5. Father Pissedmas & Give me Stations

Welcome to "Three Word Story," where each episode spins a tale from the unexpected. Join hosts James Royle and Dylan Jacobs as they unravel narratives sparked by three random words from the innovative app what3words. From "Overt.Beard.Useful" to "Stations.Scenes.Singing" every episode promises whimsy, mystery, and creativity in just three words. Tune in for improvised adventures that blend imagination with spontaneity, proving that a world of stories can unfold from the most unlikely places. Ready to embark on a journey of words? Let's weave some magic together.

Thank's for listening, Tune in next week for another episode!

Thank's for listening, Tune in next week for another episode!

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Transcript

00:00:00:00 - 00:00:27:01
Unknown
Welcome to Three Word Story, the podcast where we take three words from around the mass place using the app these three words and improve the shit out of a story. Today on Streamlit story, I can't outsource it to China because there's a whole labor force there. I don't know what to do anymore. Income inequality right? Sorry. I thought that was not the pause for laughter.

00:00:27:07 - 00:00:54:07
Unknown
Okay. Oh, Dylan, how are you? Is this me actually saying hi? It's like. Yes. Yeah. Ha ha. Dylan. Hi. Hi, Dylan. Miss Darlington, face of Darlington shire. How are you this fine day? You know what? I am doing good. No hangover today. Feeling fresh ish. However, you were the one that brought it to my attention that it's not Sunday.

00:00:54:08 - 00:01:13:03
Unknown
It's actually still Saturday, so I've got a, I've got a week end day left. Oh, no. You got a whole hangover to have if you really want to eat. Yeah. So, yes, it's Saturday. It's been a while. Because we've been lazy, we've been busy. And, a little dollop of hangover as well. You managed to sandwich a birthday in there.

00:01:13:03 - 00:01:38:07
Unknown
So congratulations for, reaching the ripe old age of 35. We go looking at 27 or 27. Congratulations, Zealand. Round of applause for round insert applause. Jingle. So, last and the last one. We made the classic mistake. Four episodes in to not announce what? The next, story or, like, three words that we would have. We ended up there.

00:01:38:07 - 00:02:02:05
Unknown
We ended up royally. But it's okay. We're still in learning mode, as I'm sure we will be to the day we die. So the three words that we were picking, saddle fix were somewhere where we have excreted solids or liquids outside. Big. Gross. But, you know, thought we'd got a little bit left field. Yeah, it was a bit boring with schools and also things and whatever.

00:02:02:05 - 00:02:42:21
Unknown
So yeah, somewhere where we've shat, pissed, vomit, eel, waxed, sweated or cried outside. So please send your Dil face. What today is your area and indeed, what are your three words? So this takes us back to Hatfield Square days. So yeah, if I'm famous days. I wasn't quite, of drinking age just yet. However, that was kind of like the the party scene in Pretoria at that particular time.

00:02:43:05 - 00:03:08:07
Unknown
Or place for like, that place was pumping at that particular time. Right. Pom pom pom pumping. So this was back to the 80s. Yeah 65. He's 65 today. He celebrates his 65th birthday and indeed this time pumping this pumping beer. I don't know why I turned into buying the wrong. Yeah. What happens when you're 65 and it's been so did so.

00:03:08:07 - 00:03:30:00
Unknown
Yeah. Sorry. Sorry was pumping back in the day. Yeah. So there was this, it actually closed down. In the meantime, you do still have the the Hatfield Strip. However, back then it was a square. Yes. They changed massively. Right. Yeah. How times change. Yeah. Right. I remember when it was just a square, not just a strip.

00:03:30:03 - 00:04:03:11
Unknown
They got rid of three sides. Just a strip. Yeah. So it was, it was, this courtyard of bars in Hatfield, Pretoria, and. Yeah, I was 17 at that particular stage. I might, might have been 16. I, I mean, probably not. But anyway, with six sets to spend, the next five set with the 60 was 77, 17 years old, went out and, I got drunk.

00:04:03:13 - 00:04:31:14
Unknown
Yes. And I was not the biggest of 17 year olds. So needless to say, all the attention from all the bouncers were on me. Because point number one, I am already fairly drunk. And point number two, I don't look old enough to be there because 1818 and 1818 is the drinking age. However, a few of those bars you had to be 21 kind of to, to keep the riffraff like myself out.

00:04:31:14 - 00:04:54:08
Unknown
Yes. Yeah. And, needless to say, got drunk over there. But that's not our exact location. We went to Uncle Houses afterwards. Oh, that's where we ended up. I got kicked out, by the way. So needless to say, the bouncers picked up that I was not of age or at least I was causing shit. They. That was probably the main reason why they asked me how old I was.

00:04:54:10 - 00:05:22:20
Unknown
At that particular point, I was drunk, I wanted to get out. We went to uncle houses across the street and it's still standing there today, right? Whereas the rest of the bar is actually closed. I'm guessing they were on the three other side, but no, the strip actually moved to like a bit more down the street. However, that particular block, turned into, I think it was the architecture of faculty of, the university.

00:05:22:20 - 00:05:48:07
Unknown
That fucking squares. Yeah. Closing down your clubs and bars with stupid architecture and, Yeah. So we went to uncle houses. Across the street, after me, you know, after me being already very drunk. And uncle houses was a mixture of South African, Middle Eastern and French cuisine. However, they did have the best burgers. Quite the the the one thing that is that any of those.

00:05:48:08 - 00:06:06:05
Unknown
They did the best. Yeah. Listen, I even read up on their website this, this was according to their website. They were like, yes, it's a good mix of Middle Eastern, French and South African cuisine. So that and you know who doesn't doesn't have burgers any of those. And so we give you the best American bird. They are used.

00:06:06:06 - 00:06:27:09
Unknown
And so good specials over there and right. So we had a good burger. I then had to relieve myself. So I needed to take a piss. Was it really my sense? Yeah. Right. Yeah, I think that's fine. I don't know why my head went to wanking. I just never uncle follows me. Just carrying my load. Just. Yeah.

00:06:27:10 - 00:06:47:21
Unknown
Pretty heavy balls at that time. And you just had that. That's what I just. I just needed to piss. I couldn't find some way to piss, so I went around the corner and again, bear in mind, I was drunk, so I went around the corner. However, this is a fairly public kind of piece of, or piece of real estate.

00:06:47:23 - 00:07:05:21
Unknown
So cars were passing by and I did not. Yeah. So however, I thought, let me be be classy and at least turn the other way. I'm so right. Say you're not. What a nice guy. What a really nice kind of guy. So, one of these pot plants seemed very enticing to me at that stage. And I thought you know what?

00:07:05:21 - 00:07:27:13
Unknown
I'm not going to make it so. Needless to say, my friend and I, we, we just decided to take a piss in the pot. Oh, you double teamed it? Yeah, yeah. Spit roasted the, the potted plants with urination, right? Right next to the road. And you know what the funny thing was? Both of us looked around, just asking the question like there's no security, right?

00:07:27:13 - 00:07:55:14
Unknown
We we good, right? Yeah. And as soon as I started pissing, security tapped me on the shoulder and, he was like, you you can't do that to the cops. Yeah. You boots. Yeah. Needless to say, we we had to bribe him and none of us. Yeah. Really, though, because, because we were on our way to the, the jail cell of the the I the the fake cop.

00:07:56:05 - 00:08:20:16
Unknown
He was pissing in a plant, pissing in a pot plant in public because it was right next to the road. And he was like, listen, you guys are coming down with me. I think he wanted to scare us a bit. However, we were like, no, no, no, I pretended to, I pretended that my father was a lawyer and I was like, no, no, no, no, this was actually, some sort of law that says there needs to be.

00:08:20:19 - 00:08:42:24
Unknown
This is a public restroom. This is a bay leaf bush. And I think you find that the under section two, 89.4 of the urination I threw in sections wherever I could and he didn't buy that. Needless to say, I should probably get to the point though. But, yes. He didn't buy that. And, he was like, listen, how old are you?

00:08:42:24 - 00:09:02:19
Unknown
And I was like, I'm 18. And he was like, what's your ID number? And at that particular point, I also didn't know what my ID number was. So I said, I am dyslexic, 69, 69 for 22. Yeah. And he was like, anyway, you're officially cool. You've, I'll let you off immediately. Yeah. So that was kind of my story.

00:09:02:19 - 00:09:29:20
Unknown
I put it in a pot plant in public and, almost went to the little through jail cell in Hatfield Square for that, but that was that. Yeah. Okay. Cool. So your three words, Dylan. Oh, sorry. And the three words linked to that was horns station and pothole horns station. Pothole. Now was the location specifically where you pissed to the place?

00:09:29:20 - 00:09:54:06
Unknown
I, I really tried to hone it down, so I went to Uncle Fousey specific location in Hatfield, Pretoria. However, I figured it was around the corner. So yeah, I think it was within that, let's say ten meter radius at least. So I really tried to. Yeah. The spot. Yeah. Of the famous parts. I really try to, to be as specific as I know.

00:09:54:07 - 00:10:14:21
Unknown
And I hope that when obviously, with super famous speakers of this podcast that they, put that on the amount of that plants and ye be here the pot of piss of which Dylan Piston and people go there to worship it. And, yeah, that would be extremely down. I guess it's for your family, you know, it's.

00:10:14:23 - 00:10:43:19
Unknown
Yeah, I think for everyone. Yeah. Visiting the plant. But. Sure. Okay. So. Yeah. Tell us Jim's my defecation story. So, this one actually includes, a vomit and violent diarrhea in the same spot. So let me take you back to 15 year old James Royle doing an activity called ten Tools training. So it's training for ten tools, basically.

00:10:44:04 - 00:11:10:08
Unknown
We have a big, wonderful outdoor area called Dartmoor in the southwest of Great Britain. And it's the moors. So there's hills, there's bogs, there's grasses. It's basically where the army train, you know, to train you to live out in the terrain, deal with rain, wind and a load of shit. Yeah, yeah, it's kind of rough. And they have these big hills called towards, and you navigate between them and the actual event itself.

00:11:10:08 - 00:11:26:07
Unknown
You have to navigate between ten tools within 24 hours as a kid. And there's five of you in a group, six of you in a group. So we were training for this. So basically you would, go in a minibus for a few hours and you get dropped off there, get given you coordinates, and make your way around.

00:11:26:13 - 00:11:49:12
Unknown
And our SAS ex SAS, PE teacher would always be watching you. He would always be watching if you missed at all and you came back, he would look at you and be like, did you go to the store? Did you? And we pull up. And we may have missed it a little bit and I know you fucking didn't I was Alma and Batman.

00:11:49:16 - 00:12:09:24
Unknown
We have it. You Piccadilly. No you didn't talk to you and he, he just knew the guy fucking you. You never saw him. We didn't have G.P.S. on us. You didn't get unless he planted one. And he just. He was always watching. Terrifying. Right? So. And I hope he didn't see this. Yeah. Yeah, I hope he did not want it to bring that.

00:12:09:24 - 00:12:33:06
Unknown
Yeah. Otherwise, we have a day in court, sir. And one day, I was in navigate to Dylan, so I was very focused on navigating my map. I'm a compass. Compass. And I took it extremely fucking seriously. And I made a detrimental mistake. One day, I ran out of water, so I went to stream, and I filled up my platypus bag.

00:12:33:06 - 00:12:52:13
Unknown
You know, like the little water bladders with a tube to suck the nip when you walk around. No, I don't, okay, so imagine a balloon like bag with a tube with a little on the end, and you can go and you just, you just suck it away. So I filled it in up in a stream as normal. But you must, disinfect it.

00:12:52:13 - 00:13:19:04
Unknown
You know, you must get a little capsule in there and leave it for an hour or so for it to disinfect and not give you disease and, and worms and all of the above. And I did pop this tablet in, but I made the mistake of drinking it too. Too soon. So walking around, my guts feel fucking horrible.

00:13:19:06 - 00:13:41:21
Unknown
I'm walking very slowly, and the rest of the group is off on the horizon. You feel very tall, very close to each others small steps. Anus. Yeah. Clench. Flinch like the hardest possible fist you can imagine. And there was rumbling. And I knew it was time. And I found a gap between two large rocks, like a nice narrow gap.

00:13:41:23 - 00:14:03:23
Unknown
And I leaned forward and I projectile vomited all over town to help. But that's just, Sorry. I was ready for the back end. Oh, no. I'm just like, oh, okay, that's coming down. All right. So, so sorry. Little, And then as a clambering for my belt, dropped trowel and then shat all over my freshly produced vomit.

00:14:04:00 - 00:14:31:23
Unknown
Not just then Dylan did. I only need to then vomit again to turn around and vomit on my fresh vomit and my fresh diarrhea. Liquidy, liquidy diarrhea. I vomit again, I turn around and these rocks were just close enough where I could just kind of wedge my arms in and just sit there sweating profusely, anus burning, vomit dripping down my chin, and there's a stream in front of me.

00:14:31:23 - 00:14:53:22
Unknown
It's quite an angelic scene. And across this stream is this sheep. You just sat there minding its own business, being like, dude, man, that's my water. Like licking his lips. No, it wasn't licking its lips. It was very stationary, but it was like upright. Just looked like it was just lay there mining its own business, like, kind of propped up against the wall.

00:14:53:22 - 00:15:39:22
Unknown
And I was so suspiciously still sheep. It was the. It was. You're saying that, it's it's like it's terrible, but, like, squeezing out of its ass, like Ace Ventura as sheep birthing him out. No. Unfortunately, Dylan the sheep was no longer alive, and its eyes were completely missing from its head. So as I am just wedged between these two rocks shut out my insides, I was just looking at this eyeless sheep propped up against the wall across the stream, and I thought to myself, this sucks.

00:15:39:24 - 00:15:59:21
Unknown
This fucking sucks. And I want to cry and I want to die. I had a little pack of, little pack of tissues, like the little night nose tissues to to wipe my very liquidy anus up. And I lifted trowel once more and hobbled my way to the camp where we were. Well, I got there. Everyone was fucking camping along and having a great time.

00:16:00:06 - 00:16:31:18
Unknown
And all I could do was sleep, in a separate tent, because obviously there was a large chance that, diseases could have been spread and shat, could have been splitted. So that was my, excretion story of all the holes, and I, I couldn't find maybe exactly the exact crevice, which, I, deformed, and it gave me the three words overt beards, useful, overt beards.

00:16:31:18 - 00:16:55:02
Unknown
Useful. Now, I'd be very honest with you, Dylan. I'm remarkably grateful for these three words, because, I've double booked today. Okay. I have a very important meeting to go to. It's actually about the reconstruction of my anus. I often have to go for checkups after that story because my anus was obliterated. And I've double booked.

00:16:55:08 - 00:17:16:23
Unknown
Usually we do this on a Sunday. Saturday is my anus checkup. So I thought, well, I need to do my story. So luckily I've managed to get in a special guest to for you to talk to you. Which does relate to, overt beards. Useful. It all ties together perfectly. I gave him a message. He was free.

00:17:17:04 - 00:17:33:06
Unknown
So when it comes to my story, I'm going to go get my anus checked, and the special guest will be here for you just to have a chat with whether he has a story or not. I don't really know. I'm sure he does. But that's basically what I got today. So sorry. Double booked anus needs to be checked.

00:17:33:12 - 00:17:53:07
Unknown
Special guests will look after it. All right. Well, I'm fucking terrified because that relies on my interview. And I'll be like, yeah, just fucking tell me something about yourself and me just sitting back. Yeah, yeah. So we'll see. We'll see. I know it's not very busy this time of year, so I'm sure he's got a lot to say.

00:17:54:06 - 00:18:10:05
Unknown
He's actually up in the bottom right now, to be honest. I left in there a couple of hours ago. He was a little bit tipsy already, so we'll see. We'll see. I mean, take it as it comes. He is a man of very good character, so I have no reason to believe that he will be ill behaved or anything like that.

00:18:10:05 - 00:18:38:11
Unknown
So that's fair. Dylan, as we always do to the Tom Tom all season series, we're going to flip it. It's Tom Tom Ortiz's bigot of death. He, you know, 100. Although Tom yeah, we have TS and C's, which is really good because my, my annual checkup is, is now any minute now, thankfully it's a traveling doctor, so I will I will just make my way up to back.

00:18:38:13 - 00:19:09:21
Unknown
Yeah. I'm going, I'm going. Right. Okay. So I'm just going to grab him. I think he's just out in the corridor now. So if you just bear, bear with me one second down, I'll just go up here. Yeah. At. Drop down loop a three word story. Boom boom boom boom. Oh, it's a Santa Claus. Oh, fuck. Oh, oh, oh, Dylan.

00:19:10:10 - 00:19:42:04
Unknown
Lovely to meet you today, Dylan. It's me. You guessed it. For the Christmas. Oh, oh. Oh, yeah. How are you today, my dear boy? I look, Absolutely. Johnny. Very merry. If, if even if I. Why why did I even I do I was like, I don't know. Don't dude, don't take the piss out of me, you little prick.

00:19:42:09 - 00:20:04:11
Unknown
I'm father fucking Christmas. So do you even think about it? I'll be very honest with you, Dylan. I'm a bit razzed. Okay? I've been in. I've been in the bar for now, a couple of hours. And as you probably guessed, I'm not particularly busy this time of year. That's fair. Mrs. Claus is. Mrs. Claus is getting on my tits.

00:20:04:11 - 00:20:28:09
Unknown
She's just friggin in my ear all the time. Fucking Mr. Christmas, take the wood. Mr. Christmas, just this. This is a Christmas. You've. All the elves are working. Do something. I'm like, fuck off, woman. Fuck off! Leave me alone. So I've come here to help the. What is the goodest boys I've ever met in the world? James is,

00:20:28:11 - 00:20:49:14
Unknown
He's always been referring to me, but never mind. No, no, Dylan, I've got I've got some shit, all of you. But, No. James is one of the cutest boys. It's just a shame about what happened to his anus that one Christmas. But, we won't talk about that right now. So it involves the candy guy. Now, that's what Mrs. Claus calls it anyway.

00:20:49:20 - 00:21:16:05
Unknown
Oh. Oh, it just Blitzen. No, it knows a candy cane or two. So, look, Dylan, I'm. I haven't really come here with anything to say. I just wanted a break for Mrs. Claus and the little fucking elves. Now they've got their little, their little pedo system in place where they have rights now in their system. 9 to 5 fucking 30.

00:21:16:05 - 00:21:38:03
Unknown
And I can't outsource it to China because there's a whole labor force there. I don't know what to fucking do anymore. Dylan. So here I am, father fucking Christmas for you to sit here and, speak to you. Dylan. So I've seen on here on this list before. Dylan. That's, you I've had. Good boy. Here. You,

00:21:38:05 - 00:21:58:13
Unknown
Good boy. Not good boy. That was a bad one. Yeah, that was a bad Christmas for you, Dylan, wasn't it? Not turning in your homework on time, getting caught wanking by that plant pot in the wop. What's called the square, I believe. Listen, I that was pissing. It was not. Oh, well, at least what I would like people to believe.

00:21:58:16 - 00:22:23:24
Unknown
It's more like father fucking Christmas sees everything, you dirty bastard. And I know how much you like wanking on blobs. Dylan. I'd seen you and I'd been coming down your chimney. And I been seeing you on the fucking palm trees. You dirty little prick. But anyway, Dylan. So I'm sure you really want to know, really, about what happens around Christmas time and.

00:22:24:04 - 00:22:51:11
Unknown
And how I go about things. No doubt, no doubt. Absolutely no doubt. So, do you see, Dylan? The power is in the beard. The beard is very useful. You see, Dylan, I tie it to the top of the chimney, and I just abseiled down it because, you see big bone in the North Pole. Dylan gave me powers of beards, but unfortunately, also growing up at the North Pole.

00:22:51:11 - 00:23:18:13
Unknown
You all, you fucking growing up, there's reindeer. So, being sup behind those bastards all the time over my sleigh does rather, rather keep it going on a journey. So, I absolute down with my beard. It stretches down. But I've thought of fucking Christmas so I could do whatever I want. And I'll go down and I'll. I'll just dump some shitty little presents that those little tweety elves have made.

00:23:18:13 - 00:23:41:09
Unknown
And I'll drink scotch. Pour the fucking milk on the floor, and I'll raid the cupboards for some whiskey, because, oh, Jesus, there is so much milk and cookies you can fucking drink in, in the whole world, Dylan, because obviously I'll go around the world, not everywhere. Because, you know, not everyone. See, that's that's fair, Bob Christmas. But, you know, beggars can't be choosers, to get my business.

00:23:41:09 - 00:24:02:07
Unknown
Yeah. And, you know, I'll, I'll go round and I'll pop my head into some bedrooms and see what's going on, and I'll move some things around and freak people out like a little bastard I am. And occasionally I'll wake some kids up and I'll be like, oh, fucking Father Christmas! And they'll tell their parents in the morning and they won't fucking believe them.

00:24:03:08 - 00:24:29:14
Unknown
Oh. I mean, oh ho ho. So, Dylan, please, as I'm has, I'm him before I have to go. I don't know when James's, anal treatment is done. I've got. You got any questions for Father Christmas, right? Weird thing. However, I've always wondered. Ryan, does the,

00:24:29:16 - 00:24:57:10
Unknown
Was the curtain match the fuck are you trying to say? Dylan? Yeah. Do I have a big, long, gray pubes? Yes. Well, Dylan, here's the funny story. Despite my beard, I'm completely hairless from the neck down. Not a single pube in sights and the reason for that is Mrs. Claus just loves to rub oil all over my body.

00:24:57:10 - 00:25:21:10
Unknown
Just before Christmas, just so I can slide down the chimney just that much easier. And I tell you what. The friction of the hair getting caught on the inside of those bricks is mighty shit. So I stay waxed. I get those little fucking elves to wax me silly every time of the year, because ripping it all off on Christmas Eve is just not the one after many, many bikini rashes.

00:25:21:10 - 00:25:53:07
Unknown
Just not for me anymore, Dylan. Not for me at all. Oh, okay. Fair enough. Listen, one more question. Yes? Was this, was this forced upon you? Is this kind of, like, a generational thing, or did you. Is there is there an election for the MD or like the, I would like to know, how does you, as the, the CEO of what a let's call it Santa Enterprises or your whole concoction up there in the North Pole, like how do you how do you get forcing that was, were you forced into this?

00:25:53:07 - 00:26:17:14
Unknown
Was this kind of an election thing? Was it just what you did in the new naturally followed? So I tell you what, Dylan, this is how it happened. I was interning back for Jesus back in the day. No, I was I was his apprentice whittling wood, you know, just watching it walk on water and do all the other bullshit it was doing.

00:26:17:16 - 00:26:44:21
Unknown
And he said to me, Mr. Christmas, I need a couch for my new religion. I need something to get people on board to really get things going. You know, I need to give some fucking presents and shit out to celebrate my birthday, to keep this thing going. So I want you, you to prick with your chisel, to fuck up to the North Pole and stay there and deliver presents for me.

00:26:44:21 - 00:27:00:24
Unknown
And he said, no, I don't want to do that at all. And he kicked off a little right hissy fit, and he went to speak to his dad, and his dad came to me and in my dream, and he had a good thing, word to say to me and fair, you know, as Mary will tell you, you can't say no to God.

00:27:01:04 - 00:27:33:03
Unknown
And I had no choice. So there I go, to the North Pole, frozen in time. My age is. And have I been there for now? Hundreds and hundreds of years. And I tell you what, Dylan, I'm tired. I'm tired of delivering these presents to these ungrateful little shits of the world. It's just what the Nintendo DS is. They used to be happy with a wooden train, something easy to make for a little elf.

00:27:33:04 - 00:28:02:07
Unknown
Now everyone wants a Nintendo DS and a vibrating bass and a popping that and a tick tock. This. I did it trying to get the friggin labor force to make these little shitty things. Not being able to outsource to China is a pain in my asshole. Dylan. So here I am, year after year, as Jesus is living it off in a on somewhere, slaving away to keep his good fucking name for his birthday.

00:28:02:07 - 00:28:29:11
Unknown
And I'm not a bit happy about it. But Dylan, sometimes we got to do these things for the kids, for the kids, for the fucking kids. Here we go. That I could hear the love in the. So much love, Mrs. Claus. The little fucking elves. I love them, really. That little guns and all the little kiddy winkles and my sexy, sexy reindeers.

00:28:29:13 - 00:28:51:19
Unknown
But anyway, Dylan, I believe it's time. I think James just at the door now. It's been a pleasure speaking to you. And I don't suppose you've got any blow on you or anything. I'm on a bit of a comedown right now. No, unfortunately not. This is, This is divine. Well, let me keep the hush. Let me put Dylan on the little council Osbourne, for not giving Little Father Christmas to blow me away.

00:28:51:23 - 00:29:18:17
Unknown
Lyrically, I was already honored to these little ungrateful shits. I'm out of here, Yeah. So, Dylan, how is he? I know he's, He smelt a bit of booze. To be honest. I hope he was all right. Yeah, yeah, that was. He was actually not that bad. Had, 1 or 2 things to say about Mrs. Claus and the elves in the workforce and not being able to.

00:29:18:19 - 00:29:38:04
Unknown
Or him not being able to outsource to China. Because of that. Having its own issues. Yeah, but, yeah, that's, he didn't get anti-Semitic, did he? What? He didn't get anti-Semitic. I know, I'll thank God, because it's it's honestly, I think he's one more year. And if he comes a big issue and he starts really going on about dreidels and all kinds of nonsense, and it's it's not good.

00:29:38:04 - 00:30:03:23
Unknown
So I'm really glad he kept that off the pod. If you drop down low three word story. I look, I will make sure I don't double book again. I've had all the all clear. We, tied to the nuns chuffed down there. All is good. But, yes, obviously the reconstruction had nothing to do with Father Christmas and had everything to do with the story that I said earlier.

00:30:03:23 - 00:30:09:18
Unknown
So don't read into that. Anyway, till.

00:30:09:20 - 00:30:30:13
Unknown
Europe. Okay. Okay. Well, no. So, we were, we were out last night for, a few Pepsis and a few beers. Yeah. Yeah, we were indeed we were. I thought this was the. Is this the story that, Well, I'm beginning to. I'm getting to the story. It was. It was vice. It was basically, I felt kind of inspired by al.

00:30:31:04 - 00:30:56:13
Unknown
I don't want to say inspired, maybe, but, based on our conversations, about how and where we grew up. We discussed that last night. And, again, I'm not always the best at telling stories or, but I figured, okay, let me let me see how I can link the following words. Warns station pothole.

00:30:56:15 - 00:31:25:16
Unknown
Right. So let me start with every country has its issues. Some more than others. Right now I also feel that some problems are more complicated to solve than others. And I can only speak for my experience of South Africa. Okay. Right. Okay. So we starting as South Africa as a whole, some of its main issues. Don't worry, I will try and work some form of comedy India.

00:31:25:22 - 00:31:53:09
Unknown
However let's start off with income in income inequality. Income inequality. Right. Hi. Sorry, I thought that was not the pause for laughter. Okay, so don't worry, don't worry. It was not scripted. So, Yeah. High unemployment rate, especially amongst the youth. Corruption, violence, especially gender based, amongst others. Right. So I just wanted to focus on station.

00:31:53:09 - 00:32:13:00
Unknown
Oh, I thought you were going to. Yeah. Oh, no. No. So, so so station section and bottles and I'm going to try and list and solve some of these issues just by thinking out loud. Wow. I don't like the issues of the country and kind of the intricacies involved linked to each other. This isn't just just by using Wow, this is station and plot.

00:32:13:01 - 00:32:45:09
Unknown
This is fifth episode and you are solving policies in South Africa. Maybe we could like, pivot this a little bit and, maybe we will solve the world crises just, just and hopefully just off the top of our head, which is which I am going to attempt to do. So, please, I, I'm, I'm sure I might just get a message or personal message or two from, from people in parliament kind of saying, Dylan, you know, it's not that simple how it may be, but bear with Nobel Peace Prize coming to a Dylan near you.

00:32:45:09 - 00:33:18:15
Unknown
Yeah. Yeah. Right. So all of these issues are a big issues, obviously. Right. But we as South Africans endure them. However, I just want I just want the small little wins and all that. I would like to start off with is working stations as not working stations too, which actually I'm not even sure if it's who it's like working okay, which ever whatever station.

00:33:18:15 - 00:33:44:15
Unknown
Okay. Right. So train stations right. Yep. Tick police stations. Tick stationary trucks causing traffic. You working? And I want them working as well because I don't want them posting trucks and kind of just just as a side note, I always thought when it was on the radio saying there's a stationary, stationary trucking line up, I was like, oh fuck, why do these these trucks always keep breaking down?

00:33:44:15 - 00:34:11:00
Unknown
I thought they were owned by stationary companies. And I'm like, where am I going to get my pencils from? And no other shopping is there going to be? So that's needless to say that that's not what a stationary truck is. But I'm breaking news coming to the podcast. But the big one is power station. No, we all now charged for this episode.

00:34:11:04 - 00:34:35:05
Unknown
I like South Africa. Yes, this is a hot, hot, hot hot hot hot topic. Hot topic. Yeah. Also not the heat was not caused by electricity. No. Okay. Because we don't have any. So no power cuts. Pretty big. Eskom is the, is it like, I'm not sure what the whole, like, English scam. Right. I was actually yeah.

00:34:35:05 - 00:34:57:19
Unknown
Yeah. Right. So they've, I don't think they've, updated the power grid since the 70s. So, needless to say, they can't handle all the power. And needless to say, they need to shed some load off of the grid. I feel their pain. Yeah, right. So it's the biggest inconvenience for everyone. We can handle people breaking in.

00:34:57:21 - 00:35:24:15
Unknown
We just can't do it with the socket lights. Yeah, you can't do it at night. So it's like we need the electricity, right? So we need the lights on. Even the guys robbing us need the lights on to be able to convenience in both parties. Both parties. It's a huge inconvenience. Right. So, besides kind of just having normal light, but operations in businesses, right.

00:35:24:15 - 00:35:47:15
Unknown
You can imagine eight hours a day not having electricity and no phones, other pens they put to use because because everything, everything is online. So I mean, give us a break from being forced to take a break because there is no electricity. And is that a slogan for your for your. Yeah, that's actually that. Give us a break from taking a break.

00:35:47:15 - 00:35:58:23
Unknown
Taking a break. Yeah. Let's go. Eskom. Yeah, let's let's get back on it. Tonight. Anyway, I.

00:35:59:00 - 00:36:34:02
Unknown
Wanted to say so it all starts with power station. Station, power station. And I think if we can just fix that issue Eskom has been having, with regards to power cuts, then I think we'd, we'd solve a long list of, of other residual problems. So, James, I'm not sure about you, but just imagine you have four hours in the evenings without electricity.

00:36:34:12 - 00:36:54:06
Unknown
Right. So that I mean okay. Fair enough. You can light some candles. It doesn't have to be candles because it's something like torches and lanterns etcetera etcetera. Right. But there's only so much you can do to make up time. Like you can maybe build the puzzle. You can maybe do game night, you can maybe try and read.

00:36:54:07 - 00:37:24:01
Unknown
There's only subtitles, but there's only that much that you can do. Right. So where does the head normally go? Final chicka wow. Oh okay. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Right. But there's only so much you times. You can do it my way. We make bang bang. So, so I do believe South Africans, Don't think that there's only so many times you can do, that, right.

00:37:24:01 - 00:37:47:07
Unknown
You could say they have the. They have got the good gene, the horn. I've got the horn. Yeah, right. Which, ironically enough, is not what I was going for. The character. I thought that pulls off it. I thought I thought I'd cracked it, but actually, you had no idea it was there for the taking back to break that.

00:37:47:08 - 00:38:20:00
Unknown
And then. So I just figured aspect. No. So I just figured, considering they have so much, downtime or not. Downtime. Downtime. So. Yeah, going down to going down. Yeah. But I just figured, overpopulation or at least population control. Right. So we need to, we need to stop having power cuts because it leaves them too much downtime to get, freaky with it.

00:38:20:02 - 00:38:50:05
Unknown
Right? Which then creates more opportunity for children being born into poverty. And, so I'm not saying everyone into poverty, right. Which also increases the chances they will take the wrong road and go down this path of drugs. And instead of drugs and violence and things like that. So, I think that is that is where we are going wrong.

00:38:50:07 - 00:39:20:18
Unknown
Okay. Right. Having babies is worth having babies because people are the problem. Okay. So the next mantra is stop having babies. People are the problem, people on the problem because these people could. And I'm not saying only people from poverty, but like more people create more of a chance for those people to be criminals. Or for them just to be the people that get robbed by the criminals.

00:39:20:20 - 00:39:50:00
Unknown
So we're creating more robbers and Rob is right. Okay. So I'm a massive thumbs up. So are you suggesting not only just know babies but are you also recommending maybe a cull on human beings like, around some human beings up and maybe eradicate them? Is that what you're that. That's kind of what I'm going for. And then also, I mean, just spending so much time alone in the dark, I mean, not having that much to do.

00:39:50:01 - 00:40:18:13
Unknown
Maybe after some enough sexy time. Like, I also think, couples spending too much time with each other could increase the chances of, domestic violence. Yeah. Which which is actually where where a lot of the violence in South Africa, ironically enough, lies is domestic violence, because, Yeah. Yes. I'm not sure where I was going. I yeah, I am terrified, I am I am terrified that we may be opening up, a quite insane manifesto.

00:40:18:21 - 00:40:46:06
Unknown
Yes. Yes. However, however, one I figured is. Okay, let's go back to the more people. So. No. So I said more people. Right. Creates more chance, right? Oh, people. No problem. More, more more people, more problems. Which leads to more people on the road. People using the road creates potholes, right. And, because there's obviously less wear and tear on the roads, so less potholes.

00:40:46:06 - 00:41:27:00
Unknown
Okay. Just be less people, okay? South Africa, stop. Put your dicks away. South Africa five seconds. So actually like potholes after, after enough rain, we actually call them jacuzzis. Really? Yeah. Looks like a property. Jacuzzi time. It's nice. It sounds horrible. I would not want to get in that Jacuzzi. Yeah. Okay. So, jacuzzis. And it's actually also at least where, certain parts of the country if, you, drive in a straight line, people would know you are drunk because that means you are heading right over the bar.

00:41:27:02 - 00:41:58:02
Unknown
So, so, that makes sense. So, so believe you're going to be over the blow. You will need to turn. And then if if one person, if the person is just driving straight, then you actually know he's drunk. And I'm not making this. Wow. Like, I'm, I'm I think there are certain areas where some of my family members stay where you cannot drive in a straight line unless you don't own an insane, like 4x4 with kind of like a, or hovercraft or like a hovercraft.

00:41:58:02 - 00:42:19:00
Unknown
Okay. Yeah. Because South Africa can do that. Yeah. I mean, who knows? Maybe this is the next venture. It's own, you know, stop having babies come. What, the third someone's and buy a hovercraft. Yeah. So anyway, and also less domestic violence because, I mean, you know, partners. Yeah. Partners that don't drive through the potholes and nobody's upset them.

00:42:19:02 - 00:42:41:00
Unknown
Yeah, yeah. Oh. What's that? Oh, no. Oh, I saw that. But will you drive through the slop? And it doc, if it into a bit. Doc. Okay. I mean, let's, lighten that one up a bit. All right. So, so besides, besides, not only potholes, it can even be other holes. Like holes in the government, right?

00:42:41:00 - 00:43:03:06
Unknown
Those holes in the government. But I think about it. So now it all kind of just links how it comes to government. Maybe, just regulating population, just fixing the power stations, so we can we can handle, most of us. Right. The small, we can handle most of this, but just give us the small wins.

00:43:03:08 - 00:43:22:05
Unknown
Now, to to to show some love. The fact that I've been shooting on, on the country and kind of just dabbling in some of these issues, trying mindless trying to improve, I would say, and trying to improve the country dramatically by stopping people from sleeping each. But but I do think South Africans handle everything with a little good sense of humor.

00:43:22:05 - 00:43:48:24
Unknown
I think that's such a we talk. Yeah. And banging each other. Right. Which ironically enough, like we worked horns, horns into the story. Yeah. But, so I know we always had a good sense of you, man. We. Whatever we do, we give it horns. Why only give it horns? And we using that phrase, I thought it was a fairly normal one saying, okay, listen, we always give it our best.

00:43:49:01 - 00:44:10:16
Unknown
We always try hard. Which, ironically enough, as I googled it to confirm it. It also means, to to, sexually aroused someone. It's, which is what you don't want, which is, which is which is you actually kind of you want people to stop being horny and stop having babies, so you don't want them to have horns.

00:44:10:20 - 00:44:37:00
Unknown
You wanted to remove the horns. So with horns and then I was like, yeah, okay. Well, ironically enough, that's what we don't want. But either way, we give it horns and yeah, electricity or not. Electricity, you know. So we give it Owens electricity or not. Okay. Boom. That's me. And so we have at home, we have a portal, we have stations, and we had horns.

00:44:37:00 - 00:45:02:08
Unknown
And I think we have solved all of SARS troubles. I mean, I think that now the economy will flourish. I think we need a tad more depth to it, obviously, but I just think in terms of fixing one issue, rides can trickle down and can actually really make an upward kind of curve in fixing the rest of them.

00:45:02:10 - 00:45:26:03
Unknown
But yeah, let's let's just please start with with with some some electricity would be nice. Yeah. Come on, switch those lights on. Government. What's the president's name again? Cyril. Cyril. Ramaphosa serum. Cyril. Yeah. I saw we will call him Uncle Cyril. Yeah. Uncle, I'm talking to you now. Yeah, uncle serum. Okay. In fact, that with me. One second.

00:45:26:04 - 00:45:48:19
Unknown
Chill. Well, the Christmas you got that, can you just. She's just come in here. Is that. But can I. Hey, hey, look, with that, we're just talking to, This the South African president. Cyril. Jimmy fucking Cyril. Yes, I know that little brick has. He always has a big Christmas list, and, but it'll tell you what.

00:45:48:19 - 00:46:19:17
Unknown
All the lights are always on at his home and Christmas. Oh. Oh, well, what we just wanted, if you maybe could just speak directly to Cyril, that would be very nice with some just festive cheer. And that would be good. Oh. Holy shit. If you were to write Cyril, I speak directly to you. If you want to be a good boy this year, and everyone else in Parliament.

00:46:19:19 - 00:46:55:18
Unknown
If you were to be a good boy and have Father Christmas come down your chimney, hell, listen all then please give all the South African children of both races some electricity. Please. Of both. All the races. I mean, of course, of all of them. Because Father Christmas is colorblind and doesn't see color at all. And I believe that electricity should be divvied around to everyone, regardless of any kind of race.

00:46:56:12 - 00:47:21:00
Unknown
No. Father Christmas can't be racist. He gets presents to everyone and electricity should be treated the same. So, Cyril, the South African government, you want to be on the good list and off the Nautilus. Give the fuckers some electricity. Merry Christmas. Oh, is that what you wanted? Little guns? No, I want fucking. No, I want a bottle of whiskey for that.

00:47:21:00 - 00:47:45:11
Unknown
Nothing else. Fuck around. No, AB go back to work. And Mrs. Claus graduated from college. You can take. Take me off the little candles. Then we'll get you one. Yeah, I'll fuck off. Thanks for the Christmas I. He's gone. That was a nice message that we could soundbyte it, maybe remove some of that message. We can then send it to the government that Father Christmas wants.

00:47:45:13 - 00:48:13:24
Unknown
Wants electricity for all races. I think he just was a bit drunk and misspoke when he said both. Okay, we all know that there is a plethora of beautiful races around the world. More than Formula one. More than they have. Yeah, yeah, there is tons of them. And they all deserve electricity and they all deserve to have their potholes filled, and they all deserve to, have the horn as and when they want that.

00:48:13:24 - 00:48:31:02
Unknown
Yeah, but wants it. Yeah. Yeah, but not too important. Otherwise Dylan will come round and have it because, yeah, there's already, Yeah, too many regulate. Yeah, yeah. Regulate. Sounds. You see Dylan going round with an, a Kalashnikov, and he's. I think I walk from home to home. Yeah, yeah. Nothing going on. Yeah. You been there?

00:48:31:15 - 00:48:58:22
Unknown
So. Yeah. Thank you for the Christmas. Thank you, Dylan, for your very politically charged story to be politically charged. I will remove my, not my angle. I will reschedule my eight appointments for the for the future. And, Dylan, what words for next time. Oh, goodness. Let's go with. Okay, a bucket list, bucket list destination.

00:48:58:22 - 00:49:17:06
Unknown
Like, don't get me wrong. Like, we delved into the past, but where would we like to go in the future? Oh, I, yeah. Okay. That's a good destination. That's good. I know we could think about some holidays going at the same time. So next week or two weeks or tomorrow, who the fuck knows? Because we're all over the place.

00:49:17:09 - 00:53:39:04
Unknown
We will do bucket list destination next time of three. That story. Thank you very much for listening. Subscribe and just please be patient. We will make this work. My name.