi in my life. So you just had one and done your entire life you had one Tamagotchi. What was his name? I don't know, you didn't even you erased it from your brain. Tamagotchi, did you host a funeral for it outside A little e-grave and just sat there with a tear strolling down your face? Honestly, after seeing how how much other people were kind of committed to this little thing, I thought, I thought it was ludicrous. I tried it. Obviously didn't work out. No, no, because I died a heinous, heinous death. Yeah, yeah, okay, and um, it just moved on pretty quickly.
Speaker 1:Okay, so please tell me about your mythical beast, mythical beast, tokoloshi, right, so, different sources say different things, but how I grew up with it, it's this mythical creature that disappears if it drinks water. But basically, the idea of this mythical creature it spreads like violence, misfortune, like death. Even so, it's, it's a, it's a pretty dark creature, uh, and I think it's mostly prominent in um, in, like the zulu and kosa tribes. Okay, so is this like we're talking like an ancient mythical being? Yeah, like, um, I don't know what kind of age range to put it as, but yeah, it's like this, the dwarf-like creature that, um, basically just goes around spreading misfortune. Okay, I think it can be summoned by a sangoma, which is a, is a south african witch doctor, basically, okay, um, so, yeah, basically.
Speaker 1:So when you were, when you're up at late at night and you're fiddling around with your tamagotchi, would you then parents, come in and be like, be good, little d-bag, otherwise the monster tamagotchi will come and get you and eat your, your soul. Um, yeah, so I actually have a story where I went with Lucas, which he was a Corsa man and I remember him sleeping Like he built his bed like out of bricks, like it was a foundation, was his bed stand and then obviously a mattress on top and it was kind of like and people still do it up until today so that the Tokoloshi can't go underneath the bed, like the boogeyman it's to, to keep him. So just that's where he hides, apparently. Tokoloshi, tokoloshi, tokoloshi. So the only way for him to penetrate you, I guess, if that's what they're worried about, he's gonna. He's gonna penetrate you in your bed. He's gonna come underneath your going to penetrate you in your bed. He's going to come underneath your bed to penetrate you, so it doesn't penetrate you on top of your bed or like in through the side.
Speaker 1:I'm not sure what the specifics were. I didn't. I didn't necessarily grow, necessarily grow up that scared of it. Yes, it's one of those things where it got mentioned quite a few times and you're like, no, but I mean, you don't want to be the first one to die. So, yeah, you always just be aware of all these. So what was your under bed situation then? Uh, yeah, I actually had a great space for him to hide. Uh, you were inviting him in.
Speaker 1:As soon as you heard about penetration, you were like, okay, okay, samagotchi, get in my bed, I'm just sat here all by myself, swoop on in and crush my soul and spread some mischief. Okay. So, yeah, spread some Mischief. And I figured you know what, let me go when I think there's a fair bit of Misfortune. And I figured, yeah, let's Go to Brockbahn. Okay, what's so Special or non-special about Brockbahn? Brockbahn is actually. And I figured, yeah, let's go to Brakban. Okay, yeah, what's so special or non-special about Brakban? Brakban is actually just a.
Speaker 1:I think it's a good community. I think they've had their struggles. I think they might, actually, I'm probably. I love the people from Brakban. That's nice, that's nice. They're good people. However, it looks like they permanently go through hard times in terms of yeah, because this Tamagotchi guy is running around spreading mischief, right, right.
Speaker 1:So, basically, the three words that that gave me was ticking, toolbar and ample. Ticket Again, sorry, repeat Ticking, ticking, toolbar, toolbar, repeat Ticking, ticking, toolbar, toolbar and ample and ample. So if you put those three words into the website, what three words? They will take you specifically to Black Barn. And where in Black Barn? Is it like someone's house or was it just on the B of Black Barn on the map.
Speaker 1:No, it was my four little bricks or four little squares, and so, for those at home who may be now terrified that one of these Tamagotchi guys are going to be hanging over their bed, you said they were like a dwarf. Yeah, like a man. What are we talking? They describe this it's hideous being. I never knew what it would look like because it's, I mean, you kind of imagine what it would look like. But this is actually the first time I'm Googling it and, yeah, it basically looks like what I uh, what are they called? Almost like a Gremlin type thing. But this is what I found oh man, that's terrifying, that is and that could have. I've seen people like that in in in England, like that in in in england. Honestly, in a weather spoons at 1am in the morning. I've seen people just like that it's probably just a tamagotchi on a downtime or just before he's gonna go penetrate someone's under their bed. So I can understand where that would have come from. Yeah, what a terrifying thing. So, yeah, that would keep you up at night, okay, so those are giving you your three words.
Speaker 1:You went home and we found what is a true legend, an urban legend, yeah, okay. Well, for my three words, dylan. I did not go home, okay, because England we have some like Victorian ghosts just knocking around a hotel or two, you know, they'll just shriek in the night. Nothing particularly scary, okay. So I've had to go to the stands, the countries of the stands, right, all right. Not much known about them from our point of view. So I thought, speak for yourself. I am an expert in the stands, in the stands, okay. Well, dylan, I bet you have never. Don't call me on it. Okay, welcome to the quiz.
Speaker 1:Turkistan or not? Well, I went to the country Turk Menestan, all right, okay, and I did some digging through the archives. I went to an ancient library deep into Turkmenistan so that's where I've been MIA the past couple of days because I've been on a trip and I went into their founding book, it, this large leather-bound book covered with ancient dust, and then I opened the book to find where Turkmenistan has got his name. So the Turkmenistan is actually a monster Half turkey, half man, half Stan, so it's one and a half beings, dylan, this half turkey, half man, half Stan, and by Stan I mean someone who's really fucking into you, like you know the Eminem level of Stan. You know you're a Stan, someone's a Stan. You're a super fan, stan Stan. Oh, okay, stan stan, you get me. No, yeah, but you've seen, you've seen. You know the song right, it's sunny's like hey, slim, I really like you so much, and then, like he turns nasty, but you call that a stan. Oh shit, actually, sorry, there we go. Sorry, yeah, nice job, we've learned something today.
Speaker 1:So the country of turkmenistan is named after its heinous, a most scary, terrifying, mythical creature the half-Turkey, half-man, half-stan. Now, I bet you're thinking Turkmenistan big country. Of course it is. It's one of the stans. They're really fucking large and no one knows what's going on in them, except for a half-Turkey, half-man half-stan.
Speaker 1:Where is it located in Turkmenistan? Well, it is in the most terrifying, the scariest, most frightening, shocking names in Turkmenistan. It is the city of Mary. Nice job, the ship, terrifying. So Mary is a city in an oasis in the Karakum Desert in turkmenistan, located on the mergab river, and was founded in 1884 because the previous was abandoned.
Speaker 1:Some say it was ravaged by the mongols, dylan. Others say it was the half turkey, half half man, half Stan. So Is that math, though? Like half half half? Yeah, it's a mythical beast, dylan. It is a half man, half turkey, half Stan. It's one and a half. Okay, it is a crazy beast. Okay, it is one and a half beings. That means it is mythical.
Speaker 1:What's what's so interesting about half turkey, half man? Well, that's fucking bullshit. Just gobbling around all the floor with a little ball bag hanging down from its neck, I want something terrifying half man, half turkey, but someone, when they like you, gets really fucking into you, follows you, takes lockets of your hair, you know, sends creepy gifts to your house. That is the half turkey, half man, half stan, turkmenistan monster beast in the heartland of mary. Okay, now I bet you're thinking no, I know what you're thinking. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking what three words could these possibly have given you, james?
Speaker 1:And is your story got anything to do with the half turkey, half man, half stan? Well, I say no, but the three words that we have today that relate to this episode are thudding, quest episode. It's thudding quest episode. We're going to have a quest episode. We're going to do a quest episode. I have a quest for you. Yeah, if I didn't know, you had that. So, after your story, dylan, because you, you've gone first, we will be having a thudding quest episode. You're going on a quest, there'll be zany characters, there'll be trials and tribulations and there may or may not be a happy ending. You'll have to see.
Speaker 1:I like it. I like it a lot. Drop it down low. Three word story. So, dylan, your three words were Ticking, toolbar and ample. And what is your three word story? And why so I actually?
Speaker 1:You know where I find these characters. I find them wandering about. Obviously, we I network somewhat, right? Yeah, I have noticed you networking, networking around, giving cards out to people, talking to people in elevators, and I always know it's because you're trying to get a three-word story out and I appreciate that. 100.
Speaker 1:So met this guy, uh, called curtis. Yeah, curtis loves the third. If you really want to be specific, okay, right, curt Love III. However, he's looking for a platform to kind of showcase his rap. Okay, nice, okay, right. What better platform than a three-word story? I actually thought what a terrible idea. Because he's not as talented as he thinks he is. Hey, neither are we. It's the best place to be Touche. Yes, exactly, thinks he is. Hey, neither are we, it's the best place to be touche. Yes, exactly.
Speaker 1:Three word story, limited on talented and awful setups of audio and lighting. Yeah, so, um, basically, this particular person, he gave me a sample, okay, sample, kind of a what what skills he's got. But I figured, um, he's not necessarily at the best of what he does, but he is entertaining. So I invited him on the show and, uh, so he's here. He's here. Oh, my goodness, all the way from kentucky. Oh, an american guest again. No, no, kentucky in kazakhstan. Oh, I'm sorry, my bad, it's's not far from Mary, right, yeah, so he draws a lot of inspiration from Eminem.
Speaker 1:Actually, you know what?
Speaker 1:I'm not going to do? Much of the talking, okay, I'll have him sit here, you can. You can ask him a couple of questions if you want, okay, but, yeah, good luck with a little Slimothy Slimothy, hey, slim. Uh, good luck with uh little slimothy, slimothy, hey, slimothy, how you doing yo man? How you doing hi, sorry, slimothy, right, yeah, yeah, that's my rap name, slimothy. That is a fantastic rap name. Now, um, uh, dylan only gave me a little little bit. You're a rap artist, right, that, that that'll be. So, that'll be. So, okay, right, um, so we have a platform here, a three-word story, um, spread to tens of people, where we can get your story, your rap, your songs out there, but first of all, as with any music, slimothy, we need a bit of backstory.
Speaker 1:Who are you and why? You know, man, life's been tough. I'll be honest. I grew up in the hood of West Hollywood in Kentucky. Okay, in Kazakhstan, yeah, yeah, kentucky, in Kazakhstan. I'm not sure there's a lot of stands, but yeah, yeah, so no. So I kind of just figured I don't want to be what the rest of the town is. So thus I went with With something. I was leaning a bit more Into music After my After some Some difficulties in my life, okay, and yeah, after, after my goldfish died, what was your goldfish name?
Speaker 1:It was Froldfish, thrilled Fish, froldfish, froldfish. Okay, my goldfish named Froldfish Froldfish. Okay, and they passed away. And is some of that soul related to your music? Yeah, and they passed away. And it is some of that soul related to your music. Man, if I were a podcast guest, I would think that's a very funny name for for goldfish. Come on, that guy must be really good at it, bro. Yeah, absolutely, three word story. It's all about improv, for sure. Yo, yo, yo, I drew some inspiration from that, just knowing that tough times can pass, and yet if you just dive deep into your music, well, that's how I just kind of escaped it. So, yeah, man, that's that's my story. That's my story.
Speaker 1:And have you got some sick beats to lay down today in front of all? Yeah, I actually came in just to set the record straight because, um, some, some people uh kind of say that, uh, my freestyles, I can't keep them going like I get in my head a lot, and they say I just always make excuses and kind of chicken out of them. And I'm just here to to kind of set the record straight. So I'm, I'm gonna, I'm gonna do a rap for y'all, okay, and uh, do you want me to lay down some sick beats for you right now and then you can spit some bars? Yeah, yeah, man, yeah, I'm, I'm always, I'm always ready, I'm always ready, I'm always ready. Okay, all right, let's see Right. So, slimothy, yo, yo For the three-word story public For shizzle bars.
Speaker 1:Let's see what you got. Yo, hey, it's Timothy Slimothy, ready for some beats. Yo, missed that one. Let me wait for another one. My mind been ticking since my goldfish passed. I wrote him in the will and signed it in a crayon past.
Speaker 1:Got a watch that don't work, but I still Flex it Sayin' Time's an illusion. That's my mental skill. Yo, yo, yo, stop, stop, stop, whoa, whoa, whoa, stop, stop. Well, what happened, timothy? Come on, I felt like we were on a flow there. Yo, what happened? What happened? I'm actually thirsty. Oh, okay, that's that's why. Okay, I just, I just needed Enjoying a delicious Clips Heineken Zero, enjoying a delicious Heineken Zero. Yeah, man, so I was not in my flow, I was just parched. Okay, is your whistle wetted? Is your whistle wetted? Is your whistle wetted? That was better. Have you got a wet whistle? Yes, okay, all right, all right, okay, okay.
Speaker 1:So Dan told me to use the word toolbar because apparently it's part of his three word story and I just wanted to work it in there. Okay, okay. So you just just that's. That's, that's the level of the word of three word stories. You're just going to say the word in between songs and rhyme it with another word. Ah, okay, sorry, sorry, I forgot.
Speaker 1:You are a sick rapper. Yeah, yo, yo, bro, do we need to do? We want to stack these, these sick beats up again. You know what? Just keep on rolling, keep on rolling and then, yeah, keep on rolling, baby, yeah yeah, round two. Life gave me pop-ups. I closed them with my toolbar but now it's frozen, like my ex in her car Tried to right-click Destiny but my mouse won't listen.
Speaker 1:I downloaded Success but forgot to installation the mission. Yo yo, stop, stop. Okay, what happened? I thought we were man. I could feel you staring at me and I felt a weird. I was just intoxicated with your six, six bars. You might just be intoxicated, man. I. I just want to say it's, it's a weird vibe. I'm feeling right like, not like my underpants. Is you got your underpants in a twist? Okay, yeah, so no, I kind of, kind of go yeah, don't worry, I'm better than this. Keep it wrote. Okay, all right, we're back in, we're back in, we're back in. I got god. No, let me try, I'll leave it.
Speaker 1:Got ample trauma, like 10 bags of flaming Cheetos and cousin who raps in Morse code at casinos. My confidence ample, like plates at noon, buffet plates at noon. But my purse collapsed like a bouncy castle at a family reunion. Yo yo, stop, stop, stop, stop. Man, I'm out here freestyling and you just cramping up my business.
Speaker 1:I was just, I was doing a little bit of producing. You know, I think of myself as a timberlake timberland. I think of myself as a timber, a timber lake, timberland, timberland. I think of myself as a timberland. You know, I'm just sat here going, I'm just chucking an explosion or something, and for that all I ask I'll just there's a little bit of production. All I ask is for my name to be on the song, completely like so it's just james and it'll be featuring you. Okay, that's that's my level of production here.
Speaker 1:If that's okay with you, I'm just adding some a little bit of pepper, a little bit spice on what do you think I'm not happy with the setup. I think you you trying to clown um dylan. What do you want to say? Well, you know what? Honestly, I think we should. Uh, okay, all right, we're fucking out, all right.
Speaker 1:Okay, but dylan's back in the room, everyone. It's just, you guys look so similar. I mean, it's just a generic white guy, number three. You know he's back again. Uh, that was terrible. Uh, you didn't enjoy that. I didn't enjoy that at all. Why did you invite him in if you thought he was so bad? I mean, I thought it would be entertaining. That's why I brought him on, hey.
Speaker 1:But now I actually just want to spit it. I want to give him some three more words. Okay, right, um, and what so? Um, listen, slimothy, you good with uh good working in uh choke coward and excuses, oh shit, and where, where are these? What do you mean, these three words? Are they from anywhere or are they just you're just chucking three more words at him? No, I just figured it would be fitting, but we can reword that. Okay, so it's a slam. Sorry, it was a slam. I missed that one. I thought we were talking about a location. I'm not slamming anyone, okay. I'm just plainly giving him words and see if he can. He can use it, okay.
Speaker 1:Well, slimothy, now's your time. What have you got? Can you hit the cowardly? Yo man, I gotta choke coward. Excuses, that sounds personal to me.
Speaker 1:Drop the beat. I try to spit fire, but I started to choke Like a sandwich stuck in my throat. That's no joke. Yeah, oh, that was good producing right there. Thank you very much.
Speaker 1:I'll have my name on the song and it'll be featuring you. Yeah, well, you know what? Let's roll in with Coward 3, 2, 1, let's drop it. Oh, yeah, rolling with Coward Three, two, one. Let's drop it. Ah, yeah, hey, sorry, we're just warming up to the next bit. Here we go, here we go. It's building, it's building. Slimothy, you are going to knock this one out the park.
Speaker 1:Slim and Em is what they call me. I think that's a copyright. I am no coward, just shine when the mic's in my grip Hearts racing fast like a runaway ship. Yeah, boom, yeah, man, coward, you see you're dropping there, and that was all just made up as well. Right, it was just off the top of your head.
Speaker 1:Boom, slimothy, curtis, slimothy, wow, showed you, showed you, dylan, showed you. You know what? I ain't making excuses. We'll drop a last one, just to send Dylan home. Oh shit, with a tail tucked between his Backwards panties. Got a list of excuses Longer than my Rap sheet, Like my brain's buffering and my flow's On repeat. Yo, Fire, on repeat. Yo, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire. I think so.
Speaker 1:Yo, anything out there for the haters, slimothy, anything you want to say to them before you go. Any tracks you're dropping, man, I've got a couple of songs working on it. They're not ready just yet, but I just wanted to say people just keep on going. You got a dream. Yeah, if I can make it out of Kentucky, you can make it out of anywhereucky, you can make it out of anywhere.
Speaker 1:Uh and uh, much love to you, to you, james and uh, yeah, fuck you. Thanks, tom, what'd you do? Nice job, all right. Well, wow, magical, yeah, truly, um, yeah, bit of a weird one, hey, uh, I think he pulled it back at the end. I really did, I think. When he got his flow going, the beat was sick. I think he knocked it out of park.
Speaker 1:I'd like to see him come again one day and really push his parts to the next level. Actually, I would like to see you and him in a rap battle future episode coming you, dylan, you know what? I don't think I've got my own accent down right. It's true, it's very inconsistent, never mind his accent, not that I should be worried about his accent, but, yeah, knowing the way I speak, fuck, it was like watching five people talking. At times it was all kinds of things I was like where's the Texan guy come from? I don't know.
Speaker 1:Drop a download with three word story. We have a thudding quest episode. And here is the game die, which I had the whole time. It did not have to leave for at all. This one, my dear friend, is for you. Please take it. Take it, it's like one of those. It's like all right, dear, right, right, right.
Speaker 1:So, dylan, let me paint you the picture. We're on a quest, so we need some quest music. Oh, I always like quest music, my favorite type of music To fall asleep to. Oh, right, okay, you're a quick caveat there, because I had to stop and I needed to know that every time you're in the office or in the gym, you're just bench pressing like Like One, two, I'm not going to lie to you At a stage. Yeah, jazz was my favourite in the gym. Oh, jazz, wow, don't get me wrong, it's not too motivating, but who needs motivation when you've got some jazz? Right, dylan, anyway, not Tomfoolery. We're on a quest right now.
Speaker 1:Okay, so, dylan, you are an elven squire Got a little pointy. Why did you have to make me an elf, like I could be so many different things. No, no, I'm not self-conscious about my height, not at all. That's why I'm completely fine being an elf. What would you like to be? I would like to be a knight.
Speaker 1:Okay, roll your dice. Roll your dice. Can I be a knight? Also, what do I know? What do I know? Yeah, I should have confirmed.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry, you rolled the dice and you are an elf. You are an elven squire who suffers from a deep pain in his anus. You are on a deep, burning quest to discover a relief for this pain that lives deep within you, and by within you, I mean your anus. Okay, so, dylan, you are an elven squire running the plains of this mythical world. You find it difficult to sit down, sometimes, you know, or barely running and running, and sometimes it's just it's a bit too uncomfortable. So you are going to go on a quest to find this sweet, sweet relief.
Speaker 1:Now, as you go out on this voyage and I need you to make note of this in your mind in your little tiny, cute rucksack that you have because you're a little elven squire you have a hook and rope, three coins and a pocket mirror, and we start our quest in either the local village tavern or the store. Roll your dice. Could I confirm, yes, what each of these like? Is it north of three? Is yes, and then Is that what? The? Just roll the dice. You're just going to select a story for me. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Odds will be one way, evens will be the other.
Speaker 1:Whether you make your way into the tavern or the store, I'm just going to guide you wherever I want. Okay, fine, all right, five, and what's the number Five? So you make your way into the local tavern, right, okay. So you swing open the door. Nice job, nice job. So I. So you swing open the door. Nice job, nice job. So I'm trying to do the music, I'm trying to do the storytelling. So I appreciate you doing the voice out your mouth. Right.
Speaker 1:So you step into the tavern, dylan, you look around and you see this wily character who comes to speak to you. What, duffner, are you to die? Are you on some kind of quest or something? That's exactly what I'm here for. Oh, and a pint, and a pint. Well, I'll tell you what. Gaffner, if you're out on a quest, you're probably going to want to do it quite sober. I'd suggest one of these Hardikon Zeros Great taste, zero alcohol. Oh well, I can notice that you've got a little bit of discomfort down there. Are you struggling to sit down, mister? Yes, I am Considering this is what I've been given. I need to. I am looking for a way. I am seeking relief because my anus apparently hurts. That's what we deal with here.
Speaker 1:On three word story oh, blimey governor, that sounds like an awful kind of thing you're going through. Well, I'll tell you what I know for nothing that there is a emulet of Anasol that is guarded by this mythical beast out in a cave. Now, let me think as you get on getting there. Well, I think you have to go up through the enchanted forest, and then you go up the river of death Doesn't look very good there, governor? And then into the cave of no return Battle the beast, and then, I think, you get yourself an amulet of anusol. What do you say? Good on you, all right.
Speaker 1:Well, I tell you what, governor, if you're going to go out on this kind of voyage, you're probably going to need yourself a noble steed, okay, and if you've got just three coins in your pocket, I'll provide you with a steed. And I tell you what I'll throw in as well this lovely little stone I have here. Apparently, the guy who sold it to me told me it was a stone of rebirth. Looks like just a stone to me, but as you're on an Anusol Explorer, I reckon you could use it more than me. What do you say? Roll the dice. Two, two or less than three means it's a deal.
Speaker 1:Governor Dylan, you lovely little elven, round the back of the old wily, wherever we are, the tavern, you'll find your noble steed and the rock. Just for you, ades et send. But oh, it sounds fantastic. So you venture out of the tavern and you meet your new travel companion, the noble steed. Near, do you speak like that the whole time? Near, near, you speak like that the whole time, near. Hi, dylan, I'm your Noble Steed. My name is Hooves. How are you today, hooves? I can't be better, thank you. Thank you very much for asking. That is great news. Well, my friend, the Cockney guy, has told me that I'm going to take you on a noble quest for you to sort out your anus. Is this correct? Yes, regrettably, this is correct. Yes, that's great, that's great news, wonderful news.
Speaker 1:Still in the Elven Squire? Well, I think we need to head into the woods over there, but I don't know if you would rather go through the River of Death or the Forest of Enchantment. First I tell you what. Why don't you make a decision? Oh, a five. I know, oh God, I know where that takes us and I don't think I like it one little bit. It's going to take us to the Forest of Enchantment. That sounds better. Right, that's good, I think. But then you have the tribe's people.
Speaker 1:They give you riddles, riddles that if you don't solve they will send you to the well of despair. You sounded a lot friendlier a minute or two ago. But sure, let's go. Let's go Hop aboard, dildy Alpha man. I'll just lay on my stomach minute or two ago. But sure, let's go. Let's go Hop aboard Dildy Elfman, I'll just lay on my stomach. Who goes there? This is for a guy with an anus problem. Ha ha ha. I wondered why you walked so funny in my enchanted jungle. To pass my enchanted forest or jungle depends where, regionally, you come from you must answer three riddles. If you fail with the riddles, you will be slain into the well in which you will not return. Oh, that sounds so scary, dylan.
Speaker 1:I hope your elven brain can solve these riddles. Don't worry, mike, I've got it. It's hooves, hooves, I'm sorry, hooves. I know we've just met, so I forgive you, but it's hooves. From now on, your first riddle. Elven man with a sore anus.
Speaker 1:I speak without a mouth and hear without ears. I have no body, but I come alive with the wind. What am I? Wind chimes, would you like any time to think? Well, the fact that you just asked me that question, that was a very subtle way of telling me I'm here to help you, okay, okay, hooves, what do you say? Oh God, I'm not very good at these, I'm just a horse with hooves. Now, you're just a horse. I speak without a mouth and I hear without ears, and I have no body, but I come alive with the wind. I can imagine it probably has something to do with noise repeating, like if I was the Grinch and I was shouting into a cave and the cave shouted back at me Echo, oh, that is correct.
Speaker 1:Noble traveler, you have one riddle down, but can you solve the other two and avoid the? Well, oh, I'm really scared. Now. You measure my life in hours and I serve you by expiring. I'm quick when I'm thin and slow when I'm fat. The wind is my enemy. Ah, dylan, I don't know why Mulk jumped to mind, but I know that's not that. That's not my final answer. Let me phone a friend. Okay, no problem Again. I think he said you measure my life in hours and I serve you by expiring. I'm quick when I'm thin and slow when I'm fat and the wind is my enemy. Is it a fly? No, it is not a fly. That is an incorrect riddle. I will give you one more chance, traveler. It was of course a candle.
Speaker 1:I have cities but no houses. I have mountains but no trees. I have water but no fish. What am I? Oh God, I don't even know what this could be. I don't want to go into the well Whose?
Speaker 1:What did he say? He said that he has cities but no houses. I have mountains but no trees, and I have water but no fish. What is he? And I have water but no fish, what is he? Four, dear traveler, you are incorrect. With four, you will be banished to the well of no return. No hooves, you can't.
Speaker 1:Let me go into the well of despair. We're going in together because we're companions now forever, dylan. Oh no, he's put magic on us and now we're in the well. Oh, my god, do you have anything in your rucksack that could help us? Yes, I've got a rope and Maybe a hook-like device. Maybe if you throw it, I reckon if you get an even number, you would be able to get us out the well. An even number, an even number. I thought it was going to create a. You got a four. We are out of the well. You are the best elven creature that there ever dare be. We're out of the well and we're out of the woods, but are we out of the danger? No, there's no need to romanticize quite yet.
Speaker 1:All right Now, dylan, the Elvish guy with his sore anus. I know this place. It's very scary. It's the river of death and no return. Hooves, can I ask you a question? Yes, yes. Can I ask you a question? Yes, if someone were to be listening to us on this quest, could you not remind them that I have a sore anus at every chance, at every turn you have? That's all I ask. Sorry, dylan, I just need people to know the consequences of this failed battle, because I'm sure every listener at home at one time or another have been affected by piles or fissures. It's basically something that is relatable, even though it's a mythical story. Dylan, I know.
Speaker 1:These creatures Close your eyes. You cannot look at them because if you look into their eyes, they turn you to stone. He goes there on our mystical river that is enchanted by death. He goes there, seth, marlin Brando, don't open your eyes. It could be. Who goes there. Is that Marlon Brando? Don't open your eyes, it could be. Who goes there? It is I, dylan.
Speaker 1:Ah, I'm an elf. I have heard about you. You got out of the well despite having your source of amnesty. We now have our eyes closed and we cannot get out of this situation.
Speaker 1:What can we do? What do you have in your bag? I still have three gold coins. I spent my coins. You used your hook and your A stone. No, I don't think you could use a stone here. Hold on, you have something, I think, in your bag. I can't see it because my eyes are closed, because if they look at me or I look at them, I can't understand. Remind me what I have again.
Speaker 1:Hooves, I believe it was a pocket mirror. Oh, a pocket mirror. Hooves, I have a pocket mirror. What a surprise. I never saw that coming. You are quite the adventurer, dylan. I reckon if you angle your mirror in the right direction. You could make them look at themselves and turn to stone. I reckon an odd number would work on your dice. I reckon you might have to roll it again. You can't see it. Ah, it's a one. Oh no, I'm turning to stone. Wow, dylan, open your eyes. You have defeated these scary river creatures.
Speaker 1:Once the music stops, everything is destroyed. Now we are quiet, we have moved on. You are such a mystical person. How do you feel? What lessons have you learned on this incredible journey as we make our way to the cave of noviti? I thought I was done with the riddles. I have learned that I'm not pausing for effect. Yet I, uh, I'm trying to say that you've learned no lessons.
Speaker 1:Catch 22 I can't even remember the riddle. So, yes, no, I don't. It was an echo, echo, okay, an echo. So have you also learned that you are a strong being who could tackle and destroy anything? Yes, oh, that's good news Because, dylan, the Elfish man with the sore anus, you have one more victory to have and I, hooves, your noble, steed and bestest friend in the whole wide world, will be there to protect you. Will you always be there for me, dylan the elfish creature? You know what, hooves? I thought I was overpaying for you, but no, you really have guided me. So, yes, thank you. Thank you, dylan.
Speaker 1:I think we have found ourselves into the cave of no return. Yo, let me in. Fuck off, curtis. Who goes there Into my cave of no return? It is I, curtis, who goes there into my cave of no return. It is I, dylan, the guy with the sore anus. I know you. Your legend has spread across this mythical world where I know, someone like you with the sore anus is beating everyone in his path.
Speaker 1:I've heard about people like you from my cousin, the troll, which I sound very much like. If you go back to previous episodes of the musical, you will know of his story. Well, dylan, I have something for you An amulet of anusol, I believe, is what you want, but it is something you will not get. You will suffer with a sore anus for the rest of your time. Oh no, declan. Oh no, desi Dylan. Oh shit, I'm sorry. I'm so scared that I got your name wrong. It's fine, it's cool. Fair enough, dylan.
Speaker 1:I see there's a big rock up there, precariously wedged. I reckon if you threw your stone at it it would wedge down and crush the troll and maybe you could get your anus or amulet. What do you say? Huzzah, huzzah. Indeed, dylan, I, hooves, want your anus to be well looked after. Roll your dice and see. Oh no, you threw the stone. It did hit the rock, but the rock's not going to hit the troll. Don't worry, dylan, I will dive in the way. I will make sure that the troll gets hit by the stone. Don't worry about me. Hooves, no Hooves, you're silent. Hooves, no Hooves, you're silent Hooves. Are you there? Hooves, no Hooves, I am Ghost Hooves. I am Ghost Hooves, I am ghost hooves. Don't worry about me.
Speaker 1:Villain, I'm guessing that rock down there turned out not to be a rock of rebirth. As you can see, my little hoof is poking out from the rock. Maybe there is a small chance I could be brought back to life with an even number. What shall I? You just told me Fuck, success, success, I have been reborn. Who slips off? Thank you for believing me, dylan. I live on. Our story does not end here. Listen, can I re-roll? No, I'm here forever now. Thanks, hoops. I love you, dylan and Hoops Together forever. Oh, thank you. Thank you, dylan, a noble elven warrior.
Speaker 1:How does your anus feel now? I have taken the emisol, anisol Available in Edgar's Pharisees. I have taken the emisol available in good pharmacies. I'm drinking zero, zero percent beer and apparently also do product placement for anisol available in good pharmacies. And does your anus feel soothed? It's so, so relieved I can, I can sit again. Oh, nay, nay, with joy, nay, with rejoice. The Dylan, the Elven Squire, can sit again.
Speaker 1:So that was your quest, dylan. How did you find it? Was it inspiring? You know what? I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to hooves. It's okay, I'm still here.
Speaker 1:Dylan Hooves, yes, I just wanted to thank you for the trusty steed you've been over this journey. You, you and I shall ride off into the sunset together, painless and with our eyes to the future. Yeah, yeah, that was a very nice. That was good, that was nice. Wow, I hope you learned lessons. You were a incredible, incredible warrior. You really were.
Speaker 1:You defeated the, the people in the forest and their riddles. Well, actually you didn't. You got by them by getting out of the, the wells with her. They're still there and they're pretty pissed. Hooves was there for you at every step of the way and, who knows, this might not be the last time that we've heard from hooves and I love how these characters always get mentioned, being like you know what. They might just come back because you know what I think they should.
Speaker 1:Oh well, coming next time on three word story. So we've gone through um, spitting bars, some rap, um, and we've gone through spitting bars, some rap, and we've gone through a whole entire quest of complete chance and favour in which you have soothed your anus, dylan, for next week, where shall we look in the world and why? You know what? Let's do something completely different. Let's actually rework it where we type in the words to find the location, no, no, yeah, okay, right, so you choose. I, I'm, I'm, yes, anding the shit out of this, yes, and so usually Everyone at home we find a location and that gives us three words. But you can type in three random words or three words that suit you, and it gives you the location, yeah, so I'm thinking that we choose the words. So, yes, that kind of gives us a leg up on the story, but we must incorporate the location. That's fair, that is a great idea. So next week, on Three Word Story, that's what we'll do Double kill and scene and scene Drop a download with Three Word Story.
