16. 2 For 1 Beans & The Christmas Krumpus

Welcome to "Three Word Story," where each episode spins a tale from the unexpected. Join hosts James Royle and Dylan Jacobs as they unravel narratives sparked by three random words from the innovative app what3words. From "Forking.Seaside.Delving" to "Breakfast.Deed.Saxaphone" every episode promises whimsy, mystery, and creativity in just three words. Tune in for improvised adventures that blend imagination with spontaneity, proving that a world of stories can unfold from the most unlikely places. Ready to embark on a journey of words? Let's weave some magic together.

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Chapters

• 13:00 1st Story
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Transcript

00;00;00;00 - 00;00;20;17
Unknown
Welcome to three word story. I'm James. I'm Dylan, and this is the podcast where we take three words from the app. What three words and improve the shit out of a story. Today on three word story. Nailed it. Four did you need some trinkets for all time today? I think we should just wait with daddy. Yeah, but. But they.

00;00;20;23 - 00;00;56;10
Unknown
They baked beans, and they're also in in some sauce. It's not. It's not just dried beans. No. Last is like a pumpkin. So let's say it's. Hi, Dylan. How are you? I'm still German. Half demon. Heart of God, man. Krampus. Okay, now I'm less scared. Mary fucking Christmas. Dylan on the 14th of January. Yes, a happy new year.

00;00;56;13 - 00;01;17;20
Unknown
Woohoo! Thank you very, very much. And, Yeah, merry Christmas to you. Happy New Year. And it's the 17th of January. Oh, shit. You clearly can tell it. I don't leave the house very much. Is it really? Yeah. I would have put. I would put good money. I'm checking. I'm checking this glass, this 17. It's literally in the third week of January.

00;01;17;20 - 00;01;34;19
Unknown
Lost three days. That happened. So I've got a big bump on my head. I just woke up and just covered in my own piss and shit. I'm ready to do a podcast. So speaking of piss and shit, how are you, Dylan? Oh, here we go. It's it's good that you kind of link me speaking. You said the company.

00;01;34;19 - 00;02;01;07
Unknown
No, it was. No, it was an, What was the question? How are you, Dylan? What did you do for Christmas? I know it's was nearly three weeks. No. What's three over three weeks ago? Yeah, yeah. What did you do and why and why? Well, yeah. We celebrated Christmas with a family in the north western part of the, of the country, South Africa.

00;02;01;09 - 00;02;20;15
Unknown
And it was in the province of North West. Oh, what a peculiarly structured sentence. You can tell you haven't been speaking that much English since you come back, because, you know, he was like given in syllable soundbites. How was your how was your Christmas wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year. Sorry, I didn't want to interrupt the outfit that was for you.

00;02;20;16 - 00;02;40;07
Unknown
That would be popping up numerous amounts of time, I'm sure. That's fine. How would you get up to. Yeah, it was. It was a good day. We went through to. And actually, I think we drove through to the camping site on Christmas Day, just to spend it with, my aunt and then my grandmother and cousins.

00;02;40;09 - 00;02;55;09
Unknown
Okay. Yeah. It was, and I assume they have a home. See, you camped or they met you at the campsite because it sounds like you went to camp. As if these parts of the family may be, either animals or they just live that out. That will actually, when they just. I live out in the wilderness and,

00;02;55;13 - 00;03;17;24
Unknown
Yeah, my my grandmother is pretty, pretty badass. Yeah. She is. She came in like a meeting. Yeah, yeah. Slaving motorbike, I don't know, like Ghost Rider, but. Oh, no, no, no, actually, just in a in a nice 4x4 truck. Okay. Like old defenders. Oh, nice. Okay. So she comes in and she was like the khakis. And then she goes hunting every now and again.

00;03;18;09 - 00;03;40;10
Unknown
Which is quite dangerous considering she can't see that. Well, so let's say something dies. Yes. Whatever dies, she cooks it, eats it. Like, This is my neighbor, Reginald. He was a good man, but he got in the way. He was. So what does she hunt? What does she know? That's actually a bullshit story. Nice.

00;03;44;13 - 00;04;09;28
Unknown
Oh. That's it. I should have went on that one. You know. Right. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, they look, you know, it's kind of funny and and I'll mention this and, I won't, kind of go too deep into it, but what I normally do is, people would ask about someone, a particular person, and then be like, oh, no, they they're in, like, kind of in prison.

00;04;10;01 - 00;04;34;25
Unknown
And then like, I'm sorry to. And then I'm like, no, it's just the joke they did. Yeah. And I killed them. Yeah. Okay. So I mean, so does it. Why does your grandson or what? What would not. Oh, she actually doesn't. Just when she's not. Not, But she's still living. She's still breathing. She really can't see that.

00;04;34;25 - 00;04;56;10
Unknown
Well, that was, that was the truth of that whole story. And. No, we just went camping for a couple of days starting on Christmas Day. And that's where we kind of, did our, festivities. She started selling ferrets. And so that is all. You collapse, and you hunted down by accident and junior year. Dylan, how did you see 2025?

00;04;56;10 - 00;05;15;00
Unknown
In, through. I don't know what the hell what that question was. How could you? Yeah. Like, what? Did you know? How did you see it through? And you see, like, it'll be in the countdown. I she says you do a countdown, you go in, turn on everything. Five, four, three, two, one. Happy new year old landline comes on.

00;05;15;01 - 00;05;36;09
Unknown
Right. So see that's through. I was I had the bow and arrow in hand. She saw an ostrich. Now I wasn't I wasn't seeing too well at that particular point because, I, we started a bit early on like, the previous day. And by 12 I was a bit loopy, so no, I, so I was the wrong 12.

00;05;36;16 - 00;05;56;05
Unknown
The wrong the 12. No, the right. No, I didn't see the 12. I was just extremely nauseous. I think actually just after that I might have gone to, to the men's room to, to go check up happy new me. Yeah. What's on my mind I know. Yeah, yeah, that was, that was on my side. But then show up on a night out.

00;05;56;06 - 00;06;19;06
Unknown
No no no I, I now what do we did we, we played the game Kings. And apparently you guys in the UK call it something else, but it's basically where you take the drink of somebody else and then you pour it into the center cup while drawing like call. It was the we call it Ring of Fire. So we will have like one card you put the drink in, but then all the other cards have different rules, right.

00;06;19;06 - 00;06;34;25
Unknown
Do you have. Yeah. Well I mean we have four different cards which you kind of put the deck of cards. Are you playing with. No. Well I mean a normal deck of cards, but there's like four kings in a deck of cards, so. But what do you do for the other ones? We've got different rules. I'm not going to explain each and every.

00;06;34;26 - 00;06;55;01
Unknown
Why not? I want to know what the South African rules are compared to our rules. One. I don't know. It's not right. I would get a mate. Right. Okay. I think we're on the same wavelength tonight. Two is a date, and that is a fucking Ryan. You just went from eight to mate, 2 to 2 and date, and they take you under.

00;06;55;04 - 00;07;21;17
Unknown
Do your rules, then rhyme in the Africans word. So I'll run you through all right. Two is you. Yeah. So you drink because that rhymes with two. Yes, three. Get this for me. Me. Hahaha. Right, right. Four is for straight. Yes. Okay okay then. Yes. We we work according to those rules, but they've made it a bit easier for us now is I actually have printed cards with the rules on the South African market.

00;07;21;17 - 00;07;45;17
Unknown
So fucking stupid that we can't remember what it is. Yeah, I know, that is why it's the year I had to. So you, my mate, has to drink now. Oh, Derek, you need to drink. It's full. Full of. I'm dedicating. We should just wait with Derek for Derek. You need to drink. It's full of. I'm sure. Derek, I think we should just wait with Derek.

00;07;45;19 - 00;08;08;17
Unknown
Derek the female? Yeah. What a show. That Derek the female. Hello. What's he grabbing by us for? So you have specific. Yes. No. So there was a couple. Yeah. So a couple of rule changes. But anyway, it's it's the same game we just confirmed. It's just. I can't remember shit. And I also can't speak English this particular.

00;08;08;17 - 00;08;35;26
Unknown
Do you have specific cards? Yes. But I, it was a good amount of brandy mixed with some dry red wine. And I think that kind of that got me, yeah, that got me. And that's why just after 12, I wasn't feeling too great. But by 4:00 that morning, I was buzzing. Okay. Yes, I know I kept on, I think I think the, I think we went to bed at probably around five ish of us.

00;08;35;26 - 00;08;59;14
Unknown
Foolish. So, no, I don't remember. Yeah. So that was good. How about yours, James? Well, me, Dylan, my Christmas and New Year's was delicious and delightful. With friends, we stayed. We didn't travel, but we stayed. And Christmas. So it was, you know, Dubai expats. It's basically a ragtag group of people. Some partners travel. So it was just like some people we knew, some people we didn't know.

00;08;59;14 - 00;09;19;09
Unknown
And it was nice. The one of the things that stood out for me, was that's going to sound weird with a child, but this child, he was it could have gone anyway, but it could have. Yeah, it could have this. Now, this child was, portrayed to me as he could be a little bit dramatic, a little bit troublesome.

00;09;19;10 - 00;09;37;25
Unknown
Oh, right. Okay. Basically what that translates to live a prick. Okay. Now, it doesn't matter what age you are, if you're a prick, I'm going to shut you down and I, I'm going to take the high road. I'm going to make you look silly. Okay. So this kid. That's fair. So, by the way, we had a quiz like that.

00;09;37;28 - 00;09;55;09
Unknown
Question quiz. I completely smashed it. I took everyone down. It was not. It was barely a competition. Everyone got bored early on because I was so far ahead. And the little kids, like, you know, he got a few questions, right? The pure fucking luck. Fuck this guy, right? And he's like, fuck this line. You're like, you. You think you're so good at this.

00;09;55;19 - 00;10;13;29
Unknown
You bet you won't get this question. How old am I right now? I don't get kids ages. I like a kid. Could be. Yeah, that's good on you. Good on me. Right? Yeah. I'm like, let me pick you up. When you buy anything, you say you're four years old. No, I'd like you. I don't know if ten is, like, this big.

00;10;13;29 - 00;10;36;01
Unknown
This big I don't yet. Sure. Right. So I just constantly out the back. Your nine. And his little fucking face dropped. It's like I crushed his Christmas. And his mum laughed because she knew I got it right. Yeah, he was speechless and I was like, merry fucking Christmas, dickhead. Maybe nine years old and I don't give a shit.

00;10;36;07 - 00;10;53;24
Unknown
And that was the only like that was I just, I it was a it was a tremendous time. We had games. We went to the early hours of the morning. It was a lot of alcohol. It was great. It was fantastic. But that was a highlight. And, you know, I felt like hopefully I've pushed that kid on the right trajectory like he he's, he thinks he's going to show.

00;10;53;26 - 00;11;14;15
Unknown
And he's then came up to the James Meister and he got put in his fucking place. So James. So that was that was Christmas, New Year's. It was actually out on that balcony. It was very nice. I Pictionary we Pictionary hard for the whole evening. That was good. This. I could picture you guys being, like, proper Pictionary.

00;11;14;16 - 00;11;33;02
Unknown
You could pick like that. Could you draw it? And then do you think I could get. Yes, you could, I could, yeah. And then I could go. That's me and Ali playing fucking Pictionary with. I'm an avid Pictionary ist myself. Okay. Yeah. Next. Next, idea for the podcast. How to do Pictionary. The worst thing ever for a podcast.

00;11;33;02 - 00;11;50;20
Unknown
Because that should be fun. Yeah, I thought it would be like, line, line. Another line. Squiggle. Squiggle pen. No, that's what's in your hand. Shit. Red pen. Oh, this shit is pen. It's a pen. No, it's a brown pen. So we did. That's the early hours in the morning, and then we got till. I mean, it was probably like 2 or 3 in the morning.

00;11;50;23 - 00;12;13;10
Unknown
And the majority of the party was like, fuck it, let's go. Monopoly. Right. Which is that? Yeah. Bold choice. I know it's a bold choice, but we've seen in 2025, let's be jovial, let's be happy. Let's be full of joy and wonderment for 2025. We started the game. We got one way around the board and Ali went, no, no, no.

00;12;13;15 - 00;12;32;11
Unknown
She shut it down. It was like the police coming in like, like a 16 year old study because, I mean, did somebody land somewhere and wanted to buy something? And it was maybe the property she wanted, and then it was like, nope, I'm done. I think I just think what it was like. She saw the time it took to even get it.

00;12;32;11 - 00;12;48;26
Unknown
And obviously the first rule is you go around the board once and you don't collect any yet. Yeah. So I think it was how long that took and then the time and then the alcohol amount and then no fuck off. And it was just like it was like, you know, you had a record player and it's just playing.

00;12;48;26 - 00;13;06;20
Unknown
And then someone just lifts the needle. Nick is it was not that quick. Shut the fuck up. Everyone out. And then before you know, it was the next day. But other than that it was fine. It fantastic. It was probably the right choice. Would probably still be playing monopoly now. Yes. Otherwise. So well, Merry Christmas and a happy New Year.

00;13;06;22 - 00;13;29;23
Unknown
We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year. Thank you. Drop it down low a three word story. Isn't that just lovely? Thank you. Kevin. We last time. And this was what you. This is what you specifically wanted. You wanted to find a place I know, and I remember. Look, we could put this back. We could play this back.

00;13;30;00 - 00;13;54;21
Unknown
You wanted to find somewhere. I mean, all right, but. Okay. What I wanted was somewhere where. If Santa for the Christmas sing. Nick. Santa Claus, whatever you want to call him. If he had to relocate, where would you put him? So with you, you wanted to find somewhere where you could molest Noel? I that I didn't say that could play it back.

00;13;54;24 - 00;14;21;17
Unknown
But we can play it back. We should play it back. So I've selected a place where I would relocate for the Christmas Santa Claus or whatever. And I assume you found a place where you could figure it out. So, Dylan, why would you finger an elf and why not? James I figured, and just to reiterate, it's not to to molest elves, okay at all.

00;14;21;21 - 00;14;51;25
Unknown
Okay, but I figured the best replacement for the Santa Claus village. And thinking about logistics and kind of moving the whole operation. There's a Santa Claus village in Finland already set up. Okay, so it's not that far. Geographically. Geographically, it makes sense. So, just the, Now, are you not bothered that the if people are visiting there anyway, Santa Claus is going to be disturbed and annoyed by people coming in?

00;14;51;25 - 00;15;10;21
Unknown
And you might be right. You might be annoyed, but then it again, who's going to know if it's the real Santa or not? So at least he's kind of hiding in plain sight. He's got a fair amount of Santa's decoys. You ready? Yeah. Said, but okay. Do the people know that he is Santa Claus? No. Okay. So. All right.

00;15;10;21 - 00;15;30;22
Unknown
Oh, that's at least his intent is not for them to know. But this is what I'm thinking. Yeah, right. He's just milling around, you know, he's just going to the shop getting some gingerbread houses or whatever. The gingerbread Christmas tree, whatever you can get. And then what? Mildred did finish manager is assuming she comes out. Yeah. She's operation.

00;15;30;22 - 00;15;50;29
Unknown
She's got a headset on. She comes over the clipboard, she's like, you hear the Santa clears. You're mean to be working near what you doing? And she grabs him by the arm and pulls him over and sits him on a chair. Yes. Okay. And then. And then what do we do? This Santa Claus? He's like, fuck, I need to be making presents and fingering elves and stuff, and now I can't.

00;15;51;03 - 00;16;10;15
Unknown
What do you what do you do in that situation? Well, that's the thing you can tell. Tell Mildred to fuck off because he is for the Christmas he is Santa Claus. He is the class. Nick laughs in the class. Yeah, but then the issue is she's like, Holy shit, you are the Santa Claus. Well, then I guess he'd be like, well, listen, I'm sure we can find a new position.

00;16;10;15 - 00;16;35;00
Unknown
He just plainly bribes her, being like, listen, if you keep making him out like a weird kind of Hollywood producer all of a sudden, this is weekend baby driver. Let me finish the sentence. We're not going to bribe him with some some some something on an island somewhere. No, no, no, it was it was plainly just saying, look, if you want to move up in the world, I mean, let's not, let's let's not, let's not let's kind of let you stick.

00;16;35;00 - 00;17;04;01
Unknown
Yeah. Making it look. What I wanted to say is we take we take, you know. Good. Yes. And we move you up to the big leagues, which is then the legit operations of, what we know as, father. Well, not for the Christmas. Christmas itself. Yeah. And we just say, okay, okay, come work for me then. And we should be good.

00;17;04;03 - 00;17;22;21
Unknown
Just keep your mouth shut. This literally verbatim. Any Hollywood executive needs you. There's been. Hey, if you want to work up this pole, well, then, you work with me. You know, you get into this suck and above. So. Okay, so you you would think he would just bribe the people so we can then stay kind of. Yeah.

00;17;22;23 - 00;17;48;10
Unknown
Kind of to. Yeah. Yeah. Until he moves away somewhere. Okay. Fair enough to maybe where my place is. So, Well, three words did not wonderful place with you. So Santa Claus village in Finland gave me hay loft to like hayloft like that. That is one word. That's one word. Hayloft. As in, as in, I am a horse and I'm eating like a hayloft.

00;17;48;12 - 00;18;11;18
Unknown
Hayloft? No, it's a it's a loft specifically meant for hay in the barn. So like that, that upper loft. Right. So stall hay we've got I think we've done this before. But what three words. It's a little bit confusing, right. Because. Yeah. Okay. My legs fallen off. I'm frickin in the Grand Canyon somewhere. I phone an ambulance, I'm like, hey, I've got my what, three words, coordinates.

00;18;11;20 - 00;18;35;19
Unknown
And I'm going hayloft, toboggan at can. Yes. And they're going to search hay loft toboggan. That could take him to Vietnam for all we know. Okay. Because they're going to just look at the first three words. So the little bit confusing. But you're saying it's if I'm a horse I eat hay and it's in a loft in Laos and it's not where he is.

00;18;35;21 - 00;18;50;28
Unknown
Well, I'm honestly, I'm not sure. I think I would have liked some research on this because all these things are going through my head right now and I'm thinking, why the fuck would he be in a loft? That just seems like a really inappropriate place to keep him. Well, they obviously storied in the barn because I'm assuming it can't be outside.

00;18;50;28 - 00;19;06;12
Unknown
Why would it not be? Hey, Bob, I know. Hey, Bob. Hey, Bob. Hey, Ma. So why would it? Hey, barn. How you know? But it's hay loft. Yeah. Hayloft. Oh, this is fucking stupid and ridiculous. And it's a it's a loft specifically meant for hay, but that's what it is. But again, it isn't that heavy. Bales of hay.

00;19;06;13 - 00;19;27;09
Unknown
Heavy. Yes. Okay. Well, all right, that's why all the, all the cowboys seem to be the brutal astuteness cowboys in the wall. It's okay. It's a hayloft. Hayloft? Freshen and crumpets. Okay, well, just again, just so we can, we can think of this fresh and then an expression. Freshen is one word. Oh. Thank you.

00;19;27;09 - 00;19;45;25
Unknown
Otherwise we're going to. Oh. And then crumb and not Pitts. And it's crumpets. So it's okay. Hayloft. One word. Yeah. Freshen. One word. Crumpets. Okay, so number two, pets of crumbs. No, no. Yeah. No little teeny tiny pets. By the way, just for the list, because I know the listeners at home will be thinking, what the fuck is a hayloft?

00;19;46;01 - 00;20;01;09
Unknown
How am I meant to go to? How am I meant to go about my day if I don't know what this is? A hayloft is a space above a barn, stable or cowshed, traditionally used for storage of hay or other fodder for the animals below. Oh, so. Okay, so the animals are in a way that makes sense, because if the.

00;20;01;15 - 00;20;23;17
Unknown
And then they'll eat all the fucking hay and you have. Yeah that's right. So the hay goes upstairs, animals are downstairs. And then I guess you just push it down and then they just go, okay, they eat it. Okay. Well that makes sense. It does it actually. Now instead of taking the animals up. Yes. This is my cow that I do, like, keeps writing shit up.

00;20;23;19 - 00;20;48;25
Unknown
So, Dylan. So, So Sandy Cockney. Just. If so what? Dylan usually game all that the fucking father Christmas. So yes. Whereas I'm going to put Santa Claus. Saint Nicholas. Where was I going to put him in the world? Well, I thought maybe snow. And I thought, you know what? This guy's probably pretty fed up. Yeah, about how I.

00;20;48;26 - 00;21;11;16
Unknown
Yeah, I need a how are you? Hahaha hahaha. Yeah, yeah. I'm happy you just I it I was thinking an island, right? So I was thinking yes, I think tonight because an island it needs to be secluded, he needs to be able to do his business and he's, he's probably got a quite big operation now. So he's going to have to have, you know, his camps for his elves and shit like that.

00;21;11;16 - 00;21;31;12
Unknown
So it's thinking island. All right. But I also wanted him to feel like home. So what better island in the world than I know? Yeah. Go on. Iceland, for fuck's sake. Dylan. No. Greenland. No. That's hot, hot topic. So I would I would not even think about going there because this is going to be American, is it not?

00;21;31;15 - 00;21;54;24
Unknown
Christmas Island? No. Really. What's that? Yeah. So Christmas Island, I'll I'll tell you then I'll tell you. Just seeing if it's real on those big. You know, Christmas Island is off the coast of Indonesia. Okay. And it is an actual outer territory of Australia, even though it's closer to Indonesia. But, Australia kind of learned from the best in terms of taking islands that are really fucking far away from you and claim it as your own.

00;21;54;24 - 00;22;16;15
Unknown
So good on those skippers. So Christmas Island, I mean, it has stuff on it. It's got multiple cafes, it's got an international airport. And by that I just mean a runway in a cabin. But it's got roads, but it's mainly jungly. Okay. So it's got inhabitants, it's got cars, but it's got a dense jungle area, very dense jungle area.

00;22;16;17 - 00;22;39;08
Unknown
And that's where I put it. Now, they do actually have, weirdly, a, immigration detention center on Christmas Island, which doesn't sound very festive to me. You know, when I think Christmas Island, I think Christmas trees enjoy it. So we kick them off. We we we put that, we take them somewhere else, put them in Australia, you know, they've got plenty room sticking to the outback.

00;22;39;08 - 00;23;09;12
Unknown
Yeah, whatever. We clear that out. And that's where we put Father Christmas, Santa Claus and all is else. Right. Because this detention center, you probably got loads of slaves slides. So just. And that's how you get castles? Yeah. I mean, no, we could go into whether they're slaves or not. Who knows? I find it odd that this man lives in the back of nowhere, and he has lots of little people working for him.

00;23;09;12 - 00;23;24;29
Unknown
Elves? Yeah, it's for whatever. Right. But. But, but but the good thing is, they're smaller, so you could probably fit more in one. You could choose it up a bit, give it a lick of paint. Six bunk beds in there. Put some TVs on the wall. Whatever you want to do. So I thought this was a particularly good place to go.

00;23;24;29 - 00;23;41;18
Unknown
Now, I was having a little, like, Google Street map. Look around Christmas Island because I like to. I like to look at the places, see what's going on, because it's a very dense forest. Look nice, look tropical. I want to go there until I saw this road sign, Dylan, and I'm going to show you what this road sign is.

00;23;41;28 - 00;24;03;08
Unknown
And have you ever heard of a Robert Crab? No. So that is a Robert crab, right? That is like something from Resident Fucking Evil. And it. Look, if you Google it, that is the size of them. You probably see a picture of one on a bin. It is a size of an entire trash can. They are fucking enormous.

00;24;03;08 - 00;24;31;16
Unknown
So the sign basically says this is ridiculous, horrible. So the road sign says do not run over Robert. Crabs Dune Island with four by fours. So it says do not even buy four by fours because I assume they would just flip your car up or eat it, or turn you into a zombie fucking dinosaur. Isn't it mental like it looks like, the Umbrella Corporation let out some kind of toxins, and then everyone started turning into a fucking robot crab.

00;24;31;16 - 00;24;55;01
Unknown
Isn't that terrifying? That is terrifying. That is actually ridiculous. Yeah. So, I would love to go to Christmas Island, but if it was not for the scariest. Fuck massive abs. I implore anyone to to Google them. The terrifying, the scary. There's a couple of pictures of people holding them. I assume they're psychopaths. All the rubber crab has entered their brains and they are making they're controlling it.

00;24;55;01 - 00;25;13;13
Unknown
That's why I assume anyway, so okay, for me, it's actually quite good thing because I'm going to put a lot of people off going to Christmas Island. Yes. Keep Santa Claus. And we need to educate people of these crabs so that they can stay away from this island. Should they come across this island ever? Yeah. And who knows?

00;25;13;13 - 00;25;31;00
Unknown
Right. It's it's Christmas Island, so I'm sure there's lots of people thinking, oh, shit, maybe Father Christmas might be there. Then they go around Google Maps and think, fuck me, look at these rubber crabs. And also called rubber crabs. I assume that if you're going to run over them, they'll probably carjack you. Take your wallet, take your stuff and roll back and then and then you're done for.

00;25;31;00 - 00;25;56;28
Unknown
Right? So that is my place and why. And they gave me what they gave me the perfect words. This detention center. Oh, yeah. They really did for this festive period. And glass drink and enjoyment. It is festive as in Fest first word and Tiff. The second one is all right. It's really this. It describes Santa Claus perfectly cascading.

00;25;57;01 - 00;26;24;15
Unknown
So he cascades down the chimney. Should you have one adventurer? All right. Because, I mean, he's going around the whole world in 24 hours. That's pretty impressive. And occasions. And it's the his name of the game. God is the the Almighty occasion for the Christians among us. So that is my three words and that's that. And because I'm feeling festive this 17th of January, 2025, tis I mean, you want to go first?

00;26;24;17 - 00;26;44;00
Unknown
I'll let you go first because, because I'm simply because I'm good. Yeah. Why would I go? I, I'm feeling festive, so I'm going my fuck, you know. There we go. That's pretty face, right? Right, kids. Sit down, everyone settle down. Right. Because I'm feeling extra festive this year. Kids, I bought you for school and dad is getting a pinball machine.

00;26;44;00 - 00;27;14;01
Unknown
Yeah, that would be a nice game, so. Okay, fine. Sure. So, first drop down low for three story. We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year. Thank you very much for that. And that book, by the way, is yours festive related. Would you like some some festive festive barrels? I can see, but would you?

00;27;14;13 - 00;27;37;29
Unknown
Let this out. That's all that the ultimate. Right? Okay. If you need any of them, let me know. All right. Well, you know what, James? I'll leave it to you to interrupt the story with some of these these these jingles that would probably have nothing to do with my fucking story, but it's okay. And then she died.

00;27;38;23 - 00;27;46;27
Unknown
No, sir, actually. So I fell over in a bell factory.

00;27;47;20 - 00;28;08;08
Unknown
I shouldn't even find that funny. Right. Sorry, Dylan. Sorry for that, dropping that. No. Three word story. Yeah. Good story. All right, so the story of 2025. Nice. I actually brought in somebody today again. Oh my goodness. I wonder who that guy was actually. Yeah. He's been sitting in the corner wondering why the fuck would you want him less elves.

00;28;08;10 - 00;28;27;13
Unknown
Yeah that's normal people. You know, that is weird. He was sweating it all them. Sorry. I don't even know who it is quite yet. Them. Even though I'm looking at it. Yeah, well, by the way, his name is Hank. Hey, Hank. Hank. No. Anyway, let me let me give Hank a quick intro. So has been through a bit of a rough time, lately.

00;28;27;13 - 00;28;32;07
Unknown
He broke up with his girlfriend very recently.

00;28;32;09 - 00;28;49;25
Unknown
Sorry. Yeah, sorry. I'm sorry. Hank, I was meant to do that was what I was meant. Sorry, sorry. Look, I nice how he just actually wanted to to come on the podcast, tell his story. He has got three words. He just figured, it might just be a form of therapy for him. And I said, you know what?

00;28;49;25 - 00;29;17;23
Unknown
Considering we only have three listeners, but at least it's three sets of is willing to listen, so why not tell his story? And he, Oh, he was willing to tell his story. And Hank. But I'm just going to I mean, I know he can see this, but for the listeners at home, I apologize if you can hear the same repetitive Arab Indian style music, but for some reason, High School Musical is turned up in the park just outside the apartment, which has never happened before.

00;29;17;29 - 00;29;34;25
Unknown
And they're doing a dance lesson which has gone on for some time, and it's never fucking happened before. And we don't do a podcast for ages because calls Christmas and laziness and then they decide to turn up. So, Hank, I'm sorry, I know it's your time if you can hear the music at home, we also apologize. But we're not gonna do anything about it.

00;29;34;25 - 00;29;56;06
Unknown
Yeah, well, I'm not gonna go out and tell children to stop dancing because, that's probably just as weird as telling them to carry on dancing. Anyway, I thank you anyway, Hank. So, actually, I just leave it blank. Hank, please take of it. This is what you call Mike? Yeah.

00;29;56;08 - 00;30;16;12
Unknown
All right, all right, all right. No, no, guys. Just joking. I'm not Matthew McConaughey, but the man. You swear? So. Right? No, I guess I can see you. I can see you, and you do not. Look, he's a handsome man. And you, you do. You do not. Look at you. What's your name? My name's James. Nice to meet you, Hank.

00;30;16;12 - 00;30;33;14
Unknown
James. I'm. I kind of, punchy. Tell it how it is. Kind of guy. I don't know, but. But your voice does sound fantastic, Hank. So Dillon said that you've you've been in some dire straits, and you've got a story to tell. Yeah, it's been, been a rough, rough couple of weeks. I mean, heading into the new year.

00;30;34;18 - 00;31;01;15
Unknown
Yeah, it's not not ideal, but, I mean, again, it life has its ups and downs and you kind of just roll with it, I guess I would say so, yeah. Well, anyway, so, it's about me. My my girl. Well, I mean, you're kind of. Yeah. Yeah. Daisy dies in me, okay. And, Yeah, she, it's basically just a story.

00;31;01;18 - 00;31;27;19
Unknown
Not a story, but it's real Israel. Israel about, But how, I just kind of. Yeah. Let me just tell you my story. My my situation. Fuck. Fuck you go way I you listen, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna lie, James, this is, This is nerve racking. This thing that looks like a like a it's shaped like a dick.

00;31;27;19 - 00;31;43;16
Unknown
It's in front of my mouth, and I don't know, and there's people listening and watching. And if that is the shape of of your penis, then I would suggest going to the hospital immediately because, that's that's I mean, if that is the size of your, what we call in a bellend, then you've probably got some blood trapped.

00;31;43;22 - 00;32;04;08
Unknown
Maybe that's why Daisy May left you to, Because, you know, that's a jawbreaker. Oh, could you could try to put you, like, open your mouth and try to see the little anyway. Yeah, right, right, right. Tell me, tell me, tell me. No. So it was, it was actually just a what I would call or we, we would call it perfect storm.

00;32;04;10 - 00;32;37;16
Unknown
Perfect storm. Just in case you didn't understand before you say perfect, you said a perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect storm. Yeah. No. So basically was, was our usual Friday night, and, I got us some some takeaway, something good from our local spa, in the southern part of America. I'm not exactly sure where, but, man, we went out and there was a two for two special.

00;32;37;18 - 00;32;59;01
Unknown
So if you buy two cans of beans, you get to two cans on the head. Okay. Thank you. And, I just figured. Yeah. I mean, you spend the night in the arch, a couple of movies, and you just have four tins of beans. Yeah. That's your. That's your idea of a nice. Yeah. That's your takeout is four tins of beans.

00;32;59;01 - 00;33;22;05
Unknown
Tins of beans. So just literally, you know, crack it open. You heat the beans. Yeah. No I think you having awful beans. Tins of beans. And how much was Daisy may have. Well actually like normally because she's, she's kind of a sweet aren't she. She leaves half for her sake and can, over to me should I want some a bit later and,

00;33;22;11 - 00;33;41;26
Unknown
Yeah. So I just think that maybe she was just fucking sick of beans, because that's four tins of beans. I'm just, Look, I'm just brainstorming. Yeah, but but they they are baked beans, and they're also in in some sauce. It's not, it's not, it's not dry beans. Okay. But like this, that was, some marketing in the UK, which was, I say marketing.

00;33;41;26 - 00;34;10;02
Unknown
It was more like a rhyme that people said, which was. Yeah, beans. Beans. Oh, that's original shit. I've kind of. The more you, the more the more you eat beans, beans, beans. But it's good for your heart. Yeah. Beans. Beans. They make you feel, right now I'm thinking if you're having three and a half tins of beans and she's only having what I'm struggling through now, I get what you're saying, James.

00;34;10;02 - 00;34;53;20
Unknown
So. Yeah. All right, all right. So to give you an idea, what we normally do is we just go to the barn, right? Which is probably now, in retrospect, the don't don't smell that great. Anyway, so I can you have the cows up in the loft where they just sit there. Now, when Dylan made that comment on the what a fucking hay no, but what I wanted to say that normally I just kind of put the, the blanket there and, yeah, we, I actually have this nice little fucking pocket projector that I had that I bought my, on my way.

00;34;54;13 - 00;35;14;17
Unknown
Like, we passed through Texarkana. Was a park it projector so we could watch. Hey, look, you just. Yeah. You sideswipe me that you're. You're a simple guy. You're a barn guy? Yeah. Below your hayloft. And you're you're eating your four tins of beans, and you've got what it's called a pocket projector. I've never even heard of a pocket that it's like you.

00;35;15;08 - 00;35;39;18
Unknown
Listen, man, we live living in the future. And if you if you don't kind of pick up some of these shit, man, you get left behind. So what are you. What are you watching on your pocket projector? Well, well, she really wanted to watch this, James Bond bond. Is it James Bond film? And that's how he says, actually, yeah.

00;35;39;20 - 00;36;12;01
Unknown
Bond. James Bond. Yeah. So, no, I well, you know, honestly, she kind of gave me the gist of it before. It's like this, you've probably heard this or something, but, I just thought it was a shittier, shittier kind of English film of the Jason Bourne movies. Yeah. I mean, yeah, just, I think James Wan came first, but, you know, Jason Bourne, James Wan, similar kind of, I don't know, I, I do live, where you see where you want to if Jason Bourne comes first or did James Bond come first?

00;36;12;16 - 00;36;33;19
Unknown
Because Hank, you know, I mean, I don't I yeah, I haven't really got you summed up yet. But, yeah, I don't think you're a guy who is going to know. You'll listen. Listen, I can tell you. Listen, I don't care what the internet say about about, the first James Bond and what, 61? It's it's it's all bullshit now.

00;36;33;19 - 00;37;01;18
Unknown
Okay. Well, I mean, his first movie in the novel, The Bourne Identity, which is adapted for television in 1988. I mean, I was older than I thought. All right, Hank, I'm sorry. All right, well. But anyway. Anyway. So. So this is where the all story. We watch this James Bond film, and he's a smooth character. And she she kind of brings it up saying, you know what?

00;37;01;20 - 00;37;23;10
Unknown
Dear? Why why can't she make a bit more effort in in trying to trying to clean up yourself or at least I mean, kind of just boom, a bit more or just be just fucking shower every now and again. I mean, Hank, with the full tins of beans. She kind of has a point, you know, she she has a point there and you're lying in a barn.

00;37;23;15 - 00;37;46;00
Unknown
You've left the house. I assume you're in the house before. Yeah, I've been in a house. And you left the house to go lie to bond with you. But, yeah, she has a point. Okay. Can see what happened from her nose. So we watched the film, and that's kind of where the the argument story because. And the thing I try and or she kind of brings up, I was just like, no, I fucking I'm not pregnant.

00;37;46;00 - 00;38;05;18
Unknown
Who? No, this is who I am. So anyway, I was, Oh, she fucking brought up me picking my nose, and that was okay. I'm about to bring that up, too. If you keep picking it, it's it's disgusting. And so be in it as well. That's a lie. That's a lie. The fake news. The fake news. Anyway.

00;38;05;21 - 00;38;25;09
Unknown
So, anyway, we go to bed next morning. I was busy in the hayloft. Yeah, yeah. You know, and, get busy feeding my animals that I have in the barn below, but it's nice. I'm glad you cleared that up, because we had a whole thing earlier. We didn't know whether we'd like. You'd take hay in the loft, but I'm glad we're speaking to an expert.

00;38;25;09 - 00;38;56;06
Unknown
Right. And, Yeah, she kind of brought it up again, saying that. No, I needed to treat her better, and, Yeah, she can't just fucking kicked off. And she kind of, like, stormed off saying she needs she needs more surface. She needs. She needs sophistic and shiny. Yeah, I don't know. And then she fucking said she was in the mood for wine and crumpets.

00;38;56;11 - 00;39;15;08
Unknown
I don't know what the fuck a crumpet was. I thought. I thought that's a that's like an animal that you hunt or suddenly it's actually like a wild game. Well, we know it's actually. So it's a crumb pet, so it's a crumb pet. So it's actually, So it's two things I can show you. Exactly. You can hunt.

00;39;15;08 - 00;39;42;09
Unknown
It's a crumb, but pet. No. So, anyway, I just kind of figured, she kind of left it there. Try making contact with her, and eventually she didn't want to pick up, so I thought. All right, so I took a, look at myself in the mirror, and I was like, you know what? I can probably clean up my act a little bit.

00;39;42;11 - 00;40;14;14
Unknown
So, then, you went on this mission to try and, sophisticate myself like you. English gentleman. A bit more. But, yeah, it was kind of difficult because, Yeah, my my reference point was like Downton Abbey or, downtown Abbey. I sat down in downtown Abu Abbey. Yeah, I'll hit program where people, they're like. They're ballers.

00;40;14;17 - 00;40;33;07
Unknown
Like, they're wearing, like, really old clothing, but they live in downtown now. We'll talk about it later. Oh, okay, I see. Yeah. Anyway, so did you sell? Oh. So I was like, oh, right. So that's where my old AC look at me uses it all to see all honestly began. So I figured, well, fuck. The first thing she said was one.

00;40;33;09 - 00;41;00;05
Unknown
So I was like, oh right, right. So I went off to the nearest store. It's one of two stores we have there in, BFF no way, no way. I love that place. Yeah, it's an Alabama, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, no, I just figured one. But, man, fuck. James. I'll tell you, it just tastes like bad, bad grape juice.

00;41;00;20 - 00;41;17;22
Unknown
I mean, it kind of is good. Yeah, yeah. I mean, usually what you explained is pretty much exactly what it is. It is bad. Grape juice is grape juice left firm and fermented and then becomes wine. So you spot on that. Hey, congratulations, man. You are. Your taste buds are extraordinary. You really are genius. You know what?

00;41;17;23 - 00;41;27;09
Unknown
You know what? I always say it. Laugh is like a.

00;41;27;11 - 00;42;01;22
Unknown
Hopefully that was the payoff. Then. What the fuck? You laughed. Yeah. The little prick. Anyway, I try on this thing and, YouTube kind of had a taste one and gonna learn how to, appreciate more. It turned it there. You kind of sip it, you and, Yeah. In all honesty, like I say, I know that that is now something I can tick off my list knowing that it's something that I don't like and we move on.

00;42;01;24 - 00;42;28;14
Unknown
So, yeah, I figured, let me try and raise some, some, some nice a bit more nicer and went to, went to one of these fancy suit shops. For some reason, this, this my in, wanted to dress me, you know, just so man, man man is in the mix like the ancient Mexicans, you know, had. No, you have, like, Iron Man.

00;42;28;17 - 00;42;54;23
Unknown
Yeah. Like the men's, you know, they had the main calendar and like, the, the they were like, freaking brother. I don't know what you're talking about. Like, we, we had some, some Native Americans as they, as the, they now call them, and no, no, no, I fucking phone for like, but, no. Anyway, you wanted to dress me or try on this.

00;42;55;07 - 00;43;14;25
Unknown
Was it a cravat? Is that what they call it? Yeah, yeah. There's no fucking way I'm walking around in there, so. No, I just look like a fucking. Like I was talking to that, like. Yeah, barks a little fucking gift. Right? So now that been weird for me. I track, truck Gulf, that that that was short lived.

00;43;15;09 - 00;43;35;15
Unknown
I felt like Happy Gilmore. Okay. Like, maybe the James Bond didn't play golf. Well, why did James Bond didn't play golf? I mean, this is something that I, I see the fancy, fancy folk, dude. So I was like, oh, right. Where do they normally go? They do this country club thing, but, what's Daisy Mae doing at this point?

00;43;35;15 - 00;43;52;26
Unknown
I assume she's malnourished. She's starving to death. She's stuck in a barn. Johnny eats beans. Like, what's she doing at this point? Like, I seem pretty upset. No, I got her something else for, like, to go with the beans, but. No, she's still in the fucking barn. Okay. I'm one. So one thing I'm thinking of, I just.

00;43;52;28 - 00;44;19;10
Unknown
I need to clear this up right, because, she eats beans. Justin's. She lives in a barn, and her name is Daisy Mae. Is she a cow? It's a. That's funny, but there was this one, man. I'm gonna tell you, man, a couple a couple of brandies. Yeah. Later, you can find me knee deep in anything if you're a titty guy, but those nipples everywhere.

00;44;19;12 - 00;44;46;29
Unknown
Bit difficult to get to, though. But, Yeah, but no, Daisy Mae is not a guy. Oh, she's actually a na southern belle. Quite cute, actually. But anyway, so, they had tried the whole golf thing, and, I don't want to. I want her to. And I'm going to try this word in, due to Bailey believe that I have changed in due to Bailey.

00;44;47;01 - 00;45;22;22
Unknown
For fuck's sake. Undoubtably right. There you go. They. Yeah, they do that. Okay. Well, anyway. So anyway. Oh, it was my thing is race wrong that I've now been to was Starbucks. So I went to Starbucks, over the black coffee and, this is person on the, other end of the counter asked me Americano, and I say, fuck yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, needless to say, but and kind of looks at me weird.

00;45;22;22 - 00;45;42;26
Unknown
And then I thought, the fucking nerve or this person. But, I need to show my green card to get a cup of coffee. Like I don't understand, but nevertheless say, what is your opinion on people that don't have green cards in America? So let's let's say, well, then they they're not American by default, okay. By default. And you don't like them.

00;45;42;26 - 00;46;10;05
Unknown
In fact, you say you would hate me. I, would be wary of them. Okay. No. Yeah. No. No reason. Not reasons. Fucking not gonna get though, right. No. But anyway, so last thing I want to try fucking good crumpets, which is non-animal. It's, how do you describe, James? So I would describe it as a fuck.

00;46;10;06 - 00;46;28;10
Unknown
Would I describe a crumpet? What is a crumpet? It's a it's got a, like, a rubbery texture, but they're delicious. They're they're a breakfast savory item that has lots of little holes in it. They look like cheese, but it's bready and then you would usually toast them like a toasted crumpet, and then all the butter would melt within them into the holes.

00;46;28;10 - 00;46;49;17
Unknown
And they are delicious. It's like, you know what they're actually saying that it is nice. But yeah, what I would, I guess I did wrong from the get go when I tried my, my first batch of crumpets was, automatically dip them in barbecue sauce and that apparently. No, no, that wouldn't work. That is the wrong meal. Wrong meaning sorry.

00;46;49;21 - 00;47;11;05
Unknown
Or it is a derogatory way that, like someone from London would call, a woman a crumpet. Oh, yeah. Who ordered, like, a little bit of crumpet. Ray. Yeah, that's true, that's true. That's not nice. Gail. And you called crumpet. Yeah, exactly. If the if there is a nice word, some creep from East London would turn that into, like, a weird thing, like.

00;47;11;05 - 00;47;31;28
Unknown
Oh, sure, she's a nice bird. She is. Or she's the right fit bird. Bird? Yeah. Like a you'd call a bird a woman. Oh, she's a nice bit of crumpet. Hey, c what's the what's the letter for? The laugh is just because they're so funny. They're so funny about what they're saying, and they're right to geezers is what they are.

00;47;32;00 - 00;47;51;29
Unknown
Geezer. Geezer. Yeah. Look, geezer, we like hot water. Shoots out like a spring. That's a geezer. Like a like a Cockney geezer, which is completely different. Cockney. Yeah, yeah. Like, it's not like a, like a chicken and your knee together, like, it's not like a cockney. Like a cockney, which is, someone from James. Yeah, I know Doon toes.

00;47;51;29 - 00;48;16;09
Unknown
You listen up for now, but, man, you are just fucking hilarious. I can tell by how much you're laughing, Hank. You know, you guys have a lot in common. Actually have a good, very similar speaking. That pace. That's fire. My. It's the fucking English. Right. So anyway. So, Oh, is that the fucking crumpets? Don't worry.

00;48;16;15 - 00;48;35;06
Unknown
Barbecue sauce. Maybe I don't want it. And then probably get stand to the smell was something that I could change, so I just figured it out. Freshen up, skip the beans for a while. As we said, they make you thought so. Well, I don't know. I like I tried these, this, this main perfume, what do they call it?

00;48;35;19 - 00;48;54;27
Unknown
Call fucking Cologne. Cologne. Cologne. Yeah, yeah, it's also a place in Germany as well, if you, if you ever want to visit. All right. James. So just so it. Sure. Whatever. Whatever. So. No, sir, I don't know. I just bought this thing called Lations of May, and I figured that was a good way to start, and,

00;48;54;29 - 00;49;13;20
Unknown
Yeah, just fucking douse myself with it. I wasn't sure how much, but I put so much on it. Looks like I was, I was sweating like. Like, like a hooker in church. So you put lots of Cologne on, and it made you sweat? Why, I would no, no, I just put so much on that it looked like it was sweat.

00;49;13;20 - 00;49;42;26
Unknown
Oh, right. Okay, so you literally you just poured the thing on you, and that's not fucking stinking no more. No, no, no, I had enough. But, Yeah. Trying all these things and kind of story started spreading, around town that I was going through this and, the days in May. Come on, may God or take kept me up on, on the Instagram and, she kind of just say, well, she appreciate me trying.

00;49;42;26 - 00;50;18;12
Unknown
And that's, that's kind of all it is, is, So, I just kind of wanted to say that maybe there's a lesson there for me. Is it? Just be by open guys? Don't just be open minded to some shit more than others. Don't. Yeah, yeah. So if you really want, just order maybe McDonald's once or twice, even though I know it's fucking horse meat, but, that was that was a lot of weirdly slanderous ends to this conversation.

00;50;18;12 - 00;50;36;24
Unknown
Hank, you just. I mean, everything, like, you avoided you avoided things on green cards, and then all of a sudden, McDonald's religion, one of the biggest companies in the world, you you are saying on record, and, they it's basically horse meat. My thing allegedly alleged, allegedly like beef. But, you know, is that Hank Dylan? Did you hear that?

00;50;36;24 - 00;51;07;25
Unknown
Anyway? Fucking fructose. I just know that corporations like that. I just know these corporations won't touch it. But however, you mentioned something about someone, with regards to race, immigration, and people aren't happy. Anyway, I just want to say be open minded guys and, just fucking keep on living. Wow. I know, thank you. Hank. The what a what a frickin inspirational.

00;51;07;25 - 00;51;28;28
Unknown
End the conversation. And and the good good luck to you. Good luck to you, man. I hope Daisy Mae comes back to you maybe one day or not. You put yourself out there, be animal bonds, James Bond, James Bond. Yeah. And good luck to you. Hang on. Thanks, James. It was a pleasure. And, hopefully I didn't bore you with my fucking story about me trying to freshen up, and,

00;51;29;00 - 00;51;46;15
Unknown
That's a good look. I speak to Dylan all the time. Literally, exactly the same. Just literally eat, like, identical. Yeah. All right. James. James. Fuck you. All right? Okay. Oh. He's back. So. Hey, Dylan. Hi. Well, it was just a lovely conversation. Yeah, man. You're free. Your friend Hank is quite the chatterbox. You can't shut that guy up.

00;51;46;17 - 00;52;17;26
Unknown
No, no, no, it's just because he speaks so long. Then, it feels like he speaks forever. So long. So. Yeah. So long. So. Yeah. Well, then good bye. Drop it down low for a three word story. Okay. Dylan? Yes. For my three words. Okay. We had cascading adventurer occasions. Okay. And who better fits that bill than Saint Nicholas himself?

00;52;17;29 - 00;52;39;07
Unknown
Okay, but that's what I wanted you to think until two minutes ago, when I had a different eye, dear. So who else fits this bill? Listen to Hank. Two years. He wasn't paying full attention. He was fucking thinking. Our point is. No, listen to me. Look, Hank. Hank spoke so quickly that I could barely, barely get a word in right?

00;52;39;07 - 00;53;11;05
Unknown
Like he was just chatterbox. Chatterbox, chatterbox. Daisy. Mini Daisy Mae fucked a cow. Fuck was a cow. You know, all that stuff. So, look, it's just I read this old tale of a Christmas tree. German. Customs. Half goat, half demon monster that punishes misbehaving children at Christmas time. He's a devilish companion of Saint Nicholas. Now, Saint Nicholas, I know if you know this.

00;53;11;07 - 00;53;40;07
Unknown
Actually, you think I like I. So I've watched read one. Like maybe two weeks ago. And I think there's a similar character in that. Okay. Who is the brother of Saint Nicholas? I think it was, I think, but I think Nicholas Suddenlink was the patron, patron saint of children, which screamed Peter, because, you know, it's, but look, I know I don't think the the estate of Saint Nicholas is going to come after me, I think will I think we're all right.

00;53;40;14 - 00;54;05;28
Unknown
All right, I think I hope so. Touch wood. Allegedly. But maybe I'm wrong, because Church in Children has a long history of being perfectly okay and nothing weird happening, right? So I'm sure it's fine. So basically, Dylan, for our story, I want you to take your beautiful and wonderful mind back to you as a child. Yes. Which I know is not a reach for me, that I'm bad.

00;54;05;29 - 00;54;33;18
Unknown
Okay. Now I want you to imagine, okay, that there is. It's Christmas Eve, okay? Everyone's gone to bed. It's a little chill outside. I know South Africans at home. Not that cold. Okay. It's actually during summertime. Yeah. This is this. There's a weird chill outside just because it's summer. So you've just. Everyone's gone to bed. You're. You're quivering in your little panties.

00;54;33;25 - 00;54;52;23
Unknown
You you can barely contain your excitement, right? Because now. Because it's cold. Because I'm excited. It's just so excited. You know, it's also underwear. No panties, but just let me. Okay? I don't know. I didn't go to judge you. Maybe you went to bed in your little Christmas panties. Excited for Christmas, father Christmas to come deliver you some present.

00;54;52;23 - 00;55;18;03
Unknown
Yes. Okay, so you're stirring in bed. You could be a little smirk on, because you know that you're going to unwrap your bench press, potentially for Christmas. Whatever. Father Christmas show, it's a bring you. Okay. And then what's that? Oh, sure. He's he's slain father Christmas at Bell factory. So I want you to think about you sneaking downstairs.

00;55;18;03 - 00;55;48;16
Unknown
And you want a glimpse of Father Christmas, but. I don't have another soundbite, so you're just gonna have to imagine dread show door. Okay. Sure. What, is your shock and horror? It's not. Father Christmas is actually the half goat, half demon monster. Krampus. Fuck, yes. Hi, Dylan. How are you? I'm still German. Half demon, half God man.

00;55;48;16 - 00;56;14;10
Unknown
Krampus. Okay, now I'm less scared. This noise. He's a German half demon, a half. Right? So you have a complete right? Okay. I'm Krampus. Okay, okay. Your. No, no, this is Krampus. This. Come. Okay. Hi, Dylan. What's up? Unspoken is. Yes. You've been a little boy. You've been a naughty little boy. I need your naughty little details. And so I have been sent here for some father's customers to punish you because you've been a naughty boy.

00;56;14;10 - 00;56;35;20
Unknown
So you are going to get bad gifts for this Christmas. Unless you can convince me otherwise. Do you understand? Little deal. Now I'm going to tell you exactly when you have been naughty little boy the past couple of years and how you are not get any Christmas presents. Don't understand, Dylan. Today, I guess. Yes. You've got a very deep voice for a little boy.

00;56;35;20 - 00;56;46;25
Unknown
Dylan. Fuck off. I'm not doing that. No, it is certainly.

00;56;46;27 - 00;57;12;17
Unknown
Right. Yeah, yeah, I did your kid. Yes, I did it. So fucked it right. Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. Right. Let me handle. Let me get back. Because I'm a Krampus. I'm half demon. Half goat, I'm half demon. I'm half. And also German. So I'm German, I'm half demon. I'm a half god. So, Dylan, you've been such a naughty little wienerschnitzel this Christmas festive period.

00;57;12;20 - 00;57;38;17
Unknown
Not only have you pissed in your pants and in an arcade, that what that was once. You have also made it go cry when you went to kiss her and you ran away from her and watched the fridge. And she was 16. So yes, yes. But you're still a naughty little boy. So, Dylan, you have to tell me what makes you a good little boy.

00;57;38;19 - 00;57;58;29
Unknown
Dylan, please tell me what makes you a good little boy at this Christmas. Well, does it have to be as a little boy that I get you? I call you a little boy. But actually, you are, 27 years, and you have you. You can tell me a good deed that you have done, little Dylan. Well, shit.

00;57;59;01 - 00;58;30;23
Unknown
You know what? The fact that I know of most of the homeless people back home. Oh, that's funny, that's funny. Yes, I love that one. In, you're not really helping yourself to, probably not. But then, I go back, I go back, I am like that. You go. Started to fuck and walked into that one.

00;58;30;25 - 00;58;56;21
Unknown
Yes. Into your house. Still it like you said, and all these people don't have anything to walk into. So please tell the Krampus. What have you been a good boy. And you deserve a Christmas present. From a young age, I have always tried rubbing my face.

00;58;56;23 - 00;59;20;27
Unknown
I'd love to know where this is going. I love to know it is. It's going to be. Yeah. I can't I can't even go come back from that. That was that is like a terrible 10/10 the Christmas killing. Dylan, do not finish that sentence then. I don't fucking finish it. Saying shut up has got nothing to do with this shit, man.

00;59;20;29 - 00;59;50;06
Unknown
I wanted to make the joke that, I love the homeless people's faces in the fact that I have a home and they don't. And then, needless to say, I rub my face for no apparent reason. I mean, I was like, fuck, I can't backtrack now. So now it just is what it is, is so it's so, Dylan, you're telling me as a little boy when I'm.

00;59;50;08 - 00;59;58;10
Unknown
You know, that I know I'm going to face the homeless people.

00;59;58;12 - 01;00;17;14
Unknown
Have. Listen, from what I can tell now, it still smells better than Hank, so it's fine. No shit, I just, I just I was always the one that made an effort even to have my parents give their money to the people on the streets. Hopefully. Noble of you. Yeah, yeah. It's like, hey, I didn't have money.

01;00;17;14 - 01;00;37;10
Unknown
I also wanted would I normally do? I would be like, hey, mom. Hey, dad. Just maybe. Please. I'll Dennis over there. And Dennis is legit. Lee, this was, one guy on the street and again, maybe a controversial topic. People like Dylan don't do that. Like you keeping them on the streets? Yeah, stuff. Rubbing him some, rubbing your face.

01;00;37;10 - 01;00;59;22
Unknown
The kids stuff coming your face. It's a homeless. The edge of your parents to pay for it. It's you. Even Dennis was weirded out by, like, a little little boy going, hello, homeless man. How much for me to rub your face into your guts? I just want to smile, that's all. That is, that'd be 200. And now the homeless man.

01;00;59;22 - 01;01;26;00
Unknown
Mother smiles. Your face, your paint, the homeless man. And, Let's, So, yeah, my parents have always been very good to the homeless and, you know. Yeah, I'm. I'm not. And then, Shit. This is this is a really fucking difficult question. And I know I can't just cop out being like, actually fucking Krampus.

01;01;26;00 - 01;01;52;27
Unknown
Don't leave me on the naughty list. But, I actually do want prisons, so, because if you are naughty boy on the Christmas list, you'll have your penis chopped off and Saint Nicholas Western as a necklace at the end of every single. What does it matter? Like, afterwards I'm like, I mean, if I'm diculous, I'm diculous. I just wanted you to know what I think I just was a little penis necklace.

01;01;52;27 - 01;02;11;11
Unknown
It's it's disgusting. It's it's it's really. And by February, it stinks. I don't think I'm meant to be that. Do you like the end of the half go to half theme? And I'm like, this is, this is. This is what it is. This is weird. Shit. What? Why am I. I'm really thinking diving back the the stuff to why.

01;02;11;13 - 01;02;37;28
Unknown
Yeah, yeah, yeah. What I you know what I always tried? Helping my sisters somewhat. I think that's always a good deed. That the blood. Yeah, I, I always try to protect them. Yeah. With regards to my parents, I figured they were grown ups. Maybe I was in. Maybe I wasn't always as you could fucking deal with it yourself.

01;02;37;28 - 01;02;58;12
Unknown
Keeping my money. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I sound like an asshole, so I'm very glad I need to rub my face. So let me just play. Dennis, please. Yeah, I think I was a good big brother. Big brother brother brother, bro. Good thing I was the best, bro. Good. That was. That was definitely, That was a good brother.

01;02;59;03 - 01;03;21;25
Unknown
I looked after the toys that I got previously from. From that. That's very good. I will put it on the list. You looked after your bench press. That and the top. Yeah. Didn't drop the weights on the ground. So, Very good. By the look of you, you've barely used the. Fuck off. And then. Yeah.

01;03;21;26 - 01;03;44;23
Unknown
Trying to think. Fuck it. Obviously. So I haven't taken much stock about how many good deeds I've. I've done over the, You weren't prepared for the Krampus was, you know, to this. That's your deal. And neither was I. I'm. Well, listen, if I can, whenever we get James back like he is, like you've got a very distinct, German accent.

01;03;44;23 - 01;04;02;21
Unknown
I mean, because I'm the campus and I. This is where I originate from, Dylan. I am the German Krampus. Yes. Yeah. And and I know you wanted a deeper, scarier voice, but I'm just a Krampus. It wasn't. Yeah. It's not, I don't know, I don't know what happened. That was just me. Just like I am a go to demon.

01;04;02;23 - 01;04;30;04
Unknown
So sometimes my voice goes a bit strange. Okay. Okay. So, am I in the right direction yet, am I? I think we're making progress. I think we're nearly there. Dylan. The Ometer has nearly gone too. Good boy. Helping, some older people cross the road. And I remember thinking, even back then, surely this only happens in the fucking movie where, like, old people need help.

01;04;30;07 - 01;05;06;18
Unknown
It's like crossing the road. It sounds so stupid. They've been walking the whole fucking time. And now all of a sudden they stop. And now. Now they need help crossing the road a little bit. Anyway. So I saw that on like on a, on a movie. And I remember like on two occasions maybe not across the street, but like within contained that you see I'm going to to put regards to some of these things but like I have helped some older people either carry their groceries only on two occasions, because they looked like they struggled.

01;05;06;20 - 01;05;25;22
Unknown
And then I'm trying to think there was something else that I saw in movies that I thought maybe I should do. I like I like the fact that you said that you tried to help them cross the road, as if maybe there was a failed time, some time that you walked across, and then the car just plowed them over like, oh, no, it didn't make stuff.

01;05;25;22 - 01;05;48;14
Unknown
Because again, I'm like, yeah, probably, alleviated some to. But again, it's fucking they just walking and I'm carrying groceries. So yeah, I somewhat help them I guess I did. And then they thought, what the fuck am I doing. This is a drop them on the floor. Yeah. Just midway through. Just be like, hey, wait a minute, I'm South African, and then you just run away with the groceries.

01;05;48;16 - 01;06;12;26
Unknown
I can't do this. Okay, Dylan, let me check my magical good boy pedometer. And yes, you have been observed lit. Then listen. Thank you. Krampus. I appreciate that, though. I mean, we can cut the shit. I'm not too sure if I was ever so convincing as to how many good things I did. Yeah. To be honest, Dylan, I'm very busy this holiday period.

01;06;12;26 - 01;06;31;28
Unknown
I need to I need to see a little boy called Jeffrey Epstein. And it's, P Diddy after this one. So I think I'm judging by that list, I've got quite a while to find out what good they did or didn't do. So, you know, I think so. I, you know, I'm going to accept the pissing, the panties and the making the girl cry.

01;06;31;28 - 01;07;03;06
Unknown
And you have tried to help an old lady across the street. I think they can't do that. No, not, you know, I think for an and just as a closing note, and this is actually something I don't know, Krampus, if you've ever taken pizza from a homeless man before night. But just to show the human connection, I actually took a pizza slice from a homeless person because I figured he just wanted I just wanted a pepperoni slice.

01;07;03;06 - 01;07;20;27
Unknown
But what he wanted was that human connection. So, yeah, I took, I took a homeless man's pizza slice that he offered to me. And then, like, okay, so I thought, like, I thought he was saying, you just stole from this man, and you're claiming as a human into the night. He opened up his pizza box. I wonder where that was going.

01;07;20;27 - 01;07;41;24
Unknown
Yeah, yeah, yeah, there was a pizza with a pizza sticking out the middle. He was like an apple pepperoni. That was actually for free. Not anyway. Yeah. Nice. All I had to do was suck his dick. But that was very noble of you to take that pizza from that homeless man. You know, they should give you a Nobel Prize for taking a pizza from a homeless guy.

01;07;41;24 - 01;08;02;08
Unknown
I got a bit of sausage, but it's it's you did. You did. So, Dylan, I I've now observer of all naughty activities for Christmas. The last thing I just wanted to say is I am the Krampus. And I just wanted to show you my range of crumpets. If there's any Krampus crumpets that you would be interested in, then let me know.

01;08;02;18 - 01;08;17;23
Unknown
They're just a nice, lovely, fluffy, holy thing. You beat the bucket into it. Hold on. Does it come with barbecue sauce? Don't worry, Hank, I'm coming to your house next. You naughty boy. I know what you did with a cow called Daisy. May.

01;08;17;25 - 01;08;41;27
Unknown
Thank you. Krampus. Like you very much. Oh, wow. Dylan. That was. We had some zany characters here today. Hank and Krampus have gone off together, with the bottle of whiskey, and they look very amorous. Yeah, I got some fun and know they're going to get high on crumpets tonight. Fo sho sho. So, Dylan, you had a good idea of what to do for next week.

01;08;42;06 - 01;09;13;13
Unknown
But you forgot. Yes. Did you know the Krampus and Hank and all of these shenanigans bring that back to your mind? James, in all honesty, no. Probably just confuse me even more. I have I have had to use words, more than I have had to in the last fucking month. And, or at least words that I, that I'm not used to, so that, again, like trumpets and a Krampus and a crumpet.

01;09;13;15 - 01;09;40;14
Unknown
Yeah. And a fucking hayloft. Yeah. Okay. No, to to answer your question. No, let's go with ideal. Maybe it's overused, but we we can workshop this. Okay. Now. Yeah. Place you would like to retire. Place you would like to retire. Okay, well, had something I can't, Fuck it. Who cares? Yeah. Let's say fuck it.

01;09;40;14 - 01;09;53;04
Unknown
Who cares? Even if we've done it before? Let's. We can. We can juju this up a little bit. Right. So we're going to go country and then we gonna have to go specific place where you'd have your home. Right. Yeah. Yeah okay. That is I mean you can go as deep as you want if you want to challenge, do it like.

01;09;53;09 - 01;10;13;00
Unknown
Yeah. Malibu Mansion, which is kind of easy to go for, but. Yeah, like, okay. Fucking dream mansion some way. Maybe Tuscany, Italy maybe. No, no, not L.A. No, we'll skip. All right. No no, no. Did you see the. Did you see the the, It's on one of the rows, but this particular guy. Oh, this is the guy with the.

01;10;13;01 - 01;10;35;02
Unknown
His house stayed up. Yeah, because he proofed it. Yeah, if I approved it. And then obviously the construction or like, the, the construction materials were, well, good strong. Yeah. And have you heard. So apparently the conspiracy theorists. Yeah. Are saying that actually they are lasers from, I don't know, the man or whoever are setting these fires. They're laser beams.

01;10;35;05 - 01;11;03;04
Unknown
Right. And what they're saying is that they work on everything other than stuff that's blue. So then there's pictures of trash cans and stuff like that. So I think this goes without saying. They are definitely right. Like, yes, I believe them. Yeah, I believe that there are laser beams and it's got something to do with, burning the evidence of, of these crimes or whatever that literally is apparently what's on on the internet right now down here.

01;11;03;04 - 01;11;31;23
Unknown
Burn down the whole fucking lie just to get that look. The Krampus will find him and make him answer for his crimes. So next week, somewhere where we retire on three word story. For the blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Have you any messages from the Happy New Year? Drop it down low three word story.