Three Word Story
Welcome to "Three Word Story," where each episode improvises a tale from the unknown. Join hosts James Royle and Dylan Jacobs as they stumble through narratives sparked by three random words generated from the map app what3words thethreewordstory@gmail.com
Three Word Story
27.Napoleon Visits The Future & Nuremberg Comment Box
Step into a world of underground wonders as James and Dylan embark on an improvisational journey to discover hidden civilizations beneath our feet. Using the What Three Words app as their guide, they transport listeners to mysterious caves with fascinating histories and supernatural connections.
The adventure begins with James recounting his recent visit to Team Lab Phenomena in Abu Dhabi, where immersive digital art installations create magical experiences—though somewhat marred by holiday crowds. His vivid descriptions of interactive projections and impossibly black spheres set the stage for our exploration of other mysterious spaces.
When searching for underground lairs, Dylan takes us to Ecuador's Cueva de los Teos, speculating about connections to El Dorado myths and the possibility of civilizations living deep within Earth's core. Meanwhile, James shares his personal experiences at Wookiee Hole in Somerset, England, where childhood fears of an animatronic witch gave way to adult encounters with unexplainable phenomena that left him questioning his skepticism about the supernatural.
The episode features two brilliant improvisational segments that showcase the hosts' quick wit and historical imagination. First, Dylan transforms into time-traveling Napoleon Bonaparte, who's eager to set the record straight about his height (he insists he's 5'7") and his numerous romance novels. Then James crafts an alternative history where social media platforms like "Instagram" and "YouTube" were actually invented in 1662 Nuremberg through mass-produced pencils and sheep-skin scrolls—complete with the same toxic comment sections we know today.
Whether you're fascinated by underground mysteries, historical reimaginings, or just love spontaneous comedy, this episode delivers with the perfect blend of research and absurdity. Subscribe now and join us next week as we search for locations where you might find mythical creatures!
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Welcome to Three Word Story. I'm James.
Speaker 2:I'm Dylan.
Speaker 1:And this is the podcast where we take three words from the app.
Speaker 2:What three words.
Speaker 1:And improv the shit out of a story.
Speaker 2:Today on Three Word.
Speaker 1:Story Humor me. I'm a humor puma. Humor me. Okay, Please don't do that again.
Speaker 2:Let's start your week today. Three words To the world. Who is your oyster?
Speaker 1:That is funny. I prefer the cat. Dogs are for pussies. Jump in, Jumping in. You want me to jump in Because I'll jump in. Merry podcast to you. Dilbas Dimbledore, how are you? Avalokitavara and a merry podcast.
Speaker 4:Avalokitavara. Avalokitavara.
Speaker 2:I was banking on people having watched that reel you were what?
Speaker 1:At least knowing you were banking. Sorry, you were banking on hoping that.
Speaker 3:That I mean, I think everyone in the known universe.
Speaker 1:Dylan has seen the, and that is why I called you, because I think of you every single time, especially when it goes to the. Every single time I think of you. Do you like how I pulled the microphone away from my face? Yeah, yeah, yeah, very professional. What do you say, tom? Sorry, he doesn't say that. He says nice job. Thanks, tom dilbas dimpledor. How are you today?
Speaker 2:and why? Yeah, not bad I. I wanted to respond as dumbledore dumbled uh, whatever the fuck you called me. Yeah, yeah, uh dilbas dimpledor is what I call this dilbas dimpledor.
Speaker 1:I might do a few episodes of Harry Potter-related joke names because it's in the zeitgeist at the moment They've cast for a HBO series of Harry Potter. I don't know if you've seen this or not.
Speaker 2:I've seen this, yeah.
Speaker 1:It's creating quite the stir because people hate the fact that maybe there's some diversity in this particular series now, so that maybe there's some diversity in this particular uh series now. So that is wound people up the wrong way because apparently fictional characters can't be anything other than white in the harry potter?
Speaker 2:okay, so that makes me ask the question who was then not the typical cast? Oh, like you don't know, you don't know, okay, no, no, there's two notable there's two notable.
Speaker 1:So snape is a black man I think it's the guy who plays doctor, who I think he's a famous actor, very good actor, seems very good um it, but who gives a fuck you know whether he's. Whatever he may be. And then hermione is um puerto rican maybe I'm not quite sure she's not like, um, uh, it's really gonna sound awful.
Speaker 1:Whatever way I say, she's not white, right and again, that's absolutely fine. Good for them. Who gives a shit? The people apparently online losing their rag because this book that they once read which I'm not sure if they ever actually described the skin color of these kids or not, who knows but because they were cast in a film once upon a time. Apparently that needs to be that forever. But hey, they've come in, they've added some diversity, they've shown that the world is a diverse place. So why not? Well done, well done the people involved. Tom, you say nice job. Tom is not racist, he's a not racist producer, he's a nice guy and he likes he seems pretty consistent in his approach of most things.
Speaker 1:He is look hey if you brought up anything out of order, you know. If you said anything like hey tom, what's your thoughts on the kkk? Nothing, just nothing at all. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not gonna.
Speaker 2:That's not. I got excited there's a second. I'm not gonna give him a nice job.
Speaker 1:No, he is consistent. He would rather say nothing than something negative, and that's what we like about our producer.
Speaker 1:He's a nice guy nice job so dylan, today we are obviously we're gonna find our three words using the map application. What three words? And we're gonna find somewhere today, uh that, where we think maybe an underground civilization may live somewhere in the world. So it's quite broad, um, but before before we get into that, let me tell you about a wonderful place that I visited, uh, that I cannot remember the name, that I copy and pasted and now I've just pasted and now I can remember, okay, so yesterday, uh dylan, I went with uh ali and two friends to Team Lab Phenomena.
Speaker 1:Have you heard of said place, yes or no? Tell me, is it a?
Speaker 2:laser tag arena.
Speaker 1:Do you know what It'd make a great laser tag arena if it was? It's not, in fact, it is an area.
Speaker 3:It is a laser tag arena. Shit, I wish you had it.
Speaker 1:Come back. I wish you hadn't got me with that one. Uh, no, dylan, it's not, it wouldn't make a great one. It's basically how to describe it is art installations of a digital nature. Okay, okay.
Speaker 1:So picture this you arrive at said event arena in abu dhabi okay, wonderful city, the capital of this great, great nation and you go there and it's a blacked out room. One thing I would say about this place lighting is minimal, and I guess that adds to the ambience, right. So you go there, you have a foyer, you're queuing and it's pretty dark and you go in and then there's these tall pillars and they've got projectors on every single surface of colors moving around, animals weaving and ducking, and you can basically work with your surroundings. So there could be petals, let's say, on the wall, and I could brush my hand over them, dylan, and then they would move, like I am the master of the scenery around me. It's a magical place.
Speaker 1:So you go from room to room, area to area and you experience different things. There's one room. It's a big, old cylindrical room and in the middle is an impossibly black ball. So I mean, like you're looking at it and it's it's like a silhouette, silhouette like a shadow, like it just seems like, how is this, this dark Like?
Speaker 2:am.
Speaker 1:I looking into a hole, like, has someone bent over? And am I just looking deep into a hole or not? And then these fans come on and it raises ever so gradually and it's wonderful and grandiose, right, so it's things like this. Then we had some tea around some Japanese lanterns and then, yeah, it was pretty good. There then was this was the dry side, right? So the dry side it's, as you would imagine, not very wet. Okay, then we went to the wet side. Now the issue with going at the time we went, dylan, is it was the holidays, so Eid Mubarak to everyone out there and to our muslim friends eat my barrack. The issue is kids are plenty everywhere. So what should have been a lovely ambiance and lovely art fixtures and a big floating black void, for some reason was slightly ruined by screaming. Right, so you get to the dry area. Everyone's pretty chill, right, everyone's just relaxed oh yeah, it's pretty good.
Speaker 2:Put a bit of water in there. Especially in the desert, you put a bit of water in there is what the kids think.
Speaker 1:Right, they're going and you know what they're gonna do. They're gonna fuck shit up, right. So the first room you go into you have to take your shoes off and you're kind of like shin, mid shin height and there's like these floating I don't like boys almost and kids are going fucking spastic for it. Like everywhere else being calm here, chaos and pandemonium, just the the sharp smell of chlorine and kids diving over each other, splashing everywhere and you're like shit. I've just gone to a water park. So the wet stuff I would either wait till the kids are back at school or not bother. The dried stuff. Oh yeah, it was good, it was fine, right. So it was basically projectors everywhere. It was a very immersive experience. You were fully immersed, unless there was kids screaming and shouting at you. But I would recommend, I would give that uh four out of five. Uh, three word story points for that okay, that's yeah.
Speaker 3:Four out of five. Three and a half, three and a half I'm gonna give it three and a half.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna give three and a half because it's my fault for going when it's the holidays I, if you could go on a wednesday yeah, when the kids are at school. I'm sure, and you went in early it would be a four and a half five, you know, but because of my stupid fault, what's trip advisor out of?
Speaker 2:like it's also out of five, right, yeah, yeah, yeah, but fuck those guys. Yeah, yeah, this is a three word story.
Speaker 1:Trip advisor. We're coming to you. You know we're taking over everyone. Everything will be related and they'll be like why is out of five when it's three? And we'll go, don't, don't you worry, don't you worry I thought he was going to pop up you thought I to pop up, didn't you?
Speaker 1:uh, so that was my, that was my start of my holidays. I would, I would recommend that place. Just don't go when the kids are screaming. And uh, sadia island, abu dhabi. What a beautiful place. All right, go there. Dylan, have you been up to anything interesting for these merry holiday?
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, I actually. I actually kind of started the beginning of the week. I actually started pretty well, but then after that, yeah, I got a bit of illness. I'm not sure if it's kind of the temperature change, I don't know, but like I just woke up the one morning feeling so flat and, yeah, kind of just spent the rest of the week recovering, I guess, and yeah, not to bring the vibe down. But yeah, that was basically that I was basically, I am up on my feet again.
Speaker 2:Yes and uh, yeah, ready to, ready to rumble exactly, and that's what you keep saying to me.
Speaker 1:You keep grabbing me. Look, let's always say you are always rumbling, we're ready to rumble For those who don't know. With the temperature change in Dubai, it's gone from hot to really fucking hot. It's basically a sweatbox out there. So it happens right. There's air conditioning everywhere, there's germy wormies, but Dylan is firing all cylinders and he's ready to go. Rumble, so Rumble just a correction.
Speaker 3:Drop it down low with three word story oh Rumble.
Speaker 1:Okay, I thought that would have been a really good transition, Okay no, that's fine Okay so, yeah, okay, Drop it down low with three word story, dylan, right, so please keep it like that. We wanted to find our three words based in a place where we thought we might find an underground lair. I don't know why. I don't know why I put spice on. Fine, okay, hey, get out the rubble, tom gather rubble. What do you say behind, right you?
Speaker 2:know that that was. Could I, could I just apologize to you? James, I started laughing at the way that you pronounce something which, which really happens, it happens to me all the time and you don't shit on me when I do it. And then, the first opportunity that I had, I fucking jumped on it because I thought that was so funny.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, yeah, Fuck you man.
Speaker 1:So, Dylan, I'm going to style this one out. And what? Did you find for your underground lair you dickhead.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was kind of a. I was unsure if I was going to go dark with it. I don't know if you remember the, uh, the story, or like there's a book um child in darkness. Uh, no, please let me know. I think it was written 1985. I can't remember the author.
Speaker 1:And how often, dylan, are you? We announced the three words where we're going to go find it. How often do you sit there, look in the mirror and go? Am I going to go dark today?
Speaker 3:Oh, actually almost every time, yeah, a hundred percent.
Speaker 2:There's so many different ways you can go, and even with the story itself, I really sit there and think you know what maybe this direction but normally what I do is I stick to my first instinct and then I run with it whether it's a good idea or not, I just run with it.
Speaker 1:What mid-2000s comedy film can I parody out of this one?
Speaker 2:coming up next on the three-word story yeah, um, but no, uh. I decided not to go. Dark, not child in darkness, I decided to go I am looking forward to the day mid-2000s animation road to el dorado, that's the way I went with it. Or, if you really want to, you can go early 2000s, with atlantis possibly, but no, I went to cueva de los teos and for, for those listening, the three-word story at gmailcom.
Speaker 1:do you want dylan to go dark next time? Let us know in the comments of spotify or the email address okay, so we've gone to sorry again. Ecuador pronunciation okay, and what we think and we're finding there, dylan um, that would be el dorado. So yeah, and moving on, and moving on, we said we said that it was somewhere where we might find an underground lair or civilization right, what do you think's going on?
Speaker 1:tell me, no, it's uh, I mean no let's start off with that no, and let me continue so we went to an improv class once and um people weren't too fond of me in that class because, um, yeah, it either started with no or I couldn't get my three words out, which is essentially no, yeah, literally
Speaker 3:so tell me the exercise.
Speaker 2:No, I don't want to okay, so moving on. So it's located high in the rainforest um about one uh two kilometers uh south of the santiago river, but basically it's a cave with a vertical void 70 meters downwards. How did you come across this void? I wasn't there personally. I'll be honest. I did some digging.
Speaker 1:I wonder why you came in with a suitcase and stickers from no.
Speaker 3:I was.
Speaker 2:No, I just did some research and I actually figured, instead of making up a location or just going back home in terms of caves that I've been in there, I figured you know what. Let me kind of scroll around, see, see what's up and then yeah, kind of did some down yeah yeah, and went into this particular cave or came across this cave and I just love the thought.
Speaker 1:You're just scrolling, scrolling around, scrolling. Yeah, fuck me, is that? Is that a cave?
Speaker 2:no man, hey cave. I googled caves and then I went for for for caves that could be linked to some other story about myths of people living there or civilizations living there, and that's where I went with this particular one. And yes, considering that I did watch the uh, the movie road to el dorado earlier the week, I was like you know what this links perfectly. Let me stick to that. It seems like it might be possible, and the three words okay.
Speaker 1:So does the? Is it we hearing of the myth or is the myth relate to the story?
Speaker 2:no, it's basically it's literally the movie, it's basically this underground civilization. They have apparently found traces of human life down there and it's basically this long tunnel and connections what was they call it? The series of caves underneath the main cave, and they reckon, yeah, people probably kind of survived or lived down there and, yeah, there's potentially still some, some roots or some paths or tunnels to be discovered.
Speaker 1:Do we think that maybe there's still people living down there? Do you want to speculate right now? Is there people down in those caves?
Speaker 2:Probably not.
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:Moving on.
Speaker 3:Let's say let's humor me.
Speaker 1:Humor me.
Speaker 3:I'm a humor puma, humor me.
Speaker 1:okay, please don't do that again what do you mean I'm a? Humor. Puma Style me right now. All right, what would they look like? Let's say, these cave people. They're so deep in this cave, right, so they're barely seeing. Like, what are these cave people looking like and why?
Speaker 2:don't say something racist, no, what I figured, okay. So to get back to the child of darkness story, I was like you know what that could be linked to vampires and I thought about like the, like the european section. I thought, ah, you know what? Romania, maybe over there, like I'm thinking that's the way you go for it, but no, I reckon they probably look um somewhat latino. So you just think that, yeah, I think so, I mean.
Speaker 1:But they're not giving any sun.
Speaker 2:There are probably some deficiencies within that um for not being able or not seeing sun for x amount of time. But yeah, I think as as a base level of of human that's normally found in the area, I think that's so you just think they're just standard Central American? No, I actually think they look like. No, they look like aliens Okay.
Speaker 1:I'm thinking like golems, I'm thinking just a load of.
Speaker 2:That was one part of it, but then what I figured happened here was it opens up Like there are some myths out there that, like the core of earth is actually quite hollow, okay, okay, here we go. Now we're getting somewhere now they really are going to label me as enough.
Speaker 4:Tell me, come on, I want to hear about this hollow core all right. Who's living there?
Speaker 2:come on yeah, um, animated characters, but no, no, no, it's um so no. There is some speculation that there could be a series of caves that leading to or more towards the center of the earth, kind of having a kind of a different ecosystem, but then hopefully they would get their nutrients and kind of do their thing Just two kilometers below Earth to what we do.
Speaker 1:OK, and you're actively speculating with these people, based on science, I assume.
Speaker 2:No, not at all. This is pure speculation.
Speaker 1:You're not going in and chiming in on the Reddit feeds going Hi guys, I've got some scientific evidence here. I have found myself a cave in El Salvador and I think these are just latino people, but they go to the core of the earth.
Speaker 2:No, you're not doing that. I wouldn't say that out loud if it weren't this podcast.
Speaker 1:No, fair enough, dilbas dimpled, or so okay, now we know that you are a complete fucking lunatic who believes in people who live in the core of the earth uh, what were your three words for ethavador?
Speaker 2:posting, gain a and promptness okay, nice, all right.
Speaker 1:Well, I'm looking forward to hearing. Uh, what otherworldly tales you spin with such intricate three words. Now let me tell you, dylan, about where I got my three words. Now let me tell you, dylan, about where I got my three words for.
Speaker 2:And why Wait, James, tell me where you got your three words and why Thank you.
Speaker 1:I'm just wondering when you're ever going to ask me.
Speaker 3:Dylan Okay, because.
Speaker 1:I want to know why, where I get myself from and why. But no, I just have to spin along like a neglected wife just saying things into this goddamn microphone. So good at it. Oh, thanks, Dylan, I really appreciate that as you cheer your beater to me that was a proper. If you were wearing a white beater, beater, beater, that would have been perfect. You're like, and you're so good at it, love you. Go on there. Yeah, he's all right, you know he says nice things to me sometimes, Right, Dylan? Let me tell you about Wookie Hole. Have you heard of?
Speaker 2:Wookie Hole before you slam your head like that once more, it's going to be problems, kabam.
Speaker 1:No, it wasn't very bad, was it no, right? Wookie Hole, wookie, wookie Hole. What do you think I say to you, wookiee hole? What are you thinking? I'm thinking? Hole and hole. Yeah, it's just a hole, I think, and hole.
Speaker 2:Is it a hairy arsehole.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And yes, welcome to hairy arsehole. No, dylan, it's not a hairy arsehole. It is in fact a location in Somerset, england Hole.
Speaker 3:No, not hole, that's a completely different place.
Speaker 1:Hole H-O-L-E.
Speaker 3:Hole. Holy holy holy holy holy Hole.
Speaker 1:Okay, we're going wookie Hole Hole. Okay, let me take you to the wonderful side once more hole, hole, okay, not, not hole, don't go to hole.
Speaker 1:It's wookie hole, right, last time I'm gonna say wookie hole. Now, wookie hole is a small town in somerset england where I'm from. I'm not what from wookie hole, but I'm from somerset england, as as I have said before. So, like you saying, oh no, I don't want to go back to South Africa, well, fuck you, dylan. I'm going back to Somerset England to tell you about a wonderful place, wookiee Hole. Now you're thinking huh James, what underworld civilization is going to live in Wookiee Hole, england? Well, let me tell you this, dylan Wookiee Hole is a a sensational, woven, intricate design of underground caves you with me, okay, yeah, it's the 50th, 50th largest.
Speaker 2:We're in the 52nd deepest cave in southwest of england uh, no, dylan, it is an ancient cave system that's the word that I was looking for, like earlier.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, system, god, we are so clever um, and in these caves they have stalagmites, stalactites, they have acid, they have little bubbly pools of witchcraft and wizardry. Uh, I went there as a child. Uh, a young youth I've actually been there multiple times explains a lot. There are two, and that's why I'm an underground person. I've been twice. First time I went as a child, a young little whippersnapper the name james, and at the end they have this witch pop out at you. So, basically, you go through the caves. It's all very cavey, as you'd imagine very deep, very wet, very cavey, very dark, very cavey. Okay, I hope you're getting this. It's cavey echoing echo echo cavey.
Speaker 1:Okay, and at the end, for some fucking strange reason I guess for the kids, but not for someone of my age a witch pops out like this freaking animatronic witch. And then she's like I'm a witch, whatever. I fucking flee and jump under my grandfather's jumper that he's wearing to hide from sandwich. Okay, so the first time doesn't go so well for me. Now, on the return to wookiee hall, I was an. I was an adult. I was probably in my early twenties. Right, I'm gonna sock this I'm gonna fucking suck this witch right.
Speaker 1:So I go there and I'm like I'm prepared. Any tomfoolery that wookiee hall is gonna chuck at me, I'm fucking prepared for you. Prepared. Any tomfoolery that Wookiee Hole is going to chuck at me, I'm fucking prepared for you, don't even bother.
Speaker 2:I actually think that's pretty embarrassing, the fact that you're already, as an adult, being like no, no they're not going to get me.
Speaker 1:I'm basically Scrappy Doo.
Speaker 4:I'll wrap him, I'll tough him and everyone's like okay.
Speaker 3:Just relax.
Speaker 1:So I'm, I'm tailing on the back of this group. Okay, I'm tailing on the back of this group, thinking I'll be last the line, right, cause I don't give a shit what's behind me. Yeah, it's dark in here, but there's nothing scary, there's no witches, they ain't shit, right? And as I'm walking, I and I don't believe in ghosts, I don't believe in any of that shit, right, and that's why I'm at the back being a fucking hard nut, dylan, right, being a hard nut, going to anyone who will look at me and say otherwise, okay, and I just feel this otherworldly chill behind me, just like what's that? So I put my camera up, because I've watched those stupid ghost like searching shows where they, they see the quotations, orbs, right. So I'm like, fuck it, I'm gonna record, I'm gonna put my flash on and I'm gonna record it. Nothing there. I'm like, screw you, ghost, you don't have anything on me. I know nothing's there, I know witches don't exist. Fuck you, I'm a horse you rode in on.
Speaker 1:I watched the video back then. Guess what? I saw still nothing. A tiny, floating, potentially dust particle, but also could be confirmed as an orb. It was definitely a ghost. 100. I saw one and it tried to spook me and it couldn't get me. So fuck you ghost and wookie hole. But yeah, in, in, in all seriousness. Yes, though it did literally like float across the screen and I don't believe in this stuff, I genuinely don't but it still gave me the willies. Okay, if I was you know in 18, the willies were given.
Speaker 1:I was, I had all the willies Right and I was like, okay, I don't believe in it, but fuck you. Okay, but also fuck you.
Speaker 2:It's kind of just putting it no, I don't but I want to get out of this cave.
Speaker 1:I don't believe that there is a load of El Salvadorians in the core of the centre of the earth, you know doing their core people. But I don't want to go there and find out and prove anyone wrong, because it's probably hot magma and I will turn to slime. If I go there, you get me. Well, there goes that theory Exactly right. So there is the legend of the Witch of Wookiee Hall. Maybe I was haunted by her, maybe I wasn't, but I almost certainly was, and she fucking looked at me and thought that guy is a fucking tough nut. I'm staying away from that guy and that's my story of Wookiee Hall ladies and gentlemen, and next time on Three Word Story.
Speaker 1:Dylan, you're probably thinking what words and I knew it was on the tip of your tongue you're gonna go james. What words did that give you and why? I knew you were literally about to say that. Let me do it, I always do yeah, and let me do it for you. That gave me these three words for wookie hole. And this is precisely wookie hole, not even four squares away. It gave me irate followers teach Capiche, capiche, capiche. Okay, tom, you ready.
Speaker 3:Nice job.
Speaker 1:Let's hit our two stories right now for a double kill Drop it down low with three word story. Tell them You're up first today, as we prearranged this, because we've gone past uh, rock, paper, scissors and all the other tomfoolery in games and we're just getting right down to business. So please, filber stimbledore, let's start your weeks today.
Speaker 3:Three-word story yeah.
Speaker 2:I think the flow of those words really makes sense. I don't think you said anything wrong, but you made me question if that was actually the way to say it.
Speaker 4:I was like I'm not sure that's the way you should say it.
Speaker 1:I know he's the native English speaker, but fuck that up. You know I think you're not wrong. Listen back and see on.
Speaker 4:Three.
Speaker 1:Word Story to James. Fuck it Up, he edits it, so maybe he can stitch it together if he wants to, all right.
Speaker 2:So we've got an interesting character coming in today. Yes, now, as you kind of have confirmed me believing that there's an ancient civilization living in the core of the earth kind of basing or going on that I also have a few bizarre friends. Now, this particular person believes he has time traveled all the way from the 1700s Okay, interesting To today's time. So he is actually not only he is actually or claiming to be Napoleon.
Speaker 1:Bonaparte oh shit, you just dropped that on me, Just absolutely freaking. I love the pause.
Speaker 2:I love the pause yeah because actually I couldn't remember his name, ironically, but I could remember his surname. Bonaparte. Yeah, of course you could.
Speaker 1:Bonaparte, bonaparte. Yeah, of course you could, bonaparte.
Speaker 2:Bonaparte Anyway.
Speaker 1:So we have no proof or evidence if this is or is not Bonaparte himself, Mr Bonaparte.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I guess essentially. So I mean, don't get me wrong, don't be rude about it, but I guess you could try and uh on on maybe a few things that you didn't know of of napoleon. Maybe kind of ask him you can, maybe maybe the audience can fact check later, um, which they almost certainly would I mean, our audience is exceedingly clever.
Speaker 1:I know that, for if they're listening to words they are a cut above. For the rest, they're probably oxford, uh, harvard graduates. They're probably sat there right now with their cigars and their ancient books thinking what?
Speaker 2:I have a really smug laugh indeed, christmas crampers.
Speaker 1:So yeah, they probably would do and look, we'll get this covered, and I guess between us and the listeners at home who are super pompous and super clever, we can figure out if this guy is or is not mr bone part today.
Speaker 2:Yeah, uh, yeah, that's fair. I'll let him take over and I guess you you can ask him a couple of questions, see how things go. I mean, feel it out.
Speaker 1:He's a bit of a bit of a nutcase, but good luck and these guys in the corner, uh, with the instruments and they're kind of like the striped shirts on they're wearing like garlic things and those kind of like.
Speaker 2:Actually funny, you brought that up um, yeah, so he believes okay, on top of this, yeah that he is now attending a banquet to celebrate his I mean his achievements over the last couple of years. So he figured he needed somebody to interview him, and who else than the esteemed James?
Speaker 1:from Three Word Store. Well, that's good. I'm glad we cleared that up, because I've not spoken to these guys once we keep making eye contact the whole time we're doing this.
Speaker 2:The guy with the tuba really seems to. He seems to have it out for me, right, it's?
Speaker 1:really glaring. I can just see his moustache just draping over the mouthpiece of the tuba. It's almost kind of sexual and I don't like it, I'm afraid, because the podcast you do is also a bedroom, so. I guess the band can kick on in, right, very nice guys. All right, see you, dylan, see you.
Speaker 3:Cheers.
Speaker 1:Go on there. Sorry, you're probably not used to these. Mr Bonaparte, these are headphones, okay, mr Bonjour?
Speaker 2:Yes, mr Napoleon Bonaparte as I live and breathe. How are you today, sir? I am absolutely magnifique. How are you doing today, James? I am fantastic.
Speaker 1:You have a lot of good vibes to you, Mr Bonaparte. I'm feeling the smile. I wish we were recording this, because the smile beaming on your face is truly magnifique, as you would say.
Speaker 2:You know what? As I actually popped into this generation, I was watching Pink Panther last night from Steve Martin. What an absolutely hilarious character. Good one, good one on the show.
Speaker 1:And out of five bonapartes, what would you give him?
Speaker 2:Obviously not my Bonaparte, but I would give him a solid four. Four better than the. This might be controversial, but I'm going to say it nonetheless. It is better than the previous Pink Panther, Ooh okay, that is a With Peter Sellers.
Speaker 1:Okay, well, that is. Look, when Dylan comes back, you guys can. Is a bitter cellars. Okay, well, that is I. Look I. When Dylan comes back, you guys can have a big debate about that Cause I know that is something that he would really think Right. All right, mr Bonaparte, let me think of some questions for you. What can we, what can we ask the Mr Bonaparte himself? I know you've been painted All right.
Speaker 1:Some might say a tyrant, some might say a genius of his time, but a man, potentially with a height complex. Which of those do you identify with most Tyrant, genius or short?
Speaker 2:ass, I would say D. I would say, I am a tyrant a genius ass right I just uh, I just want to take a moment to to cheers uh and make a thirst toast to you okay, very nice with slivona part.
Speaker 1:Very nice for making a toast. That was making a toast. Okay, right. So to being a tyrant genius and, uh, and having, maybe, a high complex. I hear word on the street is around these parts that you wrote a romance novel, right, uh, and allegedly once banned women from attending certain meetings. A bit fruity there, mr bonaparte. What was going on there? And why?
Speaker 2:interestingly enough, and you can read this because apparently we need fact checkers ready all the time, but at one stage and this contradicts it actually now that I think about it. But I once had to permit Women in Paris could not wear pants or trousers without a permit.
Speaker 1:All right, but anyway, to get back to your question, so they had to have a permit to wear them, otherwise their vag was out no dresses or yes, the ladies of the night were quite prominent so just lady guards everywhere they were really ready for it anytime.
Speaker 2:But no, to get back to the question, being a romance novel, you know what I would like to toast to life and romance Toast ching, ching. Yeah, so no it was me as a teen. I had my heart broken and this really got me into the depths of my own heart and what else there could be for me. So I wrote this novel and you know what Did it land? No, it did not, but it is all right. It is not for everyone.
Speaker 1:Okay, and was the novel pre or post you going to war Actually?
Speaker 2:it was pre post and during, because you know what, I could not stop writing these novels. I actually wrote 26 of them.
Speaker 1:Oh, wow, okay, and did any of them land? Or was it just you reading them?
Speaker 2:No, it seems On top of my letters to my lovely Josephine, my wife, which I probably shouldn't have wrote it. It is kind of like a drunk text. My lovely Josephine, my wife, um, these, um, I, I, which I probably shouldn't have wrote it. It is kind of like a drunk text like day after, but this is like yeah, yeah, um, so, no, um, not any of them really landed, no, but it was a passion of mine, and who, who is anyone else to put me down of my passion?
Speaker 1:That's true, anyone in the band? No, no, they've got nothing to say for themselves, they're just playing.
Speaker 2:The guy with the two-bar. Who are you?
Speaker 1:Well, I've just got a message from Dylan, the guy that you've arranged all this with. Good guy, good guy, fun guy, he is a fun guy, he is a fun guy.
Speaker 2:We call him a mushroom around these parts. I wanted to make a great man's speaker. The French do not really laugh like that. They don't laugh at all.
Speaker 1:Mishable fuckers Anyway. So Dylan texts me this, saying people often say you conquered much To conquering.
Speaker 2:I just want to say to conquer you know what to the world who is your oyster.
Speaker 1:So I figured that he texts me this just so he could. So it feels a bit contrived, but we'll see what you have to say about this. Anyway, you conquered, but also lost. We'll see what you have to say about this. Anyway, you conquered the planet, but also lost. How do you define gain in your own words? How do you define gain in your own words? This is from Dylan himself the little shit.
Speaker 2:What a terrible question. How do I define gain in my own words? Well, I cannot define them in anybody else's words because my word is law, where I am from, so no gain is. This might sound a bit dark, but yeah, gain was to conquer, conquer, conquer life, conquer love, conquer land. Oh wow, that was magnifique.
Speaker 1:Oh wait, wait, the band is revved up for this. You might not tell, but they have no, just turn it up slightly. They are feeling nationalistic. Now, final thing before you go, napoleon, I'm sure you've got many battles to fight. Stand up for your motherland, for the modern listeners at home, for those who are not necessarily fluent in your work. What do you want modern listeners to remember you for? Uh, and I'm not just thinking the hat, the height or judging by this portrait you a terrible posture which what would you like them to remember?
Speaker 2:you know what I would like to clear up. Something about my height is um, this was purely propaganda from the English side. I am actually 5'7".
Speaker 1:A whole 5'7".
Speaker 2:Dylan Dylan.
Speaker 1:Did you hear that Dylan 5'7's good Dylan 5'7. Yeah, it is, yeah, but that is great to hear, napoleon, that 5's. Honestly, you and D-Bag are two peas in a pod, beautiful.
Speaker 2:We are one of the same and uh yes, so it was from the english that that kind of misconstrued. I was actually a wee bit taller, um then a bit taller, a wee bit taller, um, but it's funny. And on that note, napoleon, that is funny. Hold on. What was the last question?
Speaker 1:for the modern listeners at home to the modern listeners that was a joke.
Speaker 2:I only make toast to real, real achievements and things in my life. What was the question, sorry? What would you like?
Speaker 1:modern listeners at home to remember you, napoleon Bonaparte the great how would you like to be remembered?
Speaker 2:I want to touch on a few things before I let you go. So one is height I was taller. Two, I could have arrived or I could have attacked earlier during the Battle of Waterloo yes, I admit that. And then, ooh, exile right, this was a big one. I escaped my first exile, going back to Paris, and becoming emperor again?
Speaker 1:Is this when you were replaced by chocolate confectionary?
Speaker 2:You were replaced by the Bourbons right? This sounds right you were replaced.
Speaker 1:So how do you feel that you were replaced by chocolate confectionary?
Speaker 2:Well, I just want to highlight the fact that I could escape exile. Ah no other man that I knew up until that point could do that, except Captain Jack Sparrow.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you are, and I know you and you, the two of you and Dylan together would make a great drinking quartet Quartet, so that three of you could make a quartet drinking a quartet Quartet, so that three of you could make a quartet.
Speaker 2:Quartet. Okay, no, just to kind of highlight that I love life and I am sorry to. I am sorry to have laid to have passed so slowly, as they would say. I think I had a little more firepower and I think I could have left on a better note.
Speaker 1:Well, mr Bonaparte, that was a true enlightening experience, from all the way back to whenever the fuck you were alive, to today, 2025,. I feel like we've crossed a few bridges. We've shaken hands from all the way back to whenever the fuck you were alive, to today 2025,.
Speaker 2:I feel like we've crossed a few bridges. We've shaken hands and we've said let's move on together.
Speaker 1:What a lovely message, james.
Speaker 2:We, we, we we we're toast to that.
Speaker 3:We're toast to that. Cheers Chin chin.
Speaker 1:Stroking off. Well thanks, dylan coming back in. Okay Right, ching ching stroganoff. Well thanks, dylan coming back in. Okay, right, and the bands just squeezing by. Thanks, yeah, thanks, guys, thanks, yep, nice thanks. Well, dylan, that was. That was truly a blast in the past. What a guest. I think I might be your best guest so far. What an absolute freaking grab that was. Um from.
Speaker 2:Is that supposed to be a compliment, or was my previous guest?
Speaker 1:just so you've managed to get a time traveler. You've got like. Napoleon is a. That's a big catch man. It's a big catch. You managed to score that for the podcast. I gotta say well done so. Uh, a big double.
Speaker 2:Kill anna now it's probably the time to say it's actually just this random guy picked up from the streets I thought it was hobo jack I fucking random guy picked up from the streets listen, he's got a got a fantastic mustache and, yeah, I think he does a pretty good french accent. So I figured why not bring him on?
Speaker 3:we were right, drop it down low.
Speaker 1:Three word story dylan, yeah, tell me, james, so it is incredible the synergy that me and you share. It is magnificent, it is truly. There is usually some kind synergy mirroring between our stories. Right, my guest today is no, it's not really I'm joking I'm joking no, um, I have gone.
Speaker 1:We're getting continental europe, okay, and we are back in 1662, okay, so we are not too far apart, location wise and time wise, okay, and I've got a story for you. It's been a while since we've gone back to a story. I'm usually testing you or creating some silly game, or is it prototype or not? Or you know some of the fan favorites I'm bashing out, but actually I've gone back to a story. I've been a researcher, a historian once more I like this, I like, I like the.
Speaker 2:I could tell a good story, okay, well.
Speaker 1:I mean, I've done all. I've had to go back to then and, as before, he's bare faced fact. And that's what I have for you today. Okay, and so I'm taking you to Nuremberg, germany 1662. Okay, you're with me. We have Paulus Imhoff. Okay, let me set your mood Right, guys. Guys in the corner, do you know any kind of like German-ish kind of music? But not too German, not, thanks, not too German. We don't want like umpire, we don't want it to be a bit stereotypical, we just want it kind of in the background. We want to set the scene a little bit. Can you put something together for us? Okay, cheers, guys, thanks, thanks, right. So, um, sorry, they're just tuning. They're just tuning their instruments. Uh, that makes sense, cause they've just done French. You're gonna have to do German now.
Speaker 1:So it sounds pretty sounds a bit American little bit might be a little bit better wait for it.
Speaker 2:Why do you know the song?
Speaker 1:yeah, yeah, no, it's great, it's a great one, this, right, okay, thanks guys. Right, so we are painting the scene.
Speaker 2:We're in nuremberg 1662 oh no, now I know exactly where I am exactly.
Speaker 1:You close your eyes and you can see it. You can smell it. It smells like shit, but you're there. We have polis Imhoff okay, head of the council, so let's call him de facto mayor. Okay, at the time, this was post-Roman capture. 30 years' war has passed and now we have Paulus Imhoff, leading With him Jakob von Sandrath okay, he was a German engraver. Okay, he. He had just founded, in the same time, in 1662, the academy of fine arts in nuremberg, which is still going today, okay. Okay, now, another truly life-changing invention let's say invention, let's say evolution of an invention Happened in this city. At the same time, the Fine Arts Centre was founded. 1662 was the first time the humble pencil was mass-produced. Before, it was an expensive luxury, not for the masses. But in Nuremberg, in 1662, they launched to the world the mass-produced pencil. And so begins our journey of Paulus and Jakob. Okay.
Speaker 2:Oh, this is fun.
Speaker 4:Hiya Paulus, how are you today?
Speaker 1:Right, sorry, let's not mess around.
Speaker 2:Oh you shouldn't have said that.
Speaker 1:Now I'm like Okay right, there's no messing around. There's no messing around, so we could. I'm Paulus today. My name is Paulus. Okay, hi, paulus, and my friend here is.
Speaker 4:Jakob. Okay, my name is Jakob. Okay, it's going to be quite some hard work to try and remember these voices, but I am Jakob and I am Paulus.
Speaker 1:Okay, so I am Paulus, the head of the council, the Factor Mayor, and my name is Jakob. Okay, so, dylan, now you're introduced to Paolo and Jakob, a very in the moment voice that I've done and I have now instantly regretted. So we're going to take you to the council meeting between Paolo and Jakob and where we start to use the use of the pencils and the etchings. Okay, where we start to use the use of the pencils and the etchings, jakob, can I just say I am such a child.
Speaker 2:Can I just apologize to everyone and to you. Where the fuck are you going to edit this? I don't know, but me trying to keep a straight face, yeah.
Speaker 1:Which is for the people of Nuremberg, Dylan. They are dismayed because they want their history told, okay. So can we take this please seriously? Okay, Can we take this seriously? Want it for all? Yes, Okay.
Speaker 4:Hi Sopalus, how are you today, Hello?
Speaker 1:Jakob, it's great to see you. Hi. I'm just so happy that these mass-produced pencils, we have managed to give them to everyone in our humble city, nuremberg, so everyone now will be able to humbly write in our alphabet, which has way too many letters when we spell stupid words.
Speaker 4:Yes, I guess we do, Paulus. We do have a lot of silly words in German, don't we?
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, we do. Jakob Now I'm thinking Jakob now the Romans have fled our land. Maybe we can rule in a different way, maybe we can take the humble pencil for the mass market and we can connect with our civilization like no one has ever before.
Speaker 4:Oh, yes, that sounds great, and maybe I can do my etchings. And if you don't know what etchings are, they are basically little drawings that you just scratch into things. So with, let's say, little notes that your people make and my etchings we can build together.
Speaker 1:Yes, jakob, that sounds like a great idea, right? So this is what I'm thinking. We supply the masses with little bits of paper, but because we are not a rich nation just as of yet, what we do is we give them a single gram of paper. Okay, and what we do? We will use your etchings and we will give them out to the civilization with a short, sharp message. Then, with the single gram of paper and the pencil, they will be able to leave us a small little comment instantly. We will get feedback, would you say. That makes sense. Yes, that sounds great. So, with a simple gram of paper and an instant feedback, we will call the system Instagrams.
Speaker 4:How does that sound? Yes, what a great name. I'm sure it will catch on and will be a thing Right?
Speaker 1:Jakob, for the first time, what we will do. I simply want an etching of a cat, simple, and I will go out to the people and I will tell them that all is good. Look at the picture of this cat. What a lovely thing to say.
Speaker 4:Okay, jakob, I'll get etching that and we will put it to the people. So.
Speaker 1:Dylan, this was the first founding of the simple message to the masses, a simple picture, as you will. You could say the first meme of its time. And Jakob and Paulus are going to put out to the world their first message. Okay, are you with me?
Speaker 3:I'm with you thank fuck for that, because I don't know if I'm with myself, my people.
Speaker 1:I want to tell you that, for the world, I want you to look at this picture of a cat. I don't want you to be dismayed. I want us to live like this cat. Everyone should be more cat. Everyone look at the cat and be happy. Capisce, capisce.
Speaker 2:That's very German.
Speaker 1:Jakob, I think that went extremely well. We have all of these grams in this box right here. That gives us instant feedback of what people think of this wonderful picture of a kitten that you have put together.
Speaker 4:Oh, I cannot wait to hear about all these comments about my lovely picture of a cat.
Speaker 1:Okay, well, let me look through these. Okay, so we have okay, I love cats, yes, normal, Ooh, kittens. It's so cute, I love kittens. Ah, it's another one. Ah, I can't wait to show my mother, my mother, my father these pictures of this cat. It's so good, See. See, Jakob, we are bringing civilization together. We will unite people together.
Speaker 4:I cannot wait to do so. You're such a good guy.
Speaker 1:Let me look through some here. Why not draw a dog in Stein? What's wrong with the kitten? I hate cats. This is not very good, look at all. Why not draw more dogs? You fascist pig? That's not very nice at all. Well, jakobub, maybe this time we should draw a picture of a dog and give it out to the people oh yes, a dog, paulus.
Speaker 4:I can draw a dog and we can see how people think. Some people want cats.
Speaker 1:Let's give them dogs so, dylan, we have the first instance in human history of a comment section, okay, and we see it falling apart instantly. Okay, how? What are you feeling so far of this take of 1662 and the world that will be? How real do you think this?
Speaker 2:is I'm, I'm enthralled, and this is, uh, this could not be more true the fact that, yeah, instagram took 400 years to 350 odd years to to actually get to where it is today. So evolution evolution.
Speaker 1:Indeed, dylan. So we're going to go back to paulus and jacob. They've just done the drawing and they put it out to the masses of the doggenstein of the doggenstein and we're going to go back and we're going to see how that plays out for them sitting at the edge of my seat.
Speaker 2:I can promise you that fuck you.
Speaker 1:Jakob, I do not know what is going on. The picture of the dog has just caused us more issues. Look at the comments like this fuck you, I hate your dog and I fucking want to fuck your face. Like who even says this? I prefer the cat. Dogs are for pussies. It does not even make sense that, like it literally, a cat is a pussy and a dog is not. I just do not make sense.
Speaker 4:Yes, all I wanted to do is draw a nice, lovely, fluffy picture of a dog and a cat and look at people fighting one another.
Speaker 1:It makes no sense well, what should we do now? Jakob, I am at a loss. We try and give people one thing that they want. They try and give other people what they want and it ends in chaos, pandemonium. I do not know what these people think in these comments boxes. Why don't we go out and speak to the people?
Speaker 4:Ha yes, let's go speak to the people of Nuremberg, alles klar.
Speaker 1:Is this good? That's good, that's good. So yes, young lady, you over there, please enlighten me. I am trying to rule the new Nuremberg and giving people what they want. Sometimes People want cats, some people want dogs. So what do people want? I'm just a German lady in Nuremberg. The thing is, people are still worried about the plague. You know, no one actually gives really two shizons about a cat or a dog. You know, you put these pictures out there and you get all these comments about the cartons and the dogons and people are dying from plaguing. People are dying from plaguing, and that's what people are truly worried about. You know, jakob, I think I might be onto something here. I don't think that we should just simply be putting individual snippets without thought out there and relying on comments just of what people have to say about certain things. I think we should go and speak to the people, the real people of the world, not just what is in this stupid little comment box right here, wouldn't you say?
Speaker 4:I agree, and actually, as I'm looking at the comment box right now, I see Klaus over there just shoving 10 and 20 different of the same comments in over and over again. I don't actually see any normal people pushing themselves in this comment box right now, it's just Klaus. And I know Klaus just sits in his mother's basement all day fingering his Banschensteisen, you know. So I don't think it's a very good way to do things at all.
Speaker 1:Ta Yasin Jakob, whatever the fuck your name is, you in South Africa mate, eyes, eyes. Formally agreed. All of me, africa mate. I firmly agree.
Speaker 2:All of me agrees.
Speaker 1:I think we can. Maybe we can do something a little bit more detailed for our population. They were worried about the plague. Why don't we not give them a solution?
Speaker 4:Yes, it is such a great idea. What are you thinking?
Speaker 1:Well, maybe we can take a female sheepskin and write out detailed factual instructions on them. We can take a sheepskin and we can put them in some cylindrical vessel, you know. So we can take all the female sheep out there, all the ewes, and we can put them in these tubes and we can have instructions of a detailed way to detail with the plague. What do you say, jakob? Yes, we could call it a YouTube. Yes, jakob, we can call it a YouTube.
Speaker 4:That one really cool, that one really cool.
Speaker 3:It was so shit. It was so shit, oh fuck.
Speaker 1:Like it was really pointless, Like it was a fuck me oh wow. Oh well, Dylan, I don't really know what that was.
Speaker 2:I don't know what my point was I actually enjoyed the story, but then that was the climax of the story, and then when you started laughing, I was like, oh okay, well, that one caught you but, then I was waiting for the follow-up after that and I was like no, we will call it Z.
Speaker 1:YouTube what I'm trying to say, I think, is is go YouTube go watch us on YouTube with the three word story live we will be recording more often after this and we will be on YouTube and I've got some great ideas of what we're going to do. I'm thinking we're going to do some a poker tournament in our characters live on youtube one day. I had that idea yesterday, so it all plays into it, dylan, it all plays into it, and you were sober while having this oh god, no, I was absolutely off my tits on heroin at the time.
Speaker 1:But you know that is when the best ideas, when you're riding that horse.
Speaker 4:And and.
Speaker 1:What should we cover next? On Three Word Story when are we going in the world? Where are we finding our three words? On the wonderful map service, what Three Words? Good question.
Speaker 2:James, back to you, okay. Well, that is a phenomenal thing to say no, if.
Speaker 1:If I had to guess, let's go with where you would find your made-up mythical creature okay, so we're going to go made up mythical creature and when I ask you what the fuck your made up mythical creature is, do not hit me with a no.
Speaker 2:Okay, that's fair.
Speaker 1:Right, it's going to be in my hometown, in next door to where I live, and no, you don't fucking get to know where it is.
Speaker 3:Okay, so we're going to come back. It's a crab.
Speaker 1:That's not very fucking mythical. We're two heads.
Speaker 3:Whoa Next week on Three Word Story. Kabam Drop a download With Three Word Story.
